A friend recently sent me an email telling me she'd purchased a kit and asked me if I'd make it for her husband. Geez. I hate this. I didn't feel as if I could say no because she'd already purchased a kit! I told her the soonest I could get to it would be next spring.

When I make something for someone it's because I found something that makes me think of them, and therefore, I'm inspired to make it--and I want to make it. For her to purchase a kit (which I don't like) and ask me to make it for her husband (whom I don't like), is extremely irritating.

Her husband sent me an email a while back asking me to make him a queen-sized quilt and he was very specific about what he wanted. I told him it would be at least a couple of years before I could get to it, and also told him how much the fabric would cost, how much the quilting would cost. I estimated a quilt this size would cost somewhere on the order of $400 (and that didn't include my time). I told him to think about it, and let me know. Needless to say, I didn't hear from him again.

Now, I'm stuck doing this project that I don't want to do. It's a small project--only 8 x 10, but I'm still irritated at her presumptuousness. So, I'm curious. What would you have done in this situation--specifically, with the prepurchased kit. I want to be ready if it happens again.

I agree - very presumptuous. Because she didn't talk to you about it ahead of time, I see no reason to agree to do anything about it. You can always refer her to a quilt shop that might have people interested in doing it.

8 x 10 what?

How close of a friend is this?

Has she offered payment?

Can you get out of doing it if you don't want to?

I wouldn't do it. I hope you mean 8 inches by 10 inches. She had no right to do that, even if she was your BFF. You have some time between now and spring to get out of it. Tell her that you are behind on your planned projects and just can't schedule it in.

I guess it would depend on how much you value her friendship and how much not doing it would damage that relationship.
Personally, I find it hard to do something that doesn't "speak" to me, as in like the pattern, material, want a gift for someone I really like or love.
Bottom line....would you agree to do it if she hadn't purchased the kit? If not, then the fact that she bought the kit is her issue, you didn't tell her to buy it. So if you don't do it you are not to blame.
I am proud of you that you told her you couldn't get to it until spring. Now I feel it might be a ggod idea to go one step further and tell her how much you would charge for doing it...and quote high!
I hate it when folks do things like this. So sorry, hope you figure out what you need to do.

[quote=bearisgray]I agree - very presumptuous. Because she didn't talk to you about it ahead of time, I see no reason to agree to do anything about it. You can always refer her to a quilt shop that might have people interested in doing it.

8 x 10 what?

It's a bear's head. He likes bears.

How close of a friend is this?

We knew one another in high school. We live in different states, and we are sort of email penpals. We occasionally visit one another. I made her a quilt for a housewarming last Christmas--one I wanted to do because it made me think of her. Her husband is a jack-*ss. I can't stand the man. I keep my visits with her short because of him.

Has she offered payment?

She's offered to reimburse me for any extra costs. The fabrics for the front are included with the kit. I told her she'd need to pick fabric for the back and the binding. I don't care about thread or batting. I have plenty of thread, and I can use scraps for batting. So, yes, and no. She's offered to reimburse expenses, but nothing for my time.

Can you get out of doing it if you don't want to?

I suppose so, but I've already said yes. I felt put on the spot because she'd already purchased the kit. I asked her what the technique was (raw-edged fusible applique) because I couldn't tell from the picture she sent me. I told her I wasn't sure I knew how to do it, but I do know how to do raw-edged fusible applique. In that exchange, I suggested that someone at a quilt shop might be able to do it for her. But now I've told her that I'll do it. I just don't want this to happen again.

This would be the easiest thing to do. And yes, 8 x 10 inches.

I value her friendship, I just don't like him. But that is beside the point. I like your point about the kit being her responsibility. I hadn't thought of it that way. The worst part of this is that the pattern doesn't speak to me, and my heart isn't in it. It's a small project. I can probably do it in a couple of days, but I'd rather work on something I'd enjoy for someone I like.

Oops.

I suppose the up side to this is - you can learn a new technique.

Someone told me that a very good stock answer for almost anything before committing to it is:

Let me think about it and I'll get back to you.

You say your friend "asked". Although that may be misguided and you feel it put you in a bad position, it really wasn't rude - she asked, not demanded.

You should have just said you were sorry, but you don't make "quilts for hire" (unless you do and then you could have discussed payment) or that you didn't have time. I's sorry to say that you put yourself in this situation by avoiding the obvious response "no, I'm sorry I can't" and offering instead to do it at a later date.

A good friend would understand and a friend who doesn't isn't worth having (getting off my Ann Landers/Dear Abby soapbox now).

When someone asks me to do things and I don't want to --- the wait can be years :wink: LOL and if they check back - the wait is still way out there :thumbup:

Good luck- maybe since it is only 8 x10 and raw edge you can get it done and out and move on

A very hard lesson to learn is how to simply say "No."
It took me half a lifetime to learn this. I used to be consumed doing things I didn't want to do until I decided enough. Saying "no" freed me. I don't make an excuse for why I don't want to do something, either fact or fiction. I just say "No" and move on. It's wonderful!

You already said yes, but maybe after you see the kit, you can tell her it is not something you can or want to do, and then it send back. If she insists, or you feel uncomfortable with that tack, take your ever-loving time about it. You quoted them a time to begin with, a "kit' makes no difference. Good luck to you.

I would mention to her that the next time she comes across something like this, to please discuss it with you before making a purchase :D:D:D

Send her a "kit" of something (even if it's paint by numbers). Let her know "how much more fun it would be if we made it a swap". Hers will be ready when you receive yours in the mail. Is she good at anything? Make it comparable. Let her know you really want this, but don't have the time to do it yourself. In the end, maybe you'll both end up with something nice...

From me she would get a crossstitch kit of "The Golden Rule"; even if I had to make the darn kit up myself with instructions.

If it were me, since you said you would make it, when I finished it, I would send it along with a book from Miss Manners.

You're never too old to be given a refresher course in manners.

The most important thing for you to do is make sure you know the meaning of FRIEND. My friends wouldn't do something like this to me.

you hit the nail on the head.

I made her a quilt for a housewarming last Christmas--one I wanted to do because it made me think of her.
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This sounds like it is where they got the idea that you were just quivering with eagerness to make them other quilts, so let's start with something small and work her up to large ones.

I've known folks like this, do something that you feel they would like and they will like much, much more.

Be kind, be courteous, be friendly, be firm as heck and if you don't want to, the word NO is not too easy to say but necessary with some folks.

I would tell her that it depends on the kit. I wouldn't commit myself to doing it until I saw the kit first. Once I saw it, if it looked appealing to me, I would do it and know that I was really doing it for her and not for him.

I'd send her a basic quilting book and offer to give any advise she needs to sew the project herself. If she and her husband like quilts so much she should learn to do it.

I'm in somewhat the same situation. My friend's quilt is now 2 years past the time I intended to have it ready for her. Partly because I bit off more than I could chew as a new quilter and tried something beyond my skill level and had to take it all apart and start over. Once I got going on it the second time around, I'm actually enjoying working on it! And I learned a number of valuable things while working on it. She has been very understanding as she is working and going to school and has two kids, so she knows first hand about not getting everything done in the time frame originally intended.
Hopefully your friend will be equally understanding if you don't just hop on the project super fast and finish it quickly.

Good Luck on this sometimes it's hard to be so nice, Be Gentle and do it on the phone, that you've thought about it and really don't want to do the kit, blame it on creative process because a project this large you really need to enjoy, Let her know you think the world of her but just one per person/couple, you have others many still to go!
I'm sure she realizes hubbie can be a pain, let her know don't want to do one for him, may seem mean but could completely solve the problem, she probibly just ask for him. May have thought no labor would be applied since they bought the kit.
Back to Good Luck :)

Absolutely right!!!! Presumptuous to say the least. In essence, she didn't ask you to do this. She bought a kit, sent it to you, and expected you to do this. A true friend would never do this. It might be time to re-evaluate your relationship. It is unfortunate that some of our friends marry persons not to our liking, however, I think this situation is more than just your dislike of the husband. Time to re-think this.

I think you have to weigh how much you like her against how much you may not like him. You're really doing it for her, even if he's the one getting it. I'd do it; it's not a big project. And be ready with a quick no if she asks again.

I was thinking about this earlier this evening. I'll be seeing her this winter when we make a trip south. That is when I'm supposed to get the kit from her. I'm thinking about bringing along some fusing medium and showing her how to do it. Raw-edged applique just isn't that hard to do. She might even enjoy learning. We've spoken about sewing machines before, and she says she hasn't used hers in years. Maybe this could be a good way for her to get re-introduced to it.

I was thinking about this earlier this evening. I'll be seeing her this winter when we make a trip south. That is when I'm supposed to get the kit from her. I'm thinking about bringing along some fusing medium and showing her how to do it. Raw-edged applique just isn't that hard to do. She might even enjoy learning. We've spoken about sewing machines before, and she says she hasn't used hers in years. Maybe this could be a good way for her to get re-introduced to it.[/quote]

I think that's the best route at this point. Sometimes if you do one thing for a demanding person, they keep demanding more. Better to nip this in the bud, Good luck!

In one way it's real simple, and in another way it's real complicated.

We, as mostly being women (not all, I know) quilters, tend to be nurturers and caregivers. And in a word, enablers.
We somehow seem to accept the responsibilities other people throw upon us, whether WE want it or not.

So I'm saying, I know you do not want to hurt your friend, and you value her, but she has visited this chore onto you, and you let her do it.

And if she gets what she wants this time, it will happen again.

I find it interesting that we can tell each other whom we have never and likely will never meet our true thoughts and feelings on this board, like true sisters and brothers, but we cannot Just Say No to a "friend."

We can only be taken advantage of if we let it happen.

On the other hand, if your friend thought you would drool at the mouth to do this for her, maybe she meant no harm. But if she is never told different, she will continue to think you love doing this.

Or maybe she knows you don't really like it, but you will do it anyway.

Do it if it makes you happy. Don't do it if it makes you puke.

Now HE is a whole nother story.

We gotta quit lying down.
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Now to answer your question, I would have said "I really don't want to do this, Why did you buy the kit if you don't want to make it, and I will be happy to show you how so you can do it."
And I have said this.
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..........Now, I'm stuck doing this project that I don't want to do. It's a small project--only 8 x 10, but I'm still irritated at her presumptuousness. So, I'm curious. What would you have done in this situation--specifically, with the prepurchased kit. I want to be ready if it happens again.[/quote]

I'd have to say no to her. If for no other reason than you don't like the kits.

Invite her over when you are doing what you want to do and show her how to quilt herself.

I second this idea!

I think I would probably "Just do it" and get it out of the way. You will feel good when it is not hanging over your head anymore. since it is 8x10 inches, shouldn't take a long time to do. And then tactfully decline any future requests from her

What if you had her over and taught her how to make it? Might be a good way to show her how much time and skill it takes to do what we do. Just an idea.

I agree!

I have to say it also took me too many yrs to learn how to say "NO".My standard reply in such situations is Sorry, can't do that,can't help or can't be there. Whatever.If I'm pushed,I just say no, I'm too busy to take on more. That's my final answer.

It's very, very freeing.It took me yrs to realize the world would keep on spinning,regardless of wether I did/didnot allow myself to be used.The older I get, the easier it is.It's one of the few perks of age.There aren't too many :-):-)

Why don't you write back and tell specificially what additional supplies would be required and include a cost for labor. Don't use any of your supplies unless you have already told her. However, you should include the cost of supplies even if it is scraps from your own supply. You can use those scraps for your own projects and will have to eventually replace them. Do I understand that you don't have the kit. You might say that you are not sure about the time it will take but based on the information it will take approximately X number of days and the cost will be X.
I got myself into a situation similar to this many years ago and it taught me a hard lesson. It was an exchange situation - hand embroideried doll quilt for my granddaughter in exchange for finishing a partially made top which ended up being a queen size quilt with the purchase of additional reproduction fabrics and quilted.
If she is a real friend then she should understand.
But don't give in please.

or if you have received the kit you might send it back with a note saying that you are not experienced in the technique and would not want to do a bad job on her wallhanging.

i had a co-worker say to me a few days ago...i have a friend who wants you to make her a quilt for christmas...a queen sized one, i told her about the one you made for your sil and now she wants one...she's even willing to pay like a hundred bucks for it.
my response? first there is no way i can add another queen size quilt to my list before christmas, secondly, even if she furnished all of the fabrics, batting and thread i would not even look at making a queen size quilt for someone i don't even know for less than $500 ... and it would be more like a thousand;$1500 if i have to buy everything...and i need a 75% deposit to cut a piece of fabric.... she had no more to say about it. the reason she got the response she did was multi-faceted...first the one i made my sil i told this co=worker was very expensive to make...i have $500 into it ... i told her at the time...there are 22 pineapple blocks and i will probably never make another pineapple block...too time consuming and tedious; i told her that i have been swamped with quilting lately and do not know how i'm going to finish my own projects this year...too many outside things going on lately...
and she says to me ... well, i was just trying to help. ??? help with what i'm not quite sure of. i haven't sold any size quilt for less than $100 in years, i really don't know what she is thinking; or why she thought this was helping me somehow...i did sell this co-worker's daughter 2 quilts about 4 years ago, and i care about this girl and gave her a good deal...but they were smaller than twins and still over $100. anyway...when it comes to doing this sometimes you really have to just say no...or tell them it will cost way more than they ever imagined...when i told her more like a thousand she said...thats a joke right? i said no it is not a joke, my black appliqued quilt was appraised for $3700 and my neutrals crazy quilt for $5400 i do not make cheap quilts. if you want to place a quilt order i require a deposit and we have to set down and go over exactly what you want...and the deposit in non-refundable!
yup...bi***y... i've had so much going on lately i guess i really have no patience left...
when approached with projects i really do not want to do, like yours i do tell people i charge $20 an hour for any sewing...with a 2 hour minimum...so it is going to cost a minimum of $40 no matter what it is ...even hemming a pair of pants...my way of avoiding having to do those projects...although it does amaze me the people actually willing to pay...........

How close is she too you? could you make a day trip to see her and maybe work on the quilt together. I think that she would then see all the work that goes into it and maybe not ask you again to do this. plus she will have the skills then to make her own quilt for her hubby.

If she purchased a kit, then she could most likely return it for a refund. If you told her husband you couldn't do it for a couple of years, tell her the same thing, that you're sorry, but with the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and other commitments coming up, you really just can't take on anything else right now...but you would be happy to teach her how to quilt and she could make it herself. That way you still get your stuff done and she can learn and go do her stuff.

I might be inclined to give it back to her and tell her you have many items in the bucket to get finished first and a class schedule from a local quilt shop..

My neighbor lady, who yes is friend, got a "kit". she admitted it's been a while since done any sewng/quilting. Is something she is going to work on this winter. My response was if she needed some help I would take a look at and help HER work through it. I could answer any questions she had. she said she would keep me in mind and thanked me for the support!

"Just say NO"