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Thread: What would you have done?

  1. #1
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    A friend recently sent me an email telling me she'd purchased a kit and asked me if I'd make it for her husband. Geez. I hate this. I didn't feel as if I could say no because she'd already purchased a kit! I told her the soonest I could get to it would be next spring.

    When I make something for someone it's because I found something that makes me think of them, and therefore, I'm inspired to make it--and I want to make it. For her to purchase a kit (which I don't like) and ask me to make it for her husband (whom I don't like), is extremely irritating.

    Her husband sent me an email a while back asking me to make him a queen-sized quilt and he was very specific about what he wanted. I told him it would be at least a couple of years before I could get to it, and also told him how much the fabric would cost, how much the quilting would cost. I estimated a quilt this size would cost somewhere on the order of $400 (and that didn't include my time). I told him to think about it, and let me know. Needless to say, I didn't hear from him again.

    Now, I'm stuck doing this project that I don't want to do. It's a small project--only 8 x 10, but I'm still irritated at her presumptuousness. So, I'm curious. What would you have done in this situation--specifically, with the prepurchased kit. I want to be ready if it happens again.

  2. #2
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    I agree - very presumptuous. Because she didn't talk to you about it ahead of time, I see no reason to agree to do anything about it. You can always refer her to a quilt shop that might have people interested in doing it.

    8 x 10 what?

    How close of a friend is this?

    Has she offered payment?

    Can you get out of doing it if you don't want to?

  3. #3
    np3
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    I wouldn't do it. I hope you mean 8 inches by 10 inches. She had no right to do that, even if she was your BFF. You have some time between now and spring to get out of it. Tell her that you are behind on your planned projects and just can't schedule it in.

  4. #4
    Super Member nursie76's Avatar
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    I guess it would depend on how much you value her friendship and how much not doing it would damage that relationship.
    Personally, I find it hard to do something that doesn't "speak" to me, as in like the pattern, material, want a gift for someone I really like or love.
    Bottom line....would you agree to do it if she hadn't purchased the kit? If not, then the fact that she bought the kit is her issue, you didn't tell her to buy it. So if you don't do it you are not to blame.
    I am proud of you that you told her you couldn't get to it until spring. Now I feel it might be a ggod idea to go one step further and tell her how much you would charge for doing it...and quote high!
    I hate it when folks do things like this. So sorry, hope you figure out what you need to do.

  5. #5
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    [quote=bearisgray]I agree - very presumptuous. Because she didn't talk to you about it ahead of time, I see no reason to agree to do anything about it. You can always refer her to a quilt shop that might have people interested in doing it.

    8 x 10 what?

    It's a bear's head. He likes bears.

    How close of a friend is this?

    We knew one another in high school. We live in different states, and we are sort of email penpals. We occasionally visit one another. I made her a quilt for a housewarming last Christmas--one I wanted to do because it made me think of her. Her husband is a jack-*ss. I can't stand the man. I keep my visits with her short because of him.

    Has she offered payment?

    She's offered to reimburse me for any extra costs. The fabrics for the front are included with the kit. I told her she'd need to pick fabric for the back and the binding. I don't care about thread or batting. I have plenty of thread, and I can use scraps for batting. So, yes, and no. She's offered to reimburse expenses, but nothing for my time.

    Can you get out of doing it if you don't want to?

    I suppose so, but I've already said yes. I felt put on the spot because she'd already purchased the kit. I asked her what the technique was (raw-edged fusible applique) because I couldn't tell from the picture she sent me. I told her I wasn't sure I knew how to do it, but I do know how to do raw-edged fusible applique. In that exchange, I suggested that someone at a quilt shop might be able to do it for her. But now I've told her that I'll do it. I just don't want this to happen again.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by np3
    I wouldn't do it. I hope you mean 8 inches by 10 inches. She had no right to do that, even if she was your BFF. You have some time between now and spring to get out of it. Tell her that you are behind on your planned projects and just can't schedule it in.
    This would be the easiest thing to do. And yes, 8 x 10 inches.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by nursie76
    I guess it would depend on how much you value her friendship and how much not doing it would damage that relationship.
    Personally, I find it hard to do something that doesn't "speak" to me, as in like the pattern, material, want a gift for someone I really like or love.
    Bottom line....would you agree to do it if she hadn't purchased the kit? If not, then the fact that she bought the kit is her issue, you didn't tell her to buy it. So if you don't do it you are not to blame.
    I am proud of you that you told her you couldn't get to it until spring. Now I feel it might be a ggod idea to go one step further and tell her how much you would charge for doing it...and quote high!
    I hate it when folks do things like this. So sorry, hope you figure out what you need to do.
    I value her friendship, I just don't like him. But that is beside the point. I like your point about the kit being her responsibility. I hadn't thought of it that way. The worst part of this is that the pattern doesn't speak to me, and my heart isn't in it. It's a small project. I can probably do it in a couple of days, but I'd rather work on something I'd enjoy for someone I like.

  8. #8
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    Oops.

    I suppose the up side to this is - you can learn a new technique.

    Someone told me that a very good stock answer for almost anything before committing to it is:

    Let me think about it and I'll get back to you.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by catrancher
    A friend recently sent me an email telling me she'd purchased a kit and asked me if I'd make it for her husband.
    You say your friend "asked". Although that may be misguided and you feel it put you in a bad position, it really wasn't rude - she asked, not demanded.

    You should have just said you were sorry, but you don't make "quilts for hire" (unless you do and then you could have discussed payment) or that you didn't have time. I's sorry to say that you put yourself in this situation by avoiding the obvious response "no, I'm sorry I can't" and offering instead to do it at a later date.

    A good friend would understand and a friend who doesn't isn't worth having (getting off my Ann Landers/Dear Abby soapbox now).

  10. #10
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    When someone asks me to do things and I don't want to --- the wait can be years :wink: LOL and if they check back - the wait is still way out there :thumbup:

    Good luck- maybe since it is only 8 x10 and raw edge you can get it done and out and move on

  11. #11
    Super Member shequilts's Avatar
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    A very hard lesson to learn is how to simply say "No."
    It took me half a lifetime to learn this. I used to be consumed doing things I didn't want to do until I decided enough. Saying "no" freed me. I don't make an excuse for why I don't want to do something, either fact or fiction. I just say "No" and move on. It's wonderful!

  12. #12
    Super Member DebraK's Avatar
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    You already said yes, but maybe after you see the kit, you can tell her it is not something you can or want to do, and then it send back. If she insists, or you feel uncomfortable with that tack, take your ever-loving time about it. You quoted them a time to begin with, a "kit' makes no difference. Good luck to you.

  13. #13
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    I would mention to her that the next time she comes across something like this, to please discuss it with you before making a purchase :D:D:D

  14. #14
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    Send her a "kit" of something (even if it's paint by numbers). Let her know "how much more fun it would be if we made it a swap". Hers will be ready when you receive yours in the mail. Is she good at anything? Make it comparable. Let her know you really want this, but don't have the time to do it yourself. In the end, maybe you'll both end up with something nice...

    From me she would get a crossstitch kit of "The Golden Rule"; even if I had to make the darn kit up myself with instructions.

    If it were me, since you said you would make it, when I finished it, I would send it along with a book from Miss Manners.

    You're never too old to be given a refresher course in manners.

  15. #15
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    The most important thing for you to do is make sure you know the meaning of FRIEND. My friends wouldn't do something like this to me.

  16. #16
    Super Member DebraK's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jingleberry
    The most important thing for you to do is make sure you know the meaning of FRIEND. My friends wouldn't do something like this to me.

    you hit the nail on the head.

  17. #17
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    I made her a quilt for a housewarming last Christmas--one I wanted to do because it made me think of her.
    ----------------------------------------
    This sounds like it is where they got the idea that you were just quivering with eagerness to make them other quilts, so let's start with something small and work her up to large ones.

    I've known folks like this, do something that you feel they would like and they will like much, much more.

    Be kind, be courteous, be friendly, be firm as heck and if you don't want to, the word NO is not too easy to say but necessary with some folks.

  18. #18
    Super Member KathyAire's Avatar
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    I would tell her that it depends on the kit. I wouldn't commit myself to doing it until I saw the kit first. Once I saw it, if it looked appealing to me, I would do it and know that I was really doing it for her and not for him.

  19. #19
    Super Member MaryStoaks's Avatar
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    I'd send her a basic quilting book and offer to give any advise she needs to sew the project herself. If she and her husband like quilts so much she should learn to do it.

  20. #20
    Super Member mom-6's Avatar
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    I'm in somewhat the same situation. My friend's quilt is now 2 years past the time I intended to have it ready for her. Partly because I bit off more than I could chew as a new quilter and tried something beyond my skill level and had to take it all apart and start over. Once I got going on it the second time around, I'm actually enjoying working on it! And I learned a number of valuable things while working on it. She has been very understanding as she is working and going to school and has two kids, so she knows first hand about not getting everything done in the time frame originally intended.
    Hopefully your friend will be equally understanding if you don't just hop on the project super fast and finish it quickly.

  21. #21
    Super Member C.Cal Quilt Girl's Avatar
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    Good Luck on this sometimes it's hard to be so nice, Be Gentle and do it on the phone, that you've thought about it and really don't want to do the kit, blame it on creative process because a project this large you really need to enjoy, Let her know you think the world of her but just one per person/couple, you have others many still to go!
    I'm sure she realizes hubbie can be a pain, let her know don't want to do one for him, may seem mean but could completely solve the problem, she probibly just ask for him. May have thought no labor would be applied since they bought the kit.
    Back to Good Luck :)

  22. #22
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    Absolutely right!!!! Presumptuous to say the least. In essence, she didn't ask you to do this. She bought a kit, sent it to you, and expected you to do this. A true friend would never do this. It might be time to re-evaluate your relationship. It is unfortunate that some of our friends marry persons not to our liking, however, I think this situation is more than just your dislike of the husband. Time to re-think this.

  23. #23
    bj
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    I think you have to weigh how much you like her against how much you may not like him. You're really doing it for her, even if he's the one getting it. I'd do it; it's not a big project. And be ready with a quick no if she asks again.

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by MaryStoaks
    I'd send her a basic quilting book and offer to give any advise she needs to sew the project herself. If she and her husband like quilts so much she should learn to do it.
    I was thinking about this earlier this evening. I'll be seeing her this winter when we make a trip south. That is when I'm supposed to get the kit from her. I'm thinking about bringing along some fusing medium and showing her how to do it. Raw-edged applique just isn't that hard to do. She might even enjoy learning. We've spoken about sewing machines before, and she says she hasn't used hers in years. Maybe this could be a good way for her to get re-introduced to it.

  25. #25
    Junior Member fuail's Avatar
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    I was thinking about this earlier this evening. I'll be seeing her this winter when we make a trip south. That is when I'm supposed to get the kit from her. I'm thinking about bringing along some fusing medium and showing her how to do it. Raw-edged applique just isn't that hard to do. She might even enjoy learning. We've spoken about sewing machines before, and she says she hasn't used hers in years. Maybe this could be a good way for her to get re-introduced to it.[/quote]

    I think that's the best route at this point. Sometimes if you do one thing for a demanding person, they keep demanding more. Better to nip this in the bud, Good luck!

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