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Thread: The Class Reunion.....This WILL make you laugh!!!!

  1. #1
    Super Member Ditter43's Avatar
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    The Class Reunion.....This WILL make you laugh!!!!

    I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would.

    I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24 hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body. The last forty years of careful cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger.

    I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday. Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door.

    I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back ..." Bodies never have pockets where you need them.

    Bravely I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my knees ... before the zipper gave out. I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver sandals again and dance the night away.

    Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair. No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to Plan B: the black crepe caftan.

    I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at Saks: the scented shower gel; the body building and highlighting shampoo and conditioner; the split-end killer and shine enhancer. Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads.

    Then the makeup -- the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream, the all-day face-lifting gravity-fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle; the 'all day kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off' lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special glow.

    But first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.

    Okay, time to get ready! I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed and scoured my body to a tingling pink.

    I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting "your face will look like a baby's posterior" face cream. I set my hair on hot rollers.

    I felt wonderful. Ready to take on the world. Or in this instance, my underwear. With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, ham hock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're filled with helium" bra.

    I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge. I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled and kicked. Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done. And it didn't look bad.

    So I rested. A well deserved rest, too.

    The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper buns?" Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my buns to my knees. But I was firm!

    Oh no ... I had to go to the bathroom. And there wasn't a snap crotch. From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind. I quickly sidestepped to the bathroom.

    An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle. I was ready for the bra. I remembered what the saleslady said to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it should be worn -- straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups."

    Easy if you have four hands. But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down ... but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy. I bounced up and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging. Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands. Quickly fastening the back of the bra,
    I stood up for examination.

    Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning front, and then sideways. I smiled, yes, Houston , we have lift up!

    My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage! I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chin rest. And I couldn't see my feet.

    I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes. Oh ... why did I buy heels with buckles?

    Then I had to pee again. ........

    6:00 pm

    So I put on my sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the high school reunion.
    I quilt, therefore I am.

  2. #2
    Power Poster
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    Ain't it the truth!

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    I love it

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    Super Member CoventryUK's Avatar
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    Haha!! Brilliant!!! Been there done that!!!!!
    Hilary

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    Super Member Jan in VA's Avatar
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    OMG!!! I had NO idea anybody was outside my window peeking in.

    But, as there's no delivery where I am, I actually ate half quart of peppermint ice cream and a cup of hot fudge sauce for my consolation dinner.

    Jan in VA
    Jan in VA
    Living in the foothills
    peacefully colors my world.
    http://www.quiltingboard.com/members...bums19552.html

  6. #6
    Super Member DebbE's Avatar
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    I just about laughed myself out of the chair reading it, because I could actually envision myself doing all that! Haven't been to a high school reunion since the 5th one (the only one I attended) and haven't missed it a bit! However in my case, I would opt for a glass of Lambrusca & pop corn to watch an old movie while quilting.

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    These things happen!

  8. #8
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    Very funny!!

  9. #9
    Super Member dakotamaid's Avatar
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    It's called maturing!!!! LOL!!! I tried just once to do the girdle thingy, laughed myself silly and like you I quit! World, take me as I am.
    Have a great day sewing and remember to "not sweat the small stuff"!!



  10. #10
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    And my 50th is coming up! I have a year to prepare -- I'm sure a nothing will change from now til then. Maybe the lights will be dim and with everyone's bad eyes I won't look too bad!

  11. #11
    Super Member Teddybear Lady's Avatar
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    Four years ago I went to my 40th class reunion. I was so worried what my classmates would think of me. It only took me a few minutes when I arrived to realize we were all in the same boat. All those little "Twiggy" figures had "blossomed" and all those good looking jocks looked like my dad...gray hair, pudgy belly, or no hair at all. There were some I didn't recognize at all! I looked around, sighed a sigh of relief and enjoyed myself the rest of the evening.

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    I've never been to any. My 40th is coming up - I will not be going to this one either..

  13. #13
    Junior Member rainbowzebra's Avatar
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    I love it. Please let me know when your book comes out, it is sure to be a hoot. Never been to a class reunion, probably never will. What you see is what you get with me.
    Your mind is a garden,
    Your thoughts are seeds.
    You can grow flowers,
    Or you can grow weeds.

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    Power Poster miriam's Avatar
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    I've never been to a class reunion either - the trauma from the girdle I didn't need in the eighth grade was enough. We had a 'dressup' day at school. Everyone was expected to dress nice that day. My mom got me up and handed me a girdle. Now mind you I probably weighed about 85 or 90 lbs if that soaking wet. The girdle looked to me about 5 inches each direction way too small. Then there were the garters to hold up the stockings. Ok so I got it all on - no big deal. I sat through the first class in agony. The second class, Mrs. Davis for English. She never liked me. She was atheist I was a PK. I made it half way through the class and my breakfast which had been churning for hours made it's way on to the desk. Class dismissed. I hate girdles.
    Never let a sewing machine know you are in a hurry.

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    Ditter you are a gem. And that was a gem. Thanks for a good one. We sure did miss while you out.

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    Super Member maryb119's Avatar
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    Way too true!!! I skipped my 40th reunion. Too funny!

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    Very funny. Glad to see you are back. Really missed seeing your funnies.

  18. #18
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    OMG that was to funny. Couldn't stop laughing.

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    Power Poster nativetexan's Avatar
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    Ha, ha, ha!!! believe me, I had an undergarment yrs ago that had a snap crotch. I had to call my hubby into the bathroom to help me snap the thing again! in someone else's house! never again.

  20. #20
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    While I tend to be on the thin side, I have avoided high school reunions since they began.

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    So funny! Never did go to any reunion. Didn't think I'd recognize anyone anyway. STML had already set in. My excuse. Never was able to put my bra on the way the "experts" say you're suppose to. Yep, hook it in the front, swing to the back and dosie do to the front. We're in.

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    I attend ALL of my REUNIONS and love it. Even have been Chairman of a few. We are now 6 1 years and counting, Thank God we can still count ! We now get together every 3 months for a Dutch Treat Brunch. Have fun as life is too short to now worry about the wrinkles and cellulite !!!!!!

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    reunion

    Quote Originally Posted by Nammie to 7 View Post
    And my 50th is coming up! I have a year to prepare -- I'm sure a nothing will change from now til then. Maybe the lights will be dim and with everyone's bad eyes I won't look too bad!
    I went to my 50th last year. I didn't fell so bad at having picked up a bit of weight when I looked at my former classmates. Very few of them were even near the size as back in high school. At this stage in my life, take me as I am. My doctors don't seem too concerned with the weight, so why should I.

  24. #24
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    You're a hoot! That's high school reunions to a T.

  25. #25
    Super Member rosiewell's Avatar
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    so funny! Thanks for sharing

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