Welcome to the Quilting Board!

Already a member? Login above
loginabove
OR
To post questions, help other quilters and reduce advertising (like the one on your left), join our quilting community. It's free!

Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 31

Thread: One Liners and Shorts...funny!

  1. #1
    Super Member Ditter43's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Crystal River Florida
    Posts
    9,770
    1 . Two blondes walk into a building......you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

    2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

    3. I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any.

    4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
    'No, the steaks are too high.'

    5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

    6 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
    The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

    7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

    8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    91. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
    Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

    10. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
    'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
    'Is it common?'
    'It's not unusual.'

    11. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
    'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
    'No, because he's really heavy'

  2. #2
    Super Member C.Cal Quilt Girl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    Central Ca
    Posts
    2,619
    Oh you..... yes, I had to read some of those twice ;)
    Thanks for the Laughs !! :)

  3. #3
    Super Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Tennessee
    Posts
    2,305
    Where do you get these things? My DH just said, 'You know, those are really bad, don't you?' BUT the gave us both a smile!

  4. #4
    Senior Member hannajo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Brooklyn, NY
    Posts
    819
    Thanks, Ditter! Those really made me laugh.

  5. #5
    a regular here hazeljane's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Tulsa, OK
    Posts
    820
    I have a someone risque one for you:

    A sadist and a masochist get together, and the sadist ties up the masochist so he can't move. The masochist says: "Okay, now hurt me"

    And the masochist says "no."

  6. #6
    Banned
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    1,587
    Good ones....Funny!

  7. #7
    Senior Member grannyQ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    SE Iowa
    Posts
    603
    Blog Entries
    31
    Just love your jokes. I usually show my hubby and he cracks up to. Keep them coming.

  8. #8
    Power Poster CarrieAnne's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Whitewater, WI
    Posts
    26,044
    lol!

  9. #9
    Super Member Dollysquiltingmom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    North, Ms.
    Posts
    1,190
    LOL!!

  10. #10
    Super Member tjradj's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    London, Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    1,328
    Blog Entries
    1
    Ditter, you're a funny gal.
    Keep it coming.

  11. #11
    Super Member bjnicholson's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    Cleveland OH
    Posts
    3,236
    Blog Entries
    1
    Grrrrooooooan!

  12. #12
    Magdalena's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    State of Grace
    Posts
    1,873
    Blog Entries
    1
    :thumbup: My DH nonchalantly will ask me, "Did she send any funnies today?"

  13. #13
    Power Poster ann clare's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Navan. Co. Meath. Ireland
    Posts
    15,104
    Funny

  14. #14

    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Posts
    608
    Thanks, Ditter, my husband and I really enjoyed these...especially the Tom Jones joke and the Rottweiler joke.
    I couldn't stop laughing over the Rottweiler jokes. Thanks for making our day. Eiltcoq.

  15. #15
    Super Member cyniree's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Kansas
    Posts
    1,069
    goodness, that one where he can't feel his legs. Oh my gosh.

  16. #16
    Super Member laurafet's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    1,994
    Ditter, you are the light of our day!

  17. #17
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Lake, MS
    Posts
    655
    Blog Entries
    1
    Thanks for the chuckles.

  18. #18
    Super Member Roberta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    China, ME.
    Posts
    2,866
    Blog Entries
    1
    I haven't laughed in days but I did at these. Thanks Ditter.

  19. #19
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Western Slope, Colorado
    Posts
    354
    Ditter: the Abacus.............you can always count on her.

  20. #20
    Super Member anniesews's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Middle of Michigan
    Posts
    1,405
    You are so funny! I told one of your jokes at our family Christmas party today and everyone laughed and laughed.

  21. #21
    Member falcon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    western australia
    Posts
    49
    Love you jokes especially the strong current one.

  22. #22
    Super Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    San Bernardino
    Posts
    4,298
    Funny, funny Thanks Ditter.

  23. #23

    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Missouri
    Posts
    123
    Thank you, Ditter! :D :-D You always make me smile! I love the play on words. The first one, being a past blonde [I'm not 58 and gray! I earned these gray ones and I'm keeping them!], just made me laugh and laugh! You ARE my Christmas present this year. Thank you for the goodies!!!!! Merry Christmas to one and all!!!!!! :-D :thumbup:

  24. #24
    Super Member jojosnana's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Farmington Hills, Michigan
    Posts
    5,651
    ouch......

  25. #25
    Super Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    SW Minnesota
    Posts
    1,588
    Thanks for the chuckles, Ditter! Keep'em coming!

Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

SEO by vBSEO ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.