Stick to your guns, Pam. No one appreciates a brat.

As gently and honestly as you can, inform your daughter that his behavior is not allowed at your house. She should remember from her own childhood and appreciate the "my house, my rules" axiom. Accept no rebuttal or "threats" in response.

You know something that might work for you? It was something my mother did until we left home, but it will probably work for you <g>
Whenever we would get really rambunctious, my mom would say: If you have that much energy, then you get out and clean the slab (or some other form of work)
What she was doing was teaching us to re-direct our energy into positive production.
Of course we were overworked! Of course we resented being told to do work! But, she still managed to teach us how to handle our energy in more positive ways.
Now, I watch a lot of RFD-TV, especially the horse training series ... and, one of the keys is: If the horse wants to show you his heels (shows disrespect) or acts up in some other appropriate way, start sending him around the round pen at a trot and then do some other exercises with him.
The key is: I can make you do something besides what you want to do (a good lesson for humans to learn, too) ...
One of the things I did with my children was: When they would act inappropriately, I would send them to their room until they could come out and be civil.
i started that at an extremely young age, so that by the time they could walk, they knew when I sent them to their room, that there was a way to get back out.
An example would be: Baby boy starts to pitch a fit. Mommy tells him to go pick up that little blue bear and bring it to the toy box.
As far as grandma giving in to JR ... you MUST intervene. She is interfering in a different way and she is old enough to understand "You will teach my child right from wrong, or there will be consequences".
I couldn't leave my kids alone with my parents because my mother would teach them to feel sorry for themselves and I would get ANIMALS back!
interesting how different personalities handle different problems, isn't it?
Keep looking for a solution - - you will find something that will work for you.
I also believe in a swift pop on the bumba! It is amazing what one swat at the right time can teach a child - - and, you have to do it young or you will find yourself with a mouthy teen who has been trained to ALWAYS override your sternest order. <wave>

nope , i do not bite my tongue, but i have to be careful how i word things to my DD. My 3 year old GS is very well behaved..she is a teacher and of course, does things way differently than i did.
i am fortunate that she asks me what i think..that is when i tell her.

they are creating a monster by letting him have his way when screaming..

i feel sorry for the child, because in the real world,you don't get what you want all the time.

Omak = ooo I like the redirecting energy idea. I think my mom's problem with my son and previously my brother was not knowing how to deal with all that energy, it's easier to just give in to whatever they want. She is so adoring of him can't stand the thought of saying "no" :) But I bet telling her to give him something else to do will work for us, he loves praise and to "help" so that should be a good technique. I'm also thinking that reminding her of my brother's tantrums that lasted until he was 8 or 9 will help! :D

As far as giving advice to your daughter, I totally agree with the "my house, my rules." But that's a tough situation when you are at her house.

I'm a Grandma too, we have rules at my house, sometimes different than Mommy's but rules just the same. I say stand your ground, it'll become easier as time goes on... My daughter told me one time, it's just easier to allow the behavior because she's exhausted... remember when you had young children.... you were exhausted all the time. Stand your ground. it's called the 'terrible twos' for a reason.

Yes, being a mother is a 24/7 job and sometimes it's exhausting. Especially when you have work or school, housework and kids to take care of.

My son asked my daughter what she wanted for Christmas and she told him that she'd like him to watch the kids for 3 evenings so she and her husband could go to dinner. :D

I don't remember being exhausted, but then I had pretty much made up my mind that I was NOT those kids' playmate or toy.
I watched my daughter raise one child and kept telling her: Have MORE - - they entertain each other!
She did NOT appreciate that bit of input.
I remember with our first grandchild the first time I had to pop him on the bumba ... that was when I knew why God gave children to young people.
Young people aren't quite so patient as us old, fat, lazy, wimpy, tired old people. My kids were extremely amazed at how patient I was with the boy.
But, the day did come, as it always will when your child is healthy, well-fed, and highly intelligent. The day when the boy looks you in the eye, says "NO!" and MEANS no! (or "I AM going to do what I want, and you can't make me!"
Wanna bet??? It about broke my heart to hear his sobs, and I vowed that I would never do that again (I think that lasted about three days, and he decided to try something else <g>)
but, for the most part, it only took one time to teach him that I was very capable of meaning what I say ...
sometimes, we expect too much from children, and sometimes we don't expect enough.
If you think of it - - humans were created to be productive and if we don't teach little humans at an early age how to produce something positive, they will produce something else less desirable, but they WILL produce.
And, enjoy the child for who he is!
My kids never went through stages - - I wouldn't allow it, but I did try to figure out what their actions were telling me about what was going on in their heads ...
a growing human, no matter the age, is seeking input and feedback and will do a lot of weird things to accomplish that end.
Remember to keep an eye on the end product. You want a human who is reasonably self-sufficient, useful to others, and thoughtful, respectful, with a backbone of his own ... it takes a lot of work to accomplish that and a bit of expecting them to perform a bit beyond their level - - or at least the desire to improve themselves without having you tell them every move to make.
We really do start with a helpless infant who is expected to grow up into a responsible adult - - that isn't accomplished by waiting until x-age to start. We are teaching them every day, and we are the ones they want to learn it from (even when they are their most unlovable selves).
Can't tell I really like this subject, can you? LOL <wave>

Working parents DO have a lot more challenge.
When I was working, it took me awhile to realize - - I left my daughter at the sitter's during the best hours of her day.
Then, I got her home and we got ready for bed - - turns out, the babysitter was more a parent than I was ... I was more like a babysitter! <wave>

Love everyone who's saying, "My House, my rules."

This is a great life lesson. The rest of the world is not Mama. This knowledge really is a fundamental element of success.

Do you x-stitch? Ever made a sampler? How about hanging up a pretty sampler which reads, "My House. My rules." or, "Grandma's House. Grandma's rules."

You could add pointing at the sampler to your routine. You'll have The Look and The Point.

My fave is the "Life's unfair." sampler. When they hit the "That's not faaaaiiiir!" age, they'll be biting their tongues and holding back. No kid enjoys having their whine interrupted by a dismissive "Life's unfair."

Ah, good times. Thanks for the memories.

I was going to back off for awhile, but I just HAD to write <g>
I don't remember it, but my mother tells me that when we were growing up, we told her the only reason she and dad had had us was to do all their work .... r i g h t!
So, when the kids got old enough to grumble about chores, I just gave it to them straight:
You were born so I would have someone to do my work. Get busy!
It took all the guess work out of everything and then they REALLY had something to whine about! LOL <wave>
oh, and I found out that kids weren't born so we could reason with them.
They were born so that the reasons we choose what we choose is because we have a reason and WE know what the reason is!
Children are designed to challenge us in our perceptions - - validate them or change them, but children function best when they are surrounded by adults who are in control and know how to be adults. There is a reason children look UP to see you, and that reason isn't to bully them, it is so that they comprehend there are big people around to protect them, teach them, provide for them, and guide them.