Quiltingboard Forums - When People Ask For Hand Outs and Donations

I have read each and every post in this thread with great personal interest.

My heart rejoices each time I hear about one of you who feels joy at sharing. Like the spirit of giving we see at Christmas time.

And oh what a feeling when I read that you do not wish your long term friend who repeatedly posts, to feel things said are aimed at her personally. Balm to this lady's sore, let me tell you.

I have been doing more reading than posting.
So you will not find a great deal of things I have written to "judge me" worthy of your sharing...

... and my heart grieves at the attitude of shaming those who would feel such need as to publicly post that they need other quilters scraps. Not the same thing at all as contacting some stranger in a PM to impose your need upon them...as to post publicly and allow each readers heart to lead them...or ability to share.

Yes, there are those who will take advantage, but I believe they are the few. If I would not allow the hipocrites to keep me from entering my father's house, would still love and forgive them, then maybe, eventually they will not be hipocrites.

Let yourself also off the hook if you are like Thomas, the doubter. The one whom he doubed let him off the hook, and even gently gave him the proof he sought.

So let me share/burden you with the true story of one newby's need for hand outs. Not so you will pitty me, or send me fabrics to build me a stash...but so you can just know.

They say confession is good for the soul, so here it goes.
Maybe my user account is about to be overflowing with flame letters as a response, or pitty letters, but come what may, I still want to post this long story so you may all gain something of it.

It leaves me feeling more than just a wee bit naked in public, but I already feel shamed, so it makes little difference.

I am someone who asked for hand outs.
I did it the very hour I registered.
I was so new, I did not realize it was against the rules...
But I did not ask for my own sake.

By removing my original post, admin also removed my ability to publicly thank those kind ladies who did respond and send scraps and actual bits from their stashes that were not scraps, but cut special to send ...

When that original post was removed, it also took away the ability to post my progress on her quilt, so folks could follow the story, give encouragement, suggestions, etc., or tell me what I am doing wrong either.

I was taught manners, so even with that taken away, I figured out how to PM each sender when their package arrived, and thanked them. I also asked was there anything I could do for them in return for their sharing. Money is not everything, and I do have some talents to share in return.

I have done without my quilting for over 6 years, dropped out of the local guild, etc ...but when someone I love had her quilts stolen from her nursing home, I asked for her sake. She gets so cold in the nursing home, but her request was that I not spend any money on fabric to make her a new quilt. She knows my family's situation. It was here need that gave me the original thought of how to find fabrics that fit her restriction on my gift to her of a new quilt. It was her need that led me to ask my grandson for help.

So I asked for the scraps left over at the end of a "your" project. I only needed pieces in the size range of 2" squares. Not yardage or even FQs or O 8ths. Few who sent fabrics really got that part. Most sent "large" pieces that I would have paid for at a fabric store...when you compare what they sent to what I had tried to ask for, that is.

Her favorite quilts have always been the scrap ones, the real charms where no fabric is used twice. To her eyes, they sparkle more. Plus from her life's experiences came a special joy at the thought of making a silk purse from the pigs ear...it was this woman who taught me life lessons like giving, un-conditional love, who my Heavenly Father is, about community obligations, volunteerism, the value of a job well done rather than a job done to the point of just saying "good enough".

My post, complete with a photo of her, which was my way of proving that she did exist and was really of that age...was removed within a few scant hours. At the time, I was absolutely new to this site. So new I had not even read the rules thoroughly.
My grandson "hooked me up" with this site, showing me what he could, as a 12 year old boy, even showing me there are free lessons out there on U Tube and such.

In the few scant hours the post was up, there were "so many" who PM'd and did send packages...did share from the bottom of their hearts. Around a dozen ladies in all sent bits.

Working on this project with the fabrics donated by loving, caring women from so many places filled my heart to overflowing, and helped me crawl out of my own personal depression further than any medication I have been given, or social worker's words...etc.

So for those of you out there who deal with deep long term depression, there is a way to return from the edge and pull of the "deep black hole" called depression.

And one lady had written something that especially touched my heart. She wrote of how exciting it was for her to participate in giving to someone so old, who had her quilts stolen ...so that now she would be covered with love sent in the form of scraps, from all over the world.

I felt such overwhelming joy at hearing the attitudes of those who chose to send even if I was a newby, especially that one.

Now for my personal story of loss and need.
Just so you can gain some perspective.

Not to admonish, punish, or chastise those who would doubt need or be put of by people openly asking for hand outs, but just so you can gain in understanding, and perspective.

I write this with a gentle heart, soft voice and loving spirit. I can only hope that you hear these black words on white "paper" with the soft tones and spirit they are intended to portray.

After moving every 2-3 years with my military husband, we were finally able to settle down and buy a home with "good bones and lots of potential" in 1989. It had weathered quite a number of mild to moderate hurricanes since it was built. Then in 2004 it began, and our home was ravaged by a series of monster hurricanes. One right after another after another. Even Katrina left us with more damage.

If you look, my location is in partly revealed, I will admit publicly to living in the Gulf Coast region.

I lost so much, and came close to loosing everything, even my life...and that struggle continues.

Our profitable corporation of over 10 years, mostly family & friend operated, was totally destroyed. We still owe a large debt on the equipment that we had to have for that business...and will pay it all off eventually. We refuse to do unto others as the insurance company did to us. We will not declare bankruptcy. We do not get food stamps, I am disabled, but do not get SSI. I did volunteer work, and the SS office told me I had never paid in enough to qualify to get any aide now.

Our home was at the tipping point...condemn it or repair. Our home owner's insurance company declared bankruptcy and then got away with only paying us scant pennies on the dollar in return for over 20 years of paying the premium rate for replacement insurance, rather than the cheaper depreciative type/rate. So if it was condemned, we would not even be able to find a new place to live with "the money", the insurance company would not have even paid enough to cover the money still due on the mortgage, so we would have been homeless and still owe them money.

What happened to our community was on the national news...and there is cable tv complete with the weather chanel at the nursing home. So while my loving grandmother did not see our personal loss level, she knew. I worried it would lead her to such stress as to cause her to have a heart attack, so did everyone else in my up home family, so we all agreed to keep her basically in the dark. Still she knew. So she really means what she demanded of me when she heard the news that I was going to start her a new quilt...she would not accept it if I spent money on it for her...only to risk it too becomes stolen. Her restriction really put me to the task of creativity. To use no money...what to do, what to do.

I do not wish to tell you the depths of my own personal despair.

But I will tell you the height of my joy at receiving such an outpouring from those who saw my post before it was removed.

One special lady even sent two packages to me, when I admitted that I needed more of a special color fabric that is currently not available on the market ...turquoise. And the check book size 2nd package was awe inspiring to this person...turquoise beyond my imagination.

Six years after the storms, our roof still leaks. We could not do our own roofing, and the company we ended up hiring took our $ and did the work, but did shoddy work with inferior material goods, and then left to work in another state when the complaints against them started mounting. Things were so bad in this entire area, that police were assigned to the hardware stores and semi trucks delivering goods...so that residents had to stop looting, shooting each other and fighting over the materials that were here. It was BAD.

I had researched the company before giving them a contract and money down...what I did not know in time, was that the company had just been sold and changed from long term, locally owned and operated, to foreign owned and "carpet bagger" con at heart. That experience left us with little options, and even less money to use. So we decided to do the remaining work ourselves, so we could control the materials used, and the quality of the workmanship as well.

At this point in time, we were using our personal savings to pay for repairs...prioritizing what we believed to be the greatest needs. The insurance company had not sent any funds for any repairs...they had gone quickly to court to file their papers...

Two of our daughters assisted us. The other two could not, as one was pregnant and the other was living in Ireland. No one else came to help or offered funds either. Not one penny came from FEMA or the Red Cross.

If I can put together a quilt and it lays flat and true, I can use those same skills to put up new siding, doors and windows, etc.
We did not get hit on even one inspection.

I am still down to bare cement foundation for floors. And worse. I do not care to finish describing the repairs not yet even touched. And yet we took in others who had nothing.

On another side of things besides the state of our home, my personal health has become so bad that I came within hours of dying in November. You really do not want to hear the rest of the story...you would only think I was either lying or exaggerating. And if you did happen to believe it, your heart would ache and you would loose sleep. I used to share the story in email letters to those family members who asked and cared...and they tell me it still bothers them greatly.

This sort of damage and recovery is so incredible, that you have to experience it, even second hand through a loved one, to know its true scope. This entire county looked like a war zone. Less than 100 roofs were left intact...homes, businesses, etc. Less than 100. And in those years, those monster storms were everywhere. Not enough good contractors to go around...but plenty of cons, and carpet baggers showed up to "help".

My home is still so bad, I have stopped most of my socializing.
I have one true local friend left, and we just stick together and help each other. Her husband is not a handy man, but mine is. She can drive, I no longer can. So she also watched in awe when the packages started to arrive. And she too felt the joy of spreading out those bits and seeing that others really do care.

She used to tease me for saving every little scrap...even sewing pieces together to make a big enough piece of fabric to use in my tiny blocks of less than 2" square. She isn't laughing at me any more.

So she started helping me go back to the local quilt guild.
Again I humbled myself to tell them about my need.
Like here, some were upset I would stand up and"beg/ask" for scraps...but others have chosen to start saving me the cut offs from their strip piecing projects and such. I was able to show them my work in progress...they saw, they know. They have known me as a long term member from the past. Not having laid eyes on me in over 6 years, some thought I had either moved elsewhere or died.

I enjoy the slow rhythm of un-sewing a stack of cut off ends...and knowing that they will not go to waste in some land fill...and at night, I dream of the beautiful things they can still become.

It is far easier to be the one who is generous and sharing.
It is so hard to be the one in need, and to speak out.
Humbling is not a strong enough word.

So here I sit, tears running down my red hot embarrassed face.
Feeling shame, humiliation, frustration, awe, simpathy, empathy, and naked.

I asked for a hand out.
I was new.
I was ignorant of the rules and in need.
But I also know the thoughts of how to know who to give what I do have to...and also have experienced those who are just out to con and gain.

The thought of disappearing and never coming here again has crossed my mind several times. I have deleted what I have written several times over. Considered just keeping silent...keeping my shame, and my story, to myself.

But then what do you all gain when so many of you are asking about "giving to those who are strangers and new".

I offer you a way to understand. We have an income. My husband is a retired, disabled military veteran of over 22 years and 3 wars. He also has a part time job of less than 20 hours per week.

We started a new business. But it takes money to do that...and so far we have not made a profit yet in our new business. We even have an e-bay account.

I do buy stuff there...but only at the lowest price. One magazine pattern at a time for less than a dollar. I can not afford quilt magazine subscriptions like I used to have.
On e-bay, I will shop with the same ladies over and over...asking them to hold my selected items and ship them all at once and save me the big $$$ for S & H.

I also am a member of craig's list. And I share what ever I can...what ever I can spare or am not using. I think it was back in April we held a yard sale...us and all our children as well. But it was one like you may have never encountered. People came, shopped, brought us their final selections, and then discovered that there was no money to pay...they were at liberty to take it for free, and to also use our phone to call their friends and neighbors who might also need some of what we had put out. This idea came from the Church in Ireland that I got to visit when I went to help my daughter and her family when the new baby came...I was there for 3 whole months, but it was not a holiday or tourist visit. It was daily work that taxed this disabled body to the max. But the church there was amazing. And so I was gifted with this new idea and attitude...a free yard sale where like candid camera, they don't get it until the end.

After Katrina, many of the ones evacuated were sent to our county to be housed in the Civic Center. Some very creative ladies posted to craigslist that they wanted to teach those women how to do patchwork and quilting...to not only keep them busy but to give them hope. They asked for donations of any and all sizes. I told them to come, and to bring either a truck or a large car. They came with a 9 passenger station wagon. I stuffed it so full of scraps in heavy duty lawn size debris bags, they could hardly fit themselves in.

If quilting could not be my priority, I was willing to give til it hurt so that others could feel hope.
But I was not totally selfless. I did save my best yardage goods, fabric medley's and such for myself for later. I felt a bit guilty over that selfishness too. They were put in huge plastic bins and stacked one atop the other in a corner...and it reached the ceiling. Then other bins with other things were also placed in that one precious, leak proof room...so now I can not get to them. I am not without a stash...I just can not get to it.

I was about to participate in a swap here...so after begging two special son in laws...they got me down a bin. It was a lot of work for them to re-arrange stuff to even get to them.
To my horror, the fabrics have some ugly mystery stains that will not come out...smell faintly rancid, mildewed and are no longer worthy of swapping.

I refuse to just dump them. I will slowly launder each bin, use bleach even if it damages the colors and prints...and then make quilts for the community. They will still keep many warm who have nothing. I can still donate the tops to the guild and someone else with funds can add backing and batting.

We have 8 extra family members still living with us, with either no income, or not enough for the new higher prices to rent a place in a decent neighborhood. Ours was not the only business to be destroyed, and not re-open. This is a big house. We squeak by...there just is not enough money for this steward to invest in a replacement stash.

So you will not find me involved in a swap or BOM, etc. until I can spend my own income to do so, without taking food out of the mouths of my grandchildren, or leaving my husband's budget in the red. I will not send someone damaged goods in return for their premium supplies. And while I have had offers to pay me to hand quilt some treasure, currently I am too weak to take the jobs, and still do for my own grandmother and new grandbabies.

While I will admit that there is a large part of me that just longs to ask for the cut off, left over scraps of those who can afford to not just use scraps...reading what has been written here, I am un-likely to ever openly ask for any hand outs for my own sake.

Perhaps, but only perhaps, I will still post asking for scraps for others in need...and simply relish in the joy of piecing, quilting and giving...but only perhaps.

As a child I often heard the phrase "stick & stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me".

As an adult of more than middle age, I can tell you that I would rather you beat me with a stick or hit me with a stone, then to abuse me with words my mind can not forget, and my heart will grieve over. Memories can last a life time, and take much longer to heal than a cut or broken bone.

Those of you who give, share and rejoice in it...I thank you for sharing your spirit in this string.

And for those of you who have been hurt by those who would abuse and use you...I wish I had the balm to sooth your aching hearts and bruised spirits. I wish I could be your close personal friend, so that my life could be your inspiration.

I feel greedy.
But not for asking for scraps for the quilt I am going to give away to my grandmother, not really for that.
I feel greedy for not giving away more of my fabrics... I feel God has taught me a valuable lesson...they are now damaged goods. But that was my personal lesson to learn.

Not one I am trying to impose on anyone else.

She who dies with the most fabric, really does not win.
She who dies with the most quilts made and shared is the true winner.

I am not done with this internal debate....disappear or stay.
Ask or stay silent.
I know I have written far more than I had to...and most likely way more than any of you ever would like to have heard...or read.

But then again, this tread is all about "When People Ask for Hand Outs and Donations" and the special sub category was "as newbies you know nothing about".

Its just my story.
It isn't going to change the world.
It isn't meant to change any of you that take the time to read the whole thing either.
It is only offered up, in most of it's entirety, after editing, as a way to answer the thread.

This message board is uplifting from where I sit.
Caring, sharing, loving, nurturing, inspiring...a real hand up from my depressing life. I cherish the live chat room.
I feel like it is a wonderful gift that my computer adict grandson bestowed upon his grandmother. He really did a good job.

I read the messages, even if most often I do not post.
When I write, I paint a picture with words.
I have tried my hand at poetry...but a true poet must be a master at words, so they can say much in very little space, only a few lines.

I rather write like Nathaniel Hawthorne. Short stories that may seem sad or macabe, but are truly didactic in nature, written with deep thought towards teaching the value of balance. Few got his real message. But also like Laura Ingalls Wilder, what I know and have lived. From the heart and firmly planted in my real world, for good and for ill.

Most who have posted to this string so far, have been those who share with those who beg. Maybe those who beg are currently feeling too shy to write much.

Cudos to those brave hearts.
Oncore to those generous ones.
And hugs from me to you, along with a soothing cup of tea, a slice of homemade toast and some fresh berry jam.

How ever did you find all those wonderful photos of food...and that Ketsup dude? LOL