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Thread: Retired husband

  1. #1
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    Retired husband






    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

    Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.


    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:


    Dear Mrs. Harris ,


    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are
    "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.


    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.


    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.


    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.


    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.


    6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.


    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.


    9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.


    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.


    11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.


    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.


    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'


    14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!


    15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?


    And last, but not least:


    16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'


    One of the clerks passed out.


    If you don't send this to your dearest friends, you will be depriving them of some good humor.


    Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of God!

  2. #2
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    oh i love it. that is cute. lol

  3. #3
    Senior Member sandraa's Avatar
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    Thanks for my laugh of the day.

  4. #4
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    I would share this with my retired husband because it is hilarious but it might give him ideas.

  5. #5
    Power Poster Jingle's Avatar
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    Very funny. My Husband won't retire and I wouldn't take him shopping with me. I hate to browse, I like to buy, especially fabrics.
    Another Phyllis
    This life is the only one you get - enjoy it before you lose it.

  6. #6
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    Seriously, I can see my husband doing stuff like that! We're both retired, but he does some consulting work, so that keeps him busy.

  7. #7
    Super Member burchquilts's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sandraa View Post
    Thanks for my laugh of the day.
    Ditto! ROTFLOL!
    (`v)
    `*..*
    .
    .*).*)
    (.(. (..`..♥ rebecca

  8. #8
    Super Member burchquilts's Avatar
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    I especially like putting the M & M's on layway... LOL!
    (`v)
    `*..*
    .
    .*).*)
    (.(. (..`..♥ rebecca

  9. #9
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    This is just too too funny! My husband is retired, I am not so now he does the cooking. Ha Ha

  10. #10
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    This is a hoot!

  11. #11
    Super Member callen's Avatar
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    This is hysterical. Someone had already sent this to me & even after reading it several times it is still hysterical.
    Dance like no one is watching

  12. #12
    Senior Member mrs theo's Avatar
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    I just copied this and e-mailed it to all of my non-quilting friends : ) Great one!!!
    Barb

    No one can make you feel inferior unless you allow them to...Eleanor Roosevelt

  13. #13
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    O M G!!!!!!!!!!!!Is that what I have to look forward to?Just ssssshot me N O W !!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. #14
    Super Member coopah's Avatar
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    Hilarious! Once i was shopping in the fluffly ladie's store while my husband was in the men's store next door. When I came out of the dressing room, hubby was happily chatting up the salesclerks. When I asked what was so funny, they said he could tell me....hmmm! So after we left the store, he told me he'd swung the front doors wide, walked in and said, "Got anything in my size?" (THis from the straightest guy in the world!) The ladies were pretty calm, he said....and no, he never goes dress shopping with me anymore.
    Last edited by coopah; 05-24-2012 at 02:50 PM. Reason: can't spell simple words!
    "A woman is like a tea bag-you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water." Eleanor Roosevelt

  15. #15
    Super Member Latrinka's Avatar
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    Too funny!
    If a woman's work is never done....why start?

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