how do I overcome negativity?
03-09-2010, 07:41 AM
#11
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Delhi, Ontario
Posts: 376
thank you everyone for your reply and your support. I really just needed to vent and have a shoulder to cry on.
We are the kind of parents that hold the kids responsible for their actions. We have clear, fair, consistent rules and expectations and we follow through every time. We do tell the kids frequently that we care about them but not their behaviour.
There have been numerous times, that she has come home drunk, or high, and expected to be kicked out of the house. I always say, I am not going to kick you out of the house for making a mistake, but you will have a consequence to help you learn from your mistake. She has told me, frequently that she will do whatever it takes to get what she wants, and what she wants is to live with her boyfriend. The catalyst has been....the boyfriend never wants to be here because they say its boring over here (they can't "hang out" in her room, which they do at his house, they close the door and have sex when his parents are home and in the other room. They cannot smoke in the house. They not only smoke at the boyfriends, but the parents supply them with ciggarettes, including the younger brother who started smoking at the age of 10. They cannot watch resistricted movies in our family room while dry humping on the couch in front of everyone.) If she could she would get up at 5 or 6 in the morning and go over there and crawl into bed with him. She goes over there for lunch and many times is late getting back to class, and is back there again right after school until curfew which is 10 pm. Our feeling is that it is unhealthy (for many reasons) for her tgo be there almost 24/7 and to just come home to sleep a few hours and be back again. We tried to have the boyfriend spend one evening a week, but he would either be sick, have things to do, or find some excuse not to come over. It got to the point that we said he must come and spend the evening before she can go over there. Nothing but problems with them trying to negotitate him not coming at all....so we said fine, we can't make him come over, but she needs to stay home 2 nights per week. It has evolved from there that she will not stay home, will not come home, and wants to spend the night over there, because she is too tired to make it home after being in the hot tub. He lives 1/2 a block away. The boyfriend is 17 a year older than her. He is no longer attending school this year, as he will not make his credits, so he feels its a waste of his time. His parents believe that he shouldn't have to work part time while going to school. He is supposed to be in grade 11 but is in grade 9. He misses more school than he attends for one excuse or another. The younger brother started high school this year and already is on probabtion with a truency officer. I do not agree with the way the parents of the boyfriend deal with these things but it is not my home and not my business.
The social worker and I are on the same page. We are working together to try and find a soloution for her, but she is too immature and just wants what she wants and she wants it right now. The boyfriends parents were contatcted by the worker, to try and get them on the same page, but they don't see anything wrong with the kids desire to live together because the parents themselves, were married at 17.
I am letting her go, because that is the only thing I can do. I don't want things to be said that can't be taken back, and I want the door to be left open for her to come back after learning the hard way...or not because she is too stubborn. Either way I want her to know that I still care for her, despite the outcome and I have told her that as well as written her a letter to read later on when she is not so angry. I know she is engaging in detachment behaviour...to make it easier for her to leave without feeling guilty. I know this but it doesn't make me feel any better. Right now the worker has found a bed in a semi-independent living facility, which is 40 mins away. Bottom line.....I am letting her go....but I am hoping she learns from this and comes back, and if she doesn't that she reaches the potential that I know she has!
Thanks again everyone
Denise
We are the kind of parents that hold the kids responsible for their actions. We have clear, fair, consistent rules and expectations and we follow through every time. We do tell the kids frequently that we care about them but not their behaviour.
There have been numerous times, that she has come home drunk, or high, and expected to be kicked out of the house. I always say, I am not going to kick you out of the house for making a mistake, but you will have a consequence to help you learn from your mistake. She has told me, frequently that she will do whatever it takes to get what she wants, and what she wants is to live with her boyfriend. The catalyst has been....the boyfriend never wants to be here because they say its boring over here (they can't "hang out" in her room, which they do at his house, they close the door and have sex when his parents are home and in the other room. They cannot smoke in the house. They not only smoke at the boyfriends, but the parents supply them with ciggarettes, including the younger brother who started smoking at the age of 10. They cannot watch resistricted movies in our family room while dry humping on the couch in front of everyone.) If she could she would get up at 5 or 6 in the morning and go over there and crawl into bed with him. She goes over there for lunch and many times is late getting back to class, and is back there again right after school until curfew which is 10 pm. Our feeling is that it is unhealthy (for many reasons) for her tgo be there almost 24/7 and to just come home to sleep a few hours and be back again. We tried to have the boyfriend spend one evening a week, but he would either be sick, have things to do, or find some excuse not to come over. It got to the point that we said he must come and spend the evening before she can go over there. Nothing but problems with them trying to negotitate him not coming at all....so we said fine, we can't make him come over, but she needs to stay home 2 nights per week. It has evolved from there that she will not stay home, will not come home, and wants to spend the night over there, because she is too tired to make it home after being in the hot tub. He lives 1/2 a block away. The boyfriend is 17 a year older than her. He is no longer attending school this year, as he will not make his credits, so he feels its a waste of his time. His parents believe that he shouldn't have to work part time while going to school. He is supposed to be in grade 11 but is in grade 9. He misses more school than he attends for one excuse or another. The younger brother started high school this year and already is on probabtion with a truency officer. I do not agree with the way the parents of the boyfriend deal with these things but it is not my home and not my business.
The social worker and I are on the same page. We are working together to try and find a soloution for her, but she is too immature and just wants what she wants and she wants it right now. The boyfriends parents were contatcted by the worker, to try and get them on the same page, but they don't see anything wrong with the kids desire to live together because the parents themselves, were married at 17.
I am letting her go, because that is the only thing I can do. I don't want things to be said that can't be taken back, and I want the door to be left open for her to come back after learning the hard way...or not because she is too stubborn. Either way I want her to know that I still care for her, despite the outcome and I have told her that as well as written her a letter to read later on when she is not so angry. I know she is engaging in detachment behaviour...to make it easier for her to leave without feeling guilty. I know this but it doesn't make me feel any better. Right now the worker has found a bed in a semi-independent living facility, which is 40 mins away. Bottom line.....I am letting her go....but I am hoping she learns from this and comes back, and if she doesn't that she reaches the potential that I know she has!
Thanks again everyone
Denise
03-09-2010, 07:58 AM
#12
Super Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Belle Isle, Florida
Posts: 6,668
Teenagers are not for the squeamish! Good luck to you. I read this article this week: http://www.womansday.com/Articles/Fa...-of-Teens.html and thought it had a lot of practical, common sense tips to increase positivity.
03-09-2010, 09:21 AM
#14
Super Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Colorful Colorado
Posts: 1,989
I have five children (now that they are grown I try not to call them kids baby goats )the youngest one was a hard teen I had to set my rules,miss much time at work,and tell myself OFTEN how much I love him.It took 3 years for him to figure it out but he did.Now hes in college!!!!!They can be a lot of work.
03-10-2010, 06:57 AM
#15
Super Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 2,375
Daisy, I think that's awesome that she's going to an independent living home. If she wants to be an adult, then she has the opportunity to act like one. Heh. Nooooo, she's not going to like it, because she'd rather lay around with the boyfriend's house, with no rules. That stinks that the bf's family is not on board with you. And that's terrible that she's gone and gotten high numerous times and then came home...to that I guess I'd say she needs a little tougher love because whatever's going on isn't deterrent enough, kwim?
Keep us posted. One day, she will spread her wings and fly. It just might not be THIS day. :D
Keep us posted. One day, she will spread her wings and fly. It just might not be THIS day. :D
03-10-2010, 09:15 AM
#16
Super Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Fayetteville, GA
Posts: 2,879
We have problems with our DS when he was a teen. Looking back all his problems were so minor, but being his parents they were major to us. He is a new Dad and I bet he will be supper strick with his little girl.
My heart goes out to you bc even though you are letting her go, your heart will ache for her.
My heart goes out to you bc even though you are letting her go, your heart will ache for her.
03-10-2010, 09:52 AM
#17
Super Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Central Wisconsin
Posts: 1,660
We have 3 grown children and 1 that is slowly making his way in that direction. I can't say enough how much I admire you and DH for what you are doing. Parenting (on a good day) is not an easy task. Unfortunatly they don't come with a guide book. Lord only knows that I don't know everything and have made my share of mistakes, but I do know this. Some kids just have to do it the hard way. That seems to be the only way they learn. I also know that there are some kids that you just can't help and it is heartbreaking to admit that. Ultimatly, all we can do is love them and pray that they make the rite decisions. You have done all that you can do and it is so hard to let them go, but sometimes that is all you can do. You will be in my thoughts and prayers for strength and peace of mind.
03-10-2010, 10:21 AM
#18
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Honolulu, HI
Posts: 329
Denise, my hear goes out to you.
I was a bit of a rebellious teen myself, and to put out what may be her view - I was confused and irritated as much with myself as the rules I was supposed to follow. Rules I ultimately did follow, but not without anger, most at myself, not my parents. As much as she's definitely testing your love for her, and as much as she wants what she wants (and wants it now), she's probably arguing with herself over what's right and what she wants.
Good luck, and know that somehow or another, things eventually work themselves out - in days, weeks, or years down the road. I wish, looking back, that I *knew* I could go back to my dad's house after I left. I didn't feel the love when I left, I felt pressured to leave. Make sure she *knows* you're leaving the door open for her, if that's what you're doing.
You're in my thoughts.
I was a bit of a rebellious teen myself, and to put out what may be her view - I was confused and irritated as much with myself as the rules I was supposed to follow. Rules I ultimately did follow, but not without anger, most at myself, not my parents. As much as she's definitely testing your love for her, and as much as she wants what she wants (and wants it now), she's probably arguing with herself over what's right and what she wants.
Good luck, and know that somehow or another, things eventually work themselves out - in days, weeks, or years down the road. I wish, looking back, that I *knew* I could go back to my dad's house after I left. I didn't feel the love when I left, I felt pressured to leave. Make sure she *knows* you're leaving the door open for her, if that's what you're doing.
You're in my thoughts.
03-10-2010, 10:35 AM
#19
Super Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Williamsport Pennsylvania
Posts: 3,361
I think that all teenagers are tough. But teenagers that have been trhough as much as a lot of these teens have it even rougher. She is going through a lot. I respect you and your husband's willingness and ability to take in foster children.
Has she been through counseling?
Kyia
Has she been through counseling?
Kyia
03-10-2010, 10:46 AM
#20
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Delhi, Ontario
Posts: 376
She has been offered counselling numerous times, but refuses to go, or shuts down totally in the office. She will have to face her issues some day, but right now its whatever she can do to avoid.
As of right now she has gotten what she wants and is living with the boyfriend.....it would have ended up this way, she was refusing to come home, at curfew I would have had to call the police, and file a missing persons report, told them where she was and they would have gone there banging on the door. They would have denied that she was there and the police would let it go because of her age. If they did find her there they would have just brought her back home kicking and screaming, where she would promptly just up and leave and go back there again....endless cycle. I don't like that she is there, and I don't condone it, but at least she is not on the street. She will learn the hard way when the boyfriend and or his family have had enough of her and kick her out.
As of right now she has gotten what she wants and is living with the boyfriend.....it would have ended up this way, she was refusing to come home, at curfew I would have had to call the police, and file a missing persons report, told them where she was and they would have gone there banging on the door. They would have denied that she was there and the police would let it go because of her age. If they did find her there they would have just brought her back home kicking and screaming, where she would promptly just up and leave and go back there again....endless cycle. I don't like that she is there, and I don't condone it, but at least she is not on the street. She will learn the hard way when the boyfriend and or his family have had enough of her and kick her out.
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