Men
12-22-2010, 07:45 PM
#41
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Mead, WA
Posts: 598
So true. Men have no idea how we feel unless we tell them.
He meant well; kindly tell him you would have done it. However, let him know you love him and you were a little hurt by his jesture.
My hubby and I have just celebrated our 35th anniversary and the one thing we can agree on is communication!!!!!
He meant well; kindly tell him you would have done it. However, let him know you love him and you were a little hurt by his jesture.
My hubby and I have just celebrated our 35th anniversary and the one thing we can agree on is communication!!!!!
12-22-2010, 08:02 PM
#43
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 830
Obviously being married 32 years, his intentions were NOT to hurt your feelings but in all honesty (even if it sounds petty) my feelings would have been hurt too. However, I did consider the possibility that maybe he didn't "ask" this lady for help maybe she insisted her help upon him so it may not have completely been his fault. Thats what I would find out (without nagging, of course *wink* and I would let him know just how it made me feel. If he had asked her for help, then he'll know not to do it again, (and if he did I say all bets are off -- buy the wood and the beer for the friend and have him build your new cabinets :) If she insisted helping him then atleast next time he can give you the heads up, and you'll be expecting her "help" Thats just my 2 cents from a wife's point of view.
12-22-2010, 08:04 PM
#44
Super Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: S. W. Indiana
Posts: 7,484
Originally Posted by leatheflea
My dh and I worked together for 5 years at the same company. i recently was let go, he still works there. they are having a pitchin at work. He had his friends wife make him things to take to work. I'm so hurt. He could have at least hid it from me.
12-22-2010, 08:35 PM
#45
Banned
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Bikini Bottom
Posts: 5,652
Heck I am a guy and cant figure the reasoning behind that one. Well actually I have an idea as to why but I am not going there.
Just punch him in the face and feed him uncooked frozen dinners for the next month and he will get the idea! :twisted:
Billy
Just punch him in the face and feed him uncooked frozen dinners for the next month and he will get the idea! :twisted:
Billy
12-22-2010, 10:19 PM
#46
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 87
You go girl. If that would make you happy. (on the cabinets) Don't just suffer in silence, but let him know that it did hurt your feelings and why. He may be dense -- but he can't read your mind.
you see it just doesnt matter, no excuse is gonna change it, its just an excuse. I'll get over it, we always do. Live and learn. LOL .....eating at me! His buddy that I cook for is a cabinet maker and has offered to make my stash cabinets, this upset dh just at the thought. Maybe I should hire him he said he would do it for a case of beer and the cost of the wood.
Originally Posted by leatheflea
Originally Posted by theoldgraymare
Don't let it keep eating at you. That will just make it worse. Ask him.
12-22-2010, 10:27 PM
#47
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 87
WOW!!! You sound like a therapist!!
Originally Posted by The Creative Seamstress
I've got to be honest with you here and say that I can understand both sides of the picture here.
However, I feel there is a bigger issue that shouldn't be overlooked, which is what this issue should really be about to begin with (on both your sides).
I think the most important thing here is that you both remember how crucial and critical communication is - not only in general but particularly in marriage. Also - that it is a two way street and that both sides have to give to get it in return.
Regardless of why he kept it from you and why you know you'll get over it (without saying anything) - bottomline is that regardless of your workplace situation, he should have told you. Notwithstanding that fact, you also should also have no qualms and feel completely comfortable with asking him directly (a more than reasonable question) as to why he didn't tell you and why someone else's Wife made his contribution. (On a side note, I personally don't find that to be acceptable for the record). However, if you withhold how you feel and your thoughts on it from him, and furthermore don't get an answer as to why directly from him... than it does make you just as culpable for perpetuating the lack of communication between the both of you just as much as he is actively doing to you himself right now by not willingly addressing it.
Two individuals who are partners should be able to tell each other the good and the bad (essentially everything) no matter what. I know and realize that it's not always easy or that clear cut in many relationships, but if there's anyone on this entire Earth that two individuals should not only trust but confide in - it is their spouse (with each other).
So long as you stay silent, and suffer over it quietly, you are being both unfair to yourself and unfair to him. If he somehow has forgotten what both communication and honesty is between the two of you, than before being legitimately mad at him, you need to remind him what that is and how it feels (i.e. by calmly sitting him down and asking him why he did what he did and also telling him how it made you feel). But, we must remember to be calm and unabrasive when we do it, otherwise inevitably he will feel you are searching for a fight. It may be hard to believe, but men can be reasonable and since they are "fixers" by nature... if you tell him there's a problem, he will usually be willing to "fix" it, but by themselves they will never be cognizant of it - it has to be brought to their attention. If you really love someone, you don't want to hurt them, and in the particular case of men, they often lack the foresight and ability to analyze the big picture as to exactly how their action (or inaction) will affect their partner. However, most reasonable men (if the issue is addressed and brought to their attention) will do their best to resolve it and/or learn from the experience to never repeat that same mistake. In the end, in doing this - not only will you get the "why" of his actions, but your actions also (if done correctly) can bring you both closer together. You also will be able to unburden yourself. Regardless of what he may tell you, the real truth is better than whatever could be going through your mind right now, and closure is required so it won't fester. Most importantly, it should help avoid it from ever happening again between you in the future. If two spouses don't have honesty, communication and friendship as a foundation - than really what exactly comprises the fibers of the fabric that weaves the time spent together "till death do us part"?
And as a side comment so as to satisfy our gremlin moments as women when our man really ticks us off... just because I like to be funny (although this is more sarcastic)... you could always cook something really good to send over to that friend's Wife as a "thank you" for doing you a favor, since you were too busy to do it yourself... ;) LOL.
Oh please, please do cheer up! I'm sending you hugs and well wishes for the holidays!
However, I feel there is a bigger issue that shouldn't be overlooked, which is what this issue should really be about to begin with (on both your sides).
I think the most important thing here is that you both remember how crucial and critical communication is - not only in general but particularly in marriage. Also - that it is a two way street and that both sides have to give to get it in return.
Regardless of why he kept it from you and why you know you'll get over it (without saying anything) - bottomline is that regardless of your workplace situation, he should have told you. Notwithstanding that fact, you also should also have no qualms and feel completely comfortable with asking him directly (a more than reasonable question) as to why he didn't tell you and why someone else's Wife made his contribution. (On a side note, I personally don't find that to be acceptable for the record). However, if you withhold how you feel and your thoughts on it from him, and furthermore don't get an answer as to why directly from him... than it does make you just as culpable for perpetuating the lack of communication between the both of you just as much as he is actively doing to you himself right now by not willingly addressing it.
Two individuals who are partners should be able to tell each other the good and the bad (essentially everything) no matter what. I know and realize that it's not always easy or that clear cut in many relationships, but if there's anyone on this entire Earth that two individuals should not only trust but confide in - it is their spouse (with each other).
So long as you stay silent, and suffer over it quietly, you are being both unfair to yourself and unfair to him. If he somehow has forgotten what both communication and honesty is between the two of you, than before being legitimately mad at him, you need to remind him what that is and how it feels (i.e. by calmly sitting him down and asking him why he did what he did and also telling him how it made you feel). But, we must remember to be calm and unabrasive when we do it, otherwise inevitably he will feel you are searching for a fight. It may be hard to believe, but men can be reasonable and since they are "fixers" by nature... if you tell him there's a problem, he will usually be willing to "fix" it, but by themselves they will never be cognizant of it - it has to be brought to their attention. If you really love someone, you don't want to hurt them, and in the particular case of men, they often lack the foresight and ability to analyze the big picture as to exactly how their action (or inaction) will affect their partner. However, most reasonable men (if the issue is addressed and brought to their attention) will do their best to resolve it and/or learn from the experience to never repeat that same mistake. In the end, in doing this - not only will you get the "why" of his actions, but your actions also (if done correctly) can bring you both closer together. You also will be able to unburden yourself. Regardless of what he may tell you, the real truth is better than whatever could be going through your mind right now, and closure is required so it won't fester. Most importantly, it should help avoid it from ever happening again between you in the future. If two spouses don't have honesty, communication and friendship as a foundation - than really what exactly comprises the fibers of the fabric that weaves the time spent together "till death do us part"?
And as a side comment so as to satisfy our gremlin moments as women when our man really ticks us off... just because I like to be funny (although this is more sarcastic)... you could always cook something really good to send over to that friend's Wife as a "thank you" for doing you a favor, since you were too busy to do it yourself... ;) LOL.
Oh please, please do cheer up! I'm sending you hugs and well wishes for the holidays!
12-22-2010, 10:48 PM
#48
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Snohomish WA
Posts: 884
[quote=leatheflea] She can wash his undies too if she likes! quote]
you GO, girl!
Maybe they were afraid, since you were the one laid off, of what you might "season" your contribution with (shades of the old classic play Arsenic and Old Lace?) tee hee, just kiddin'
you GO, girl!
Maybe they were afraid, since you were the one laid off, of what you might "season" your contribution with (shades of the old classic play Arsenic and Old Lace?) tee hee, just kiddin'
12-23-2010, 07:52 AM
#49
Super Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Raleigh, MS
Posts: 1,038
I'm strongly with the others here who think you're husband likely asked a friend's wife to make the dish because he thought it would hurt your feelings to make a dish for an office that just let you go. Honestly I don't think he did anything wrong being that he did it with the best of intentions. We all have been guilty of that.
Your words may be saying you're past it and that you don't care, but I hear something totally different in your tone. You sound bitter still and you're making comments such as, "She can wash his undies for all I care" and saying she can do lots else for him so you'll have more time for yourself. It's true we have to learn to let lots go for the sake of a happy marriage, but you haven't truly let this go. I highly suggest you tell him how it hurt your feelings, but that you understand why he did it (unless you think he did it for another reason). Tell him next time you'd like to make his contribution to the office parties.
My mom once told me men's thought process was like waffles, whereas women's thoughts were like spaghetti. When you pour syrup on waffles it stays in each compartment. It doesn't flow easily from one area to the next. This is how men think. They are really best at thinking about one thing at a time. They typically aren't very good at thinking all the way through, and thinking about every angle of a situation. When you pour sauce on spaghetti it goes everywhere, all through the noodles. That's how women think. They think from the start to the end and to the right and to the left, and every other angle in between. Neither is better, just different. God blessed each gender with strong points that would compliment the other's weakness.
Talk to your husband and then truly let go. It will do you a world of good.
Your words may be saying you're past it and that you don't care, but I hear something totally different in your tone. You sound bitter still and you're making comments such as, "She can wash his undies for all I care" and saying she can do lots else for him so you'll have more time for yourself. It's true we have to learn to let lots go for the sake of a happy marriage, but you haven't truly let this go. I highly suggest you tell him how it hurt your feelings, but that you understand why he did it (unless you think he did it for another reason). Tell him next time you'd like to make his contribution to the office parties.
My mom once told me men's thought process was like waffles, whereas women's thoughts were like spaghetti. When you pour syrup on waffles it stays in each compartment. It doesn't flow easily from one area to the next. This is how men think. They are really best at thinking about one thing at a time. They typically aren't very good at thinking all the way through, and thinking about every angle of a situation. When you pour sauce on spaghetti it goes everywhere, all through the noodles. That's how women think. They think from the start to the end and to the right and to the left, and every other angle in between. Neither is better, just different. God blessed each gender with strong points that would compliment the other's weakness.
Talk to your husband and then truly let go. It will do you a world of good.
12-24-2010, 06:25 AM
#50
Super Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Grand Junction, Colorado
Posts: 2,247
I think you do need to ask him about this. You need to know his thought process. There may have been some kind of a problem he didn't want to trouble you with (real or Imagined)
My husband grew up with the attitude that men handle all the problems and don't let the "little woman" worry. It drove me crazy the first few years we were married. It took me a few years for him to "get" that we are a partnership and if he wanted a "helpless Nelly" he shouldn't have married me. It took him a while to be able to share his worries, it still isn't easy for him. I have to accept that. He once told me my independent attitude was intimidating. Part of my answer was he couldn't have traveled for work and done his job so well if he had to worry about the kids and I. He knew I could take care of things.
He's retired now and after about a year of adjusting, it's nice to have him home all the time.
By the way we have been married for almost 40 years. Not all problems go away in a week, a month, or even a year sometimes.
My husband grew up with the attitude that men handle all the problems and don't let the "little woman" worry. It drove me crazy the first few years we were married. It took me a few years for him to "get" that we are a partnership and if he wanted a "helpless Nelly" he shouldn't have married me. It took him a while to be able to share his worries, it still isn't easy for him. I have to accept that. He once told me my independent attitude was intimidating. Part of my answer was he couldn't have traveled for work and done his job so well if he had to worry about the kids and I. He knew I could take care of things.
He's retired now and after about a year of adjusting, it's nice to have him home all the time.
By the way we have been married for almost 40 years. Not all problems go away in a week, a month, or even a year sometimes.
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