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Very sick of people right now...

Very sick of people right now...

Old 04-28-2009, 11:27 AM
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mireelmar's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Chandler, AZ
Posts: 36

Everytime I go somewhere with the baby, people give me dirty looks. Most of the time they are older women, but I can understand they come from a different time where women had babies when they were older and married.
Justin and I aren't married. We plan to get married, but neither of us are ready for a ceremony. I know that sounds strange... I'm ready to be married, but I want to just go to the courthouse and get the paper signed... I'm not real big on the whole idea of a ceremony.

Anyway, the reason for my rant is this: I went to Target the other day with the baby and a friend. We were walking around, joking around and having fun. Rylynn is just learning how to sit up on her own so instead of bringing the whole carseat into the store, we put her in the cart. Well her little muscles aren't exactly strong enough to sit for long periods of time, and she hadn't had a nap yet that day so sitting was tiring for her. I look over at her and she's slumping over. She's falling asleep. This older lady walks by and TRIED TO TAKE HER OUT OF THE CART. She claimed I was being negligent and shouldn't have a baby her age in just the cart. I sluffed her off, took her out of the cart, and gave her to my friend so that I could push the cart up to the register. Personally, my goal was to tire her out so that she would take a nap, but by all means I did not mean for her to fall asleep in the cart. She was cranky, likes to shop, and eventually it will put her to sleep. It wasn't a long trip, and I was buying her some sleepers... Anyway, so the lady follows us up to the counter making comments as she's walking behind us. Saying things to her friend like "I should report her" "that poor child" "Babies shouldn't have babies" "she's not even married" things like that. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and turned to her and said "I may be young, but that doesn't mean that my daughter isn't my whole world and I don't do anything to care for her. She fell asleep, I picked her up. Babies fall asleep!" She guffawed and walked away.

We paid, left, and put her in the carseat. She was happily sucking her thumb and passed out in the carseat. My friend wanted to smoke a cigarette and I don't smoke in the car with the baby in there so I turned the air on, let the car cool off, and closed the door. Standing by the car smoking a cigarette, this freaking lady comes back and starts telling me she is going to call the cops because I am leaving my child in a hot car and that I care more about polluting my lungs than getting her home and putting her to bed. I asked her if she would rather me pollute my child's lungs and smoke in the car and she said "well I doubt you quit when you were pregnant so it wouldn't make much difference" and walked away. As we are finishing up, a cop comes through the parking lot. He stops, tells me someone reported a child in a car (it's a big thing her in AZ, kids die all the time because of stupid people leaving their kids in a car when it's 90 degrees out) and I explained to him that I have the air on, it's cool in the car and she's sleeping. It's not like she was screaming and crying because she was in there by herself. She was passed out! So the cop tells me to go home and that he didn't see anything wrong with it...

Needless to say, I'm kind of peeved about it. I know I'm only 21, but way back in the day, I would be an old maid for waiting so long to have children! I stay home with her, Justin makes enough money to support us comfortably, so what is the problem? Am I irresponsible for leaving her in the car while I smoke? If it's a short drive home, I will wait and have one when I get home. But if it's a long drive and she's not crying, I will smoke outside my car.

Please give me some advice here. I just want to know what you think and if I'm doing something wrong...

Sorry for such a long post...
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Old 04-28-2009, 11:46 AM
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Sleepy Hollow, NY
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i'm sure your not a stupid lady and you know all the health risk associated with smoking.

as a woman who lost her mother to smoking i strongly encourage you to quit now for your daughters sake.

if you love her and wish to see her get married and have children you'll stop smoking.

i watched my mother smother to death because smoking robbed her of the ability to breath.

she was to sick to come to my wedding and she didn't live long enough to see her grandchildren.

you're young but that doesn't mean your don't know what you're doing is wrong.

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Old 04-28-2009, 11:46 AM
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Location: Central California
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That's a tough one. I will be completely honest with you. I never like to see anyone smoke when they have children. Even if they smoke outside, not around the child. It is on your clothes, in your hair, on your breath, etc. The child smells it. I would do all I could to stop smoking. (but, I'm not a smoker either, so that's easy for me to say) I smell it and I can't stand it, so I imagine the baby smells it also and they are snuggled up next to you. :cry: Sorry.

But....it is none of that woman's business to go about it the way she did. She could have said something to you in a much nicer way. IF, she thought you were too young and needed advice. Like, oh you might want to pick your beautiful sleepy baby up she's falling asleep in the cart.

My sister was 17 when she had her first child and by the time she was 21 she had 3 kids. Imagine all the "help" she got from little old ladies. It used to drive her nuts. (she was married, but nobody knew that)

Don't beat yourself up over it. You sound like you are doing a good job and thinking about the comfort of your daughter first! That is what is important.

I hope I don't come across too harsh. I never had children, but I was around my sister alot and she had 5 kids. They are all grown now and doing great.
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Old 04-28-2009, 11:48 AM
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Location: NY
Posts: 5,653

I forgot how hard it is being a young mother, I was 18. She was probably one of those people who can tell everyone how to take care of their kids and doesn't have any. I have known women who were lousy mothers, the kids survived, and they give advise also.
Ignore these people or just say bite me. I smoked and had a few drinks when i was pregnant...my kids are fine. I'm now 63..my advice is don't listen. Big Hug :wink: :wink: :wink: :wink:

Try to give up the cigs now, after 20 yrs or more it gets real hard, and it does make you smell, and the worst...wrinkles
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Old 04-28-2009, 12:05 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Michigan
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My mom was 22 and unmarried when she had me, and I managed to turn out OK ;)

I waited till I was 30 to have my first, because it took me a long time to meet the right guy (and because I was SO not ready to be a mom in my early 20s!), but I have nothing but respect for young mothers. I mean, it's not as if you're taking the easy way out of this ... you had your baby and are loving her and caring for her! You could have had an abortion and not had to deal with nosy old women following you around and tut-tutting.

Btw, I do agree with the other ladies ... PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE try to stop smoking, for your beautiful little girl's sake. My mom is now 55 years old and smokes a pack a day -- has since she was 17. Neither she nor my dad have ANY desire to stop smoking, and it kills me. My mom told me once she probably wouldn't quit even if she got lung cancer, and it breaks my heart that cigarettes are more important to her than me and my sons are :(
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Old 04-28-2009, 12:49 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Chandler, AZ
Posts: 36

I am trying to quit smoking, it's just really hard. Once I had the baby and was around my mom and Justin smoking, it was really hard to not start up again. I do plan on not smoking when she is old enough to be playing outside, and that's coming up here in a few months.

But I do want to say that I know it's in my hair, but I do wash my hands before picking her up after smoking, I wear a shirt to smoke and take it off again before holding her, and I try to put a mint in my mouth or gum afterwards as well.

Thank you everyone :)
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Old 04-28-2009, 12:49 PM
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In my opinion you did the right thing. Nothing wrong was done. It is very smart for someone who smokes to smoke away from the children. Yes, they can smell it on you, and it's bad for your own health, but you are smoking away from your child so that is the right thing to do in this situation!! Many people need to realize that smoking is an addiction and is not easy for all people to quit. I smoked for a year and quit one day just because, and I had no problem, but others struggle for years. I suggest you try to quit, but know that if you struggle at it, or slip up, it is okay, you'll get their eventually. You very obviously love your daughter, and she knows it, and that is all that matters!

And on the note of marriage. Everyone must do what is right for them. It is not anyone's business how you live your life! My partner (sounds better than boyfriend) and I have been together six years. I have no desire to ever marry, but I do want to be with him the rest of my life. He doesn't want to marry either, but he has told me he would if I changed my mind. He is 33, and I am 26. He has two daughters from a previous relationship. So when we are out with them I always get comments and glaring looks because I am young and they assume the girls are mine. (the girls are 10 and 12). Although it is annoying, I could care less what they think. There are plenty of super young mothers out there that are the best parents. Married, older couples are not perfect either. It has nothing to do with age or marital status!! I has to do with your maturity, and your heart!!

I wish you all the best!!!

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Old 04-28-2009, 12:51 PM
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Hey, I'm quite sure that you are a good Mom!!! I was 21 when I had my oldest son, (he's 31 now) and I did the best I could to raise him to be a good person, just as you are doing with your little one.
My husband has always smoked, now the 2 boys also smoke. Smoking isn't allowed in my house because I have asthma, plus I make & sell baby items, and nobody wants to buy things that smell from smoke.
It's none of my business if you smoke, BUT, think of all the extra things you could buy for the little one with the money saved by not smoking???? Or save for a trip to Disney in a couple years!!!
Ignore the old bat, and me too if you like! Susie
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Old 04-28-2009, 01:09 PM
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Location: Southeast Georgia, USA
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Originally Posted by mireelmar
Please give me some advice here. I just want to know what you think and if I'm doing something wrong...

Sorry for such a long post...
i wasn't there so i'm not even going to try forming an opinion about whether or not you were doing anything wrong. i can only say that it doesn't sound to me as though you were in any way negligent.

i'm also not going to harrass you about smoking. we gassers get more than enough of that, don't we? drunks, junkies, hookers and pedophiles get more sympathy and respect. :roll:

my hope for you is that somebody in your life figures out soon that the way to help you quit (so you save money, smell better and feel better) is not to nag or criticize, but to help you with kindness, understanding and support once you make up your own mind to battle the habit.

a friend of mine invested in the shot described at this website. she says it's working for her. i plan to give it a try as soon as i've saved up. that way, i can still go even if my insurance won't cover it.


when somebody starts kvetching about your habit, pull out a donation can so they can drop in some cash to get you closer. :wink:

in the meantime, as long as you to continue taking all possible steps to keep it away from baby, as well as from friends and family who don't share the habit, it's nobody's business but your own.

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Old 04-28-2009, 01:32 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 507

Smoking is an addiction and harder to stop than heroin. That is why we try to keep kids from starting to smoke. You do your best, know the facts, and when you are ready you will find the will power to quit. I feel so bad for smokers, they basically are left to stand next to the trash in the rain if they need a smoke. I come from a family of smokers, but I have never smoked, I overeat. I am allowed to overeat wherever and whenever I want. I can even overeat while holding a baby. It is an addiction that I do my best to deal with.

You sound like a good mom, you are doing your best and as I always tell my nieces and nephews have your children when you are young. I waited, found and married the right guy and bought the three bedroom home, but you know what - I waited too long and after seven years and losing five tiny babies I gave up. Not posting this for pity - I have a great life with a wonderful husband and three adorable cats, oh and 14 nieces and nephews and nine grand nieces and nephews. I just want you to understand that you did nothing wrong, that woman was probably just having a bad day and wanted to make someone else as unhappy as she is.

So, "God Love Ya'" as my Nana would say and "You do the best you can." Take Care, Maribeth
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