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Thread: Very sick of people right now...

  1. #1
    mireelmar's Avatar
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    Everytime I go somewhere with the baby, people give me dirty looks. Most of the time they are older women, but I can understand they come from a different time where women had babies when they were older and married.
    Justin and I aren't married. We plan to get married, but neither of us are ready for a ceremony. I know that sounds strange... I'm ready to be married, but I want to just go to the courthouse and get the paper signed... I'm not real big on the whole idea of a ceremony.

    Anyway, the reason for my rant is this: I went to Target the other day with the baby and a friend. We were walking around, joking around and having fun. Rylynn is just learning how to sit up on her own so instead of bringing the whole carseat into the store, we put her in the cart. Well her little muscles aren't exactly strong enough to sit for long periods of time, and she hadn't had a nap yet that day so sitting was tiring for her. I look over at her and she's slumping over. She's falling asleep. This older lady walks by and TRIED TO TAKE HER OUT OF THE CART. She claimed I was being negligent and shouldn't have a baby her age in just the cart. I sluffed her off, took her out of the cart, and gave her to my friend so that I could push the cart up to the register. Personally, my goal was to tire her out so that she would take a nap, but by all means I did not mean for her to fall asleep in the cart. She was cranky, likes to shop, and eventually it will put her to sleep. It wasn't a long trip, and I was buying her some sleepers... Anyway, so the lady follows us up to the counter making comments as she's walking behind us. Saying things to her friend like "I should report her" "that poor child" "Babies shouldn't have babies" "she's not even married" things like that. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and turned to her and said "I may be young, but that doesn't mean that my daughter isn't my whole world and I don't do anything to care for her. She fell asleep, I picked her up. Babies fall asleep!" She guffawed and walked away.

    We paid, left, and put her in the carseat. She was happily sucking her thumb and passed out in the carseat. My friend wanted to smoke a cigarette and I don't smoke in the car with the baby in there so I turned the air on, let the car cool off, and closed the door. Standing by the car smoking a cigarette, this freaking lady comes back and starts telling me she is going to call the cops because I am leaving my child in a hot car and that I care more about polluting my lungs than getting her home and putting her to bed. I asked her if she would rather me pollute my child's lungs and smoke in the car and she said "well I doubt you quit when you were pregnant so it wouldn't make much difference" and walked away. As we are finishing up, a cop comes through the parking lot. He stops, tells me someone reported a child in a car (it's a big thing her in AZ, kids die all the time because of stupid people leaving their kids in a car when it's 90 degrees out) and I explained to him that I have the air on, it's cool in the car and she's sleeping. It's not like she was screaming and crying because she was in there by herself. She was passed out! So the cop tells me to go home and that he didn't see anything wrong with it...

    Needless to say, I'm kind of peeved about it. I know I'm only 21, but way back in the day, I would be an old maid for waiting so long to have children! I stay home with her, Justin makes enough money to support us comfortably, so what is the problem? Am I irresponsible for leaving her in the car while I smoke? If it's a short drive home, I will wait and have one when I get home. But if it's a long drive and she's not crying, I will smoke outside my car.

    Please give me some advice here. I just want to know what you think and if I'm doing something wrong...

    Sorry for such a long post...

  2. #2
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    i'm sure your not a stupid lady and you know all the health risk associated with smoking.

    as a woman who lost her mother to smoking i strongly encourage you to quit now for your daughters sake.

    if you love her and wish to see her get married and have children you'll stop smoking.

    i watched my mother smother to death because smoking robbed her of the ability to breath.

    she was to sick to come to my wedding and she didn't live long enough to see her grandchildren.

    you're young but that doesn't mean your don't know what you're doing is wrong.


  3. #3
    Junior Member mochasue's Avatar
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    That's a tough one. I will be completely honest with you. I never like to see anyone smoke when they have children. Even if they smoke outside, not around the child. It is on your clothes, in your hair, on your breath, etc. The child smells it. I would do all I could to stop smoking. (but, I'm not a smoker either, so that's easy for me to say) I smell it and I can't stand it, so I imagine the baby smells it also and they are snuggled up next to you. :cry: Sorry.

    But....it is none of that woman's business to go about it the way she did. She could have said something to you in a much nicer way. IF, she thought you were too young and needed advice. Like, oh you might want to pick your beautiful sleepy baby up she's falling asleep in the cart.

    My sister was 17 when she had her first child and by the time she was 21 she had 3 kids. Imagine all the "help" she got from little old ladies. It used to drive her nuts. (she was married, but nobody knew that)

    Don't beat yourself up over it. You sound like you are doing a good job and thinking about the comfort of your daughter first! That is what is important.

    I hope I don't come across too harsh. I never had children, but I was around my sister alot and she had 5 kids. They are all grown now and doing great.

  4. #4
    community benefactor Knot Sew's Avatar
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    I forgot how hard it is being a young mother, I was 18. She was probably one of those people who can tell everyone how to take care of their kids and doesn't have any. I have known women who were lousy mothers, the kids survived, and they give advise also.
    Ignore these people or just say bite me. I smoked and had a few drinks when i was pregnant...my kids are fine. I'm now 63..my advice is don't listen. Big Hug :wink: :wink: :wink: :wink:

    Try to give up the cigs now, after 20 yrs or more it gets real hard, and it does make you smell, and the worst...wrinkles

  5. #5
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    My mom was 22 and unmarried when she had me, and I managed to turn out OK ;)

    I waited till I was 30 to have my first, because it took me a long time to meet the right guy (and because I was SO not ready to be a mom in my early 20s!), but I have nothing but respect for young mothers. I mean, it's not as if you're taking the easy way out of this ... you had your baby and are loving her and caring for her! You could have had an abortion and not had to deal with nosy old women following you around and tut-tutting.

    Btw, I do agree with the other ladies ... PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE try to stop smoking, for your beautiful little girl's sake. My mom is now 55 years old and smokes a pack a day -- has since she was 17. Neither she nor my dad have ANY desire to stop smoking, and it kills me. My mom told me once she probably wouldn't quit even if she got lung cancer, and it breaks my heart that cigarettes are more important to her than me and my sons are :(

  6. #6
    mireelmar's Avatar
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    I am trying to quit smoking, it's just really hard. Once I had the baby and was around my mom and Justin smoking, it was really hard to not start up again. I do plan on not smoking when she is old enough to be playing outside, and that's coming up here in a few months.

    But I do want to say that I know it's in my hair, but I do wash my hands before picking her up after smoking, I wear a shirt to smoke and take it off again before holding her, and I try to put a mint in my mouth or gum afterwards as well.

    Thank you everyone :)

  7. #7
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    In my opinion you did the right thing. Nothing wrong was done. It is very smart for someone who smokes to smoke away from the children. Yes, they can smell it on you, and it's bad for your own health, but you are smoking away from your child so that is the right thing to do in this situation!! Many people need to realize that smoking is an addiction and is not easy for all people to quit. I smoked for a year and quit one day just because, and I had no problem, but others struggle for years. I suggest you try to quit, but know that if you struggle at it, or slip up, it is okay, you'll get their eventually. You very obviously love your daughter, and she knows it, and that is all that matters!

    And on the note of marriage. Everyone must do what is right for them. It is not anyone's business how you live your life! My partner (sounds better than boyfriend) and I have been together six years. I have no desire to ever marry, but I do want to be with him the rest of my life. He doesn't want to marry either, but he has told me he would if I changed my mind. He is 33, and I am 26. He has two daughters from a previous relationship. So when we are out with them I always get comments and glaring looks because I am young and they assume the girls are mine. (the girls are 10 and 12). Although it is annoying, I could care less what they think. There are plenty of super young mothers out there that are the best parents. Married, older couples are not perfect either. It has nothing to do with age or marital status!! I has to do with your maturity, and your heart!!

    I wish you all the best!!!


  8. #8
    Super Member Tink's Mom's Avatar
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    Hey, I'm quite sure that you are a good Mom!!! I was 21 when I had my oldest son, (he's 31 now) and I did the best I could to raise him to be a good person, just as you are doing with your little one.
    My husband has always smoked, now the 2 boys also smoke. Smoking isn't allowed in my house because I have asthma, plus I make & sell baby items, and nobody wants to buy things that smell from smoke.
    It's none of my business if you smoke, BUT, think of all the extra things you could buy for the little one with the money saved by not smoking???? Or save for a trip to Disney in a couple years!!!
    Ignore the old bat, and me too if you like! Susie

  9. #9
    Community Manager PatriceJ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mireelmar
    Please give me some advice here. I just want to know what you think and if I'm doing something wrong...

    Sorry for such a long post...
    i wasn't there so i'm not even going to try forming an opinion about whether or not you were doing anything wrong. i can only say that it doesn't sound to me as though you were in any way negligent.

    i'm also not going to harrass you about smoking. we gassers get more than enough of that, don't we? drunks, junkies, hookers and pedophiles get more sympathy and respect. :roll:

    my hope for you is that somebody in your life figures out soon that the way to help you quit (so you save money, smell better and feel better) is not to nag or criticize, but to help you with kindness, understanding and support once you make up your own mind to battle the habit.

    a friend of mine invested in the shot described at this website. she says it's working for her. i plan to give it a try as soon as i've saved up. that way, i can still go even if my insurance won't cover it.

    http://www.quitdoc.com/patient/price.html

    when somebody starts kvetching about your habit, pull out a donation can so they can drop in some cash to get you closer. :wink:

    in the meantime, as long as you to continue taking all possible steps to keep it away from baby, as well as from friends and family who don't share the habit, it's nobody's business but your own.


  10. #10
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    Smoking is an addiction and harder to stop than heroin. That is why we try to keep kids from starting to smoke. You do your best, know the facts, and when you are ready you will find the will power to quit. I feel so bad for smokers, they basically are left to stand next to the trash in the rain if they need a smoke. I come from a family of smokers, but I have never smoked, I overeat. I am allowed to overeat wherever and whenever I want. I can even overeat while holding a baby. It is an addiction that I do my best to deal with.

    You sound like a good mom, you are doing your best and as I always tell my nieces and nephews have your children when you are young. I waited, found and married the right guy and bought the three bedroom home, but you know what - I waited too long and after seven years and losing five tiny babies I gave up. Not posting this for pity - I have a great life with a wonderful husband and three adorable cats, oh and 14 nieces and nephews and nine grand nieces and nephews. I just want you to understand that you did nothing wrong, that woman was probably just having a bad day and wanted to make someone else as unhappy as she is.

    So, "God Love Ya'" as my Nana would say and "You do the best you can." Take Care, Maribeth

  11. #11
    Moderator littlehud's Avatar
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    My DD smokes. She does it outside and never around my DGD. DD was never married and DGD was a surprise. Never call her a mistake!!!! DD and I agree on this, she is a gift. DD had lived with my DGD dad for 7 years and when she had a baby he was not able to cope with it. She moved in with me. Dad has always paid child support and is a loving dad at this point. My daughter is a wonderful mom and puts my grand daughter ahead of everything else. DGD knows she is loved by many people and is well adjusted. Don't let any one who does not know your whole story judge you. Keep doing what you are doing and live with the knowledge you are doing what is best for your child.

  12. #12
    Power Poster BellaBoo's Avatar
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    You are young, you will make mistakes that you won't even realize until you are much older. You see a nosy know it all finding fault with what you do, but the lady has a point. Your decisions that day were not the best for the baby. Instead of being defensive stop and think why someone would bring it to your attention. :wink:

  13. #13
    Super Member Chele's Avatar
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    Politely ignore people and continue to do what is best for you and your family. Don't let the cranks bring you down. You're the mom now, so you are learning the rewarding process of raising a child and having a family. The lady probably has nothing better to do than find fault and issue accusations. Too bad for her.

  14. #14
    Sanveann's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BellaBoo
    You are young, you will make mistakes that you won't even realize until you are much older. You see a nosy know it all finding fault with what you do, but the lady has a point. Your decisions that day were not the best for the baby. Instead of being defensive stop and think why someone would bring it to your attention. :wink:
    I don't see what she did wrong in the slightest. Her kid fell asleep in the shopping cart ... not ideal, but there's not much you can do to keep a sleeping kid from slumping over. And it certainly doesn't justify this woman's efforts to TAKE her baby out of the cart!

    And personally, I think it was great that she chose to smoke outside of the (air-conditioned) car. I wish my parents had thought as much about my health when they smoked -- they never thought twice about smoking while I was in the car.

  15. #15
    Super Member Moonpi's Avatar
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    Another reason why I never had kids - I would have stopped the biddy in her tracks by screaming "She's trying to kidnap Junior!!! Help!!!" and let her deal with the consequences of her self-righteousness.

    As to the smoking, It has been years smokefree for me, and I still get cravings. It will never get easier to quit than it is now, when it hasn't become part of your self-image, and a major coping skill. But, you need to do it for yoursellf, noone else. When the time is right, it''ll happen.

  16. #16
    Power Poster MadQuilter's Avatar
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    I know I would have a few comebacks for next time (and I have a feeling like there might be a next time.)

    "Better a young unwed mother than a cranky old bitty." (Gotta keep it clean, you know.)

    When my mom was 21, I was 3 and the moral police wagged their tongues.

    Just smile, enjoy that baby, and have fun.

  17. #17
    Super Member sewjoyce's Avatar
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    I don't see that you did anything wrong -- keep up the good work :D

    And I'm not going to criticize your smoking. When you are ready to quit, you will!

  18. #18
    Moderator tlrnhi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moonpi
    Another reason why I never had kids - I would have stopped the biddy in her tracks by screaming "She's trying to kidnap Junior!!! Help!!!" and let her deal with the consequences of her self-righteousness.
    Oh, I'm right there with you Moon. If ANYONE that I did not know layed a hand on my child, I'd be screaming bloody murder!
    You don't touch another person's child without permission UNLESS that child is in eminant danger!

    I'd just ignore the woman. There are many, many people out there that think they can do a better job than others at raising children, but they themselves have no clue.
    Kids don't come with an instruction manual and from what I have read that you have posted, you are doing a great job. Ignore the ignorant biddies. OR, just politely say Thank you to them and walk away.

  19. #19
    Super Member peaceandjoy's Avatar
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    Moonpi and Madquilter have the BEST advice.

    I have to agree with the others on quitting the smoking. It is an addiction, and as such, it's going to be hard. Just remind yourself how much harder it is for a child to lose a parent, or watch them go through debilitating illness. Remind Justin, too...

    Honestly, my first reaction was that you well could have reported her for attempted kidnapping. A child who is attended, but has fallen asleep, is not in any emergent danger - which would be the only time a stranger has any right to touch them.

    And, remember that none of us are perfect. Sooner or later, we all do something that we regret - parents, too. Rather than thinking perfection is the only acceptable state, which will only drive you crazy (as it would any of us), focus on the things you do right, that you do well, and try to improve when you realize something wasn't right.

    Maybe the grumpy old lady is hyper sensitive because she never had children that she wanted. Maybe she lost somebody to cancer caused by smoking. Maybe her mother spent a lot of time sick. Maybe she just likes to be miserable. Don't let her spoil what was a nice outing with your friend and the child that you love.

  20. #20
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    Legally married or not isn't a concern, commitment and compassion matter so much more :D

    I'm proud of you for smoking outside the car. You did it right. I'm a granny now and ex smoker. I wish I could say I did the same for my kids :cry: My son does not smoke in the car when his daughter is with him, and he doesn't allow anyone to smoke in the house either. The baby's mom doesn't either. I won't lecture you for smoking, but I do hope you can quit one day.

    You're a good mom, trust your instincts, and ignore the idiots in this world!!

  21. #21
    Power Poster Rhonda's Avatar
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    My first thought was I would be screaming at her to get her hands off my child! The issue is not the smoking here it is that you handled your child as any responsible mother would. I have grandkids that have gone to sleep in the cart lots of times! It is just life when you have kids. I take a small blanket with me and lay them in the cart when they fall asleep and put my groceries around them sometimes.
    I never shopped much with mine when they were little they stayed in the car with their dad alot of the time. But when I was 23 I had 3 under the age of 3. 21 is not that young to have a child.
    The lady was way out of line in harrassing you. She is entitled to her opinion but she is not entitled to take your child out of the cart!!!
    You should have complained to the manager that she was threatening your child. I would have! A little one bobbing her head while asleep in a cart is no crime and it is not that bad for the child. I have seen mine bob their head the same way in a carseat! Yes it bothers me but sometimes you can't help it.
    As for the car you were right there you were not miles away or leaving her in the car while you went and shopped or worse!

    Hang in there! There are always people willing to tell you how to live your life!! Just ignore them! They need to clean up their own problems before they try to tell you what's wrong with you!

    You are doing a good job with your daughter from the sounds of it so use your own judgement and you will be fine!

  22. #22
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    I've found that the best way to handle pesky strangers giving advice is to not engage them in conversation or argument of any kind. Simply say "thank you for your concern" and repeat that statement every time they say something. You do not owe strange people any kind of explanation, and if they're looking for a fight, they become very frustrated if you don't fight back. Keep yourself on the high road.

  23. #23
    Power Poster amma's Avatar
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    Hon, 25+ years ago I have had women come up to me and threaten to turn me in for daring to swat my childs behind for misbehaving and slapping their hands and one actually did turn me in! Believe me, they were not hurt, but were in need of discipline when talking was not doing any good. CPS showed up about 2 hours after we got home and were not happy to have been called out on a blatant false claim. She must have followed me home to get my address :roll: I had one mother threaten to turn me in when my 3yr old threw herself on the floor of the grocery store and had one BIG whopping fit... and I layed down beside her and threw one too!! She said that I was abusing my daughter by embarrasing her in public :roll: I just told her to do what she needed to do.... Another time we were at a park and I surprised my kids with a planned food fight, (they had been talking about how fun that would be) I grabbed a handful of food and started throwing it... she did not see they were laughing, all she heard across the park was the yelling and carrying on... the police showed up as we were cleaning it all up and they went back to tell her there were laws against making false claims :roll: Even now with the grandkids, I have been the receiver of those "looks" when I threaten to spank their butts when we are out in public or actually do it... There are many people out there who stick their noses where they do not belong! Life is easier if you can just let it roll off of your shoulders and not let it get to you :wink: :wink: :wink:

  24. #24
    Super Member pittsburgpam's Avatar
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    I haven't read all the replies yet but I was also a young mother. Though I was married at 18 I had 3 children by the age of 23. My first thought about some stranger trying to pick up my child out of a shopping cart is "you dare!?!?" She would have got the sharp side of my tongue for presuming to touch my child let alone to lecture me.

    How can anyone think that 21 is too young AND to assume that you aren't married???

    Just carry yourself with dignity and assurance and don't let them get to you.

  25. #25
    Super Member Barb M's Avatar
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    I do understand what you mean hon. I was a mom at 19, yes i was married, but now a days, being married or not should not be a stigma. But i do know what you mean. I was forever feeling that i had to prove to all the older moms that i was just as good a mom as them. I always felt i had to try twice as hard to prove i was a good mom, and i did put twice as much into my kids as they did. The fact that you are concerned about this tells me one thing, that you are a very good and caring mom, and that you too will prob put twice as much into your little baby than some of those old bitties put into their kids. Give yourself a thumbs up, and don't worry about it. In the end, you know that you're a good mom. Many people smoke, so i wont say anything about that, other than you did it the right way, your turned the A/C on, and your baby was safe and comfortable (((hugs)))

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