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Thread: When a person is "self-quilt-policing"

  1. #1
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    When a person is "self-quilt-policing"

    When a person asks something like "Is this noticeable?" -

    Why do so many people say, "no, it isn't"?

    It seems to me that if a person asks the question, it is bothering that person to some extent.


    If I have my underwear on backwards - I don't think many people would be aware of it - but I would be and it would bother ME until I changed it.


    It is true that many "mistakes" are not that noticeable to a casual observer - but if it bothers the maker and is a comparatively easy "fix" - why not encourage the fix more often?


    Just wondering - - - -

    I know we want to encourage each other - but if the person has ASKED -

    As far as that goes - if I have posted a picture of a top/flimsy - I would appreciate someone pointing out an anomaly - and ask me if that was intentional or not.

    I know we hear "we are our severest critics" - but is that a bad thing? It is considered rude for others to point out mistakes. (Although I do not consider it necessary to point out all my mistakes to everyone!)

  2. #2
    Super Member Stitchnripper's Avatar
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    I often wonder why someone will ask a question as to "should I fix this" and a lot of responses say, I can't notice anything, or it is your quilt you decide, or I would fix it. And I am always thinking the original poster already has the answer and will do it or not do it, no matter how many responses on any side of the coin are posted.
    Alyce

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    Super Member cashs_mom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stitchnripper View Post
    I often wonder why someone will ask a question as to "should I fix this" and a lot of responses say, I can't notice anything, or it is your quilt you decide, or I would fix it. And I am always thinking the original poster already has the answer and will do it or not do it, no matter how many responses on any side of the coin are posted.
    I always wonder the same thing, Alyce. I know whether something bothers me enough to fix it or not. What others say usually doesn't change my mind. I don't know if they are looking for someone to reaffirm their decision or what.

    I am one of my worst critics. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. It has driven me to excel at many things (some of which I never would have thought I could even do, much less excel at) so I don't see wanting to be really good as necessarily a negative unless it's taken to extremes.

    I feel that if someone asks, they deserve an honest answer. But it seems like others think that isn't being supportive so if I don't know and if I don't know the person asking well, I usually just refrain from answering.
    Patrice S

    Bernina Artista 180, Singer 301a, Featherweight Centennial, Rocketeer, Juki 2200 QVP Mini, White 1964 Featherweight

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    It is true that many "mistakes" are not that noticeable to a casual observer - but if it bothers the maker and is a comparatively easy "fix" - why not encourage the fix more often?
    Simple really. Not my quilt, not my problem. If it bothers YOU, deal with it. You don't need MY permission either way.

    I feel that if someone asks, they deserve an honest answer. But it seems like others think that isn't being supportive so if I don't know and if I don't know the person asking well, I usually just refrain from answering.
    And this. People can get really nasty if they don't like an honest opinion. I've seen it here and elsewhere.
    Last edited by popover; 05-24-2017 at 11:21 AM.

  5. #5
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    When I teach beginning quilting that question is often asked. My response usually is..if it is going to bother you then we can fix it and you will try to do it better next time. We will try to find the problem.

    If it does not bother you then I will help you to do better next time...Look can you see it from a galloping horse.
    I don't every remember being asked that from an advanced quilter.

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    And another thing -

    If someone says "no one will notice" -

    the original poster has just been dissed and called "a nobody"

  7. #7
    Power Poster ube quilting's Avatar
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    A few years ago I posted a picture here and every one remarked about what a nice quilt it was. Not one person bothered to tell me that there was a very noticeable mistake in it that I didn't see because the closer you are to something the less you see the details.

    I did notice it when I was looking at the responses. I did change it.

    I really want to know if there is a mistake in my work. I will also mention this to others if it has not been mentioned in the posts when I read them.

    We should be able to help each other openly with gratefulness.
    peace
    Last edited by ube quilting; 05-24-2017 at 01:08 PM.
    no act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. Aesop

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    Power Poster ube quilting's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bearisgray View Post
    And another thing -

    If someone says "no one will notice" -

    the original poster has just been dissed and called "a nobody"

    haha, yes it could be taken that way.
    no act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. Aesop

  9. #9
    Power Poster Onebyone's Avatar
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    A lot of people need confirmation for their decisions to do or not do something. I never ask for opinions when it's something I'm creating. It's all mine. When finished I don't ask for other's feedback. The few times I gave my opinion when asked the askee acted like the victim because I didn't think it was wonderful. LOL

    I enjoy the pictures of quilts that are not posted for opinions.
    Last edited by Onebyone; 05-24-2017 at 01:14 PM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by bearisgray View Post
    When a person asks something like "Is this noticeable?" -

    Why do so many people say, "no, it isn't"?

    It seems to me that if a person asks the question, it is bothering that person to some extent.


    If I have my underwear on backwards - I don't think many people would be aware of it - but I would be and it would bother ME until I changed it.


    It is true that many "mistakes" are not that noticeable to a casual observer - but if it bothers the maker and is a comparatively easy "fix" - why not encourage the fix more often?
    When people ask "Is this noticeable", I'm honest with them. I say it isn't if I feel it isn't. If your underwear is on backwards, I might not notice, either... In the quilting situation, they aren't asking if they notice, they're asking if I do.

    When we are working on a quilt, we see every stitch being formed, and look at every square inch of it in the way no other sane person will. I don't believe in encouraging people to obsess over things that won't actually matter in the long run. Now, if the flaw matters (either artistically or structurally) I will encourage them to fix it, but I think most of the time we need to forgive ourselves the small mistakes and move on.

    Mamagrande makes a good point - it's usually beginners who ask this question. I think that telling them it doesn't matter helps them "calibrate" their level of concern. You have to learn to live with some things being less perfect than you want; that's part of handicrafting.

    There are levels to self-criticism. I agree, we are our own severest critics, and that isn't necessarily bad. However, people (and especially women) can go way too far. I don't believe in helping people beat themselves up over things that, in the big picture, aren't important enough to warrant that level of concern.

    Quote Originally Posted by bearisgray View Post
    And another thing -

    If someone says "no one will notice" -

    the original poster has just been dissed and called "a nobody"
    If I say that, I mean nobody to whom it hasn't been pointed out. I feel like that's pretty common in spoken English.

  11. #11
    Super Member cashs_mom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer23 View Post
    I don't believe in encouraging people to obsess over things that won't actually matter in the long run. Now, if the flaw matters (either artistically or structurally) I will encourage them to fix it, but I think most of the time we need to forgive ourselves the small mistakes and move on.

    Mamagrande makes a good point - it's usually beginners who ask this question. I think that telling them it doesn't matter helps them "calibrate" their level of concern. You have to learn to live with some things being less perfect than you want; that's part of handicrafting.

    There are levels to self-criticism. I agree, we are our own severest critics, and that isn't necessarily bad. However, people (and especially women) can go way too far. I don't believe in helping people beat themselves up over things that, in the big picture, aren't important enough to warrant that level of concern.



    If I say that, I mean nobody to whom it hasn't been pointed out. I feel like that's pretty common in spoken English.
    I"m not sure if it's encouraging anyone to obsess over anything to be honest with them and tell them whether you think it looks okay or not. I think its being honest and encouraging people to do better in their quilting. I don't have a problem with being encouraged to do better. How else will I learn? Besides it's not really my place to tell anyone else what their level of concern with their work should be. It's their work, not mine. We all have different ideas of what is okay and what is not.

    I also think the says "No one will notice" is a bit dismissive. It's kind of like saying "It's okay. It's just yours and doesn't matter" Just the way I see it.
    Patrice S

    Bernina Artista 180, Singer 301a, Featherweight Centennial, Rocketeer, Juki 2200 QVP Mini, White 1964 Featherweight

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    The reason I might ask some one if they notice a mistake or if I should fix it is : I don't really want to fix it and I am hoping someone can convince me I don't need to fix it. It is rather stupid and I usually end up fixing it. It is more a thinking out loud question.

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    I agree with Jennifer23

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    There have been times when I wanted to say "Oh really? Was that intentional?" or even "Ewww", but my mother taught me if I can't say something nice don't say anything at all. Most of us are in the same generation and grew up with this....be polite, don't tear someone down, especially if they have done the best they could. While I may think "Ewww" , I refuse to allow my mouth to open up.

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    I have learned that if something is bothering me enough to even consider asking the opinion of someone else, then I need to fix it.

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    I don't ask. If something bothers me, I fix it. A few of my friends are always self critiquing themselves. There is no right answer to give them. It's a game. I don't like games.

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    If I asked a question, I want to know the answer. I have noticed as I have progressed along my quilt journey, I asked fewer and fewer questions. I heard on the Quilt Show once, if you asked the question, you KNOW the answer, ie, do you think this looks strange? If you have to ask, it looks strange. I have asked questions and I sincerely want to know the answer. And I sincerely appreciate people taking the time to try to help me find the answer. I consider myself lacking in color knowledge so I want opinions. I will make the final decision and live with the consequences.

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    I agree with Jennifer23.

    I also think this exchange includes a lot of judgement of other people's postings.

  19. #19
    Power Poster Onebyone's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cotton Mama View Post

    I also think this exchange includes a lot of judgement of other people's postings.
    See? Even asking for opinions about opinions get the 'no negative opinions' wanted.
    I believe giving what I can will never cause me to be in need.
    Being cheap is not a badge of honor.
    My heroes are working people, paying their own way, taking care of their children and being decent human beings.

  20. #20
    Super Member Wanabee Quiltin's Avatar
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    In my experience, few people nowadays want honesty.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer23 View Post
    When people ask "Is this noticeable", I'm honest with them. I say it isn't if I feel it isn't. If your underwear is on backwards, I might not notice, either... In the quilting situation, they aren't asking if they notice, they're asking if I do.

    When we are working on a quilt, we see every stitch being formed, and look at every square inch of it in the way no other sane person will. I don't believe in encouraging people to obsess over things that won't actually matter in the long run. Now, if the flaw matters (either artistically or structurally) I will encourage them to fix it, but I think most of the time we need to forgive ourselves the small mistakes and move on.
    This is what I was going to say, but Jennifer23 has already said it very well.

    There have been a couple of times when someone has been asking if something is noticeable, and even knowing it's there I haven't been able to find the mistake in the picture.

    I do agree with the general point that if something is going to bother someone, then they should redo it, but when people know this, they probably aren't asking about it on the forum.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Onebyone View Post
    See? Even asking for opinions about opinions get the 'no negative opinions' wanted.
    Love this! I totally agree with everything Bear said in the original post. If there is something wrong, be honest. I have a place to hang a flimsy so that I can see it straight on every time I enter the living room. If it jumps out at me, I'd better change it. Sit in front of it and enjoy it for a day or two. Can you live with it? Will you be OK with that 10 years from now? Changing things that I don't like has a calming effect on me.
    Mavita - Square dancer and One Room School Teacher

  23. #23
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    Interesting -

    My observation was limited to the "Should I change it?" threads -

    Of course, the final answer is, - "It is your quilt - do - or don't do - whatever you want."

    In the grand scheme of things, more often than not, it really does not matter - any more than if I wear one black shoe and one navy shoe to work - of similar styles - most people will not notice one way or another.

    What I thought was interesting - and I have not counted the responses in the threads to get an accurate number - is that the majority of responders seem to say "leave it, it's okay, I don't see anything wrong" and a minority encourage "fixing/changing" it.

    So - my question/observation actually is: Why are the ones that encourage "fixing/changing" in the minority?
    Last edited by bearisgray; 05-25-2017 at 05:27 AM.

  24. #24
    Super Member ArtsyOne's Avatar
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    If I post a quilt with an error I see, I want to know if others notice it. If they do, then I'll bite the bullet to fix the error. If they don't, then I say "whew!" and move on to my next project.
    A fabric stash is always missing that one fabric needed to finish the quilt on which you're working.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Onebyone View Post
    See? Even asking for opinions about opinions get the 'no negative opinions' wanted.
    Apparently I did not express myself well. I was merely observing that we seem to be offering conjecture as to what other people are thinking and their motivation as to why they post what they do.

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