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Thread: BF wants to get married but I want to run...need advice

  1. #1
    Super Member Butterfli19's Avatar
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    You see I have this friend... :roll:

    Why would a 51 year old lady, who is generally emotionally mature, confident, content, and happy with her life, terrified (yes, terrified) of getting married a second time? And, is that necessarily a bad thing?

  2. #2
    Super Member quiltwoman's Avatar
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    Hmmm, your "friend" perhaps is not ready to get married? Why the rush?

    Not knowing what happend the first time, there may be many reasons to feel the way your friend does.

  3. #3
    Moderator tlrnhi's Avatar
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    I agree with quiltwoman......

  4. #4
    Super Member beachlady's Avatar
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    I have been widowed for 22 years, engaged for 12 years and do not care to get married again. Know how your "friend" feels. I am commited to him, but do not feel the need to get married. Of course he feels differently - he gets on his knee at least once a year and asks me to get married, Now maybe if he had given me a diamond each time, I might change my mind..........LOL. By the way, I am 63. My first marriage was wonderful - was married 19 years when DH died, so that has nothing to do with it - just do not want to get married again!!

  5. #5
    Super Member Butterfli19's Avatar
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    Definitely not ready to get married or have him move in. It has nothing to do with first marriage, more about losing my independence, fear of change, sharing my home with him.

    He's OK with not getting married (so he says) but eventually would like to live together. The thought of that brings on a panic attack.

    Is this normal? Sure is different now than it was at 20...

  6. #6
    Super Member tslowery's Avatar
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    Living with anyone period is a pretty much a job in its self. We are all different people and it is a matter of do you want to have to always consider another persons wishes before you persue your wishes. They will always be different and at different times. It is a big give and take situation. I was single for 20 years after my first failed marriage. I told my now husband of 12 yrs I was not good wife material because I never wanted to be made to feel like I had to are was supposed to do something just because it was a required part of marriage. I finally gave in and got married and it has been a good marriage but it all finally comes down to putting someone elses feelings into every decision you make from that day forward. Just my thoughts not everyones I'm sure. If your happy why fix what isnt broke?

  7. #7
    Power Poster sandpat's Avatar
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    In a few weeks, we will be celebrating 25 yrs. and every minute has been wonderful! I have been extremely lucky in love and marriage with my guy. Having said that...if something happened to him tomorrow...I'll NEVER get remarried. I say be true to yourself and do what feels right for yourself.

  8. #8
    community benefactor Knot Sew's Avatar
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    I am also 63...I left in 88 to take care of my Mother who had a stroke, it was a place to escape to. I finally got my divorce in 96....and never looked back...I have no urge to remarry. This is the first time in my life I am in charge of everything, and don't want to give that up. I could use more income, but like my life :D :D :D

  9. #9
    Super Member Moonpi's Avatar
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    Matt and I have been together 6 years. We live 50 miles apart. Even if we were next door, we still would be happier having or own spaces. Love him to death, but both of us have hobbies requiring lots of space, and our pets would need constant supervision.

  10. #10
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    If you're happy with your life as it is, why change it? As far as the living together, I guess it's all in how you were brought up, like if you were living together and not married, it's a "sin". I don't feel that way. My husband and I have been together 22 years but only married 9 years. The only reason for that, was that if something happened to him without marriage, all his retirement money and benefits would have gone back to his employer. This may be something you want to discuss, maybe after living together. That way if it doesn't work out, you just split up, you don't have to get a divorce. If something happened to my husband, I have NO plans on getting married again. My two cents worth.

  11. #11
    Power Poster BellaBoo's Avatar
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    If she didn't jump for joy at the very thought of marrying this person then I say don't. If she needs security and companionship then I say yes.

  12. #12
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    Nothing wrong with that! If I would ever find myself single again I'd never get married a 2nd time. I've already had the kids and I'm a big girl who can take care of myself. It's like a new baby. You hold it, love it, play with it, but are relieved to give it back to it's mother when you're done. :lol:

  13. #13
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    i'm very happy with my marriage of 18 years but if something happened i highly doubt i would ever get married again or even live with someone.

    more than likely if he wanted to take it to the next level - i might consider letting him buy the house next door but thats about as close to living together as it would get.



  14. #14
    Super Member Shemjo's Avatar
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    I married young and left after 10 years, 35 years ago. No children. Not interested in having anyone else in MY space at this stage of my life! My critters give me plenty of attention, and I don't ever want to have to ask permission to spent money on whatever.
    Guess I just haven't met anyone who geve me cause to shange my mind!
    But I am a female, and I CAN change it if the occasion were to arise. :lol:

  15. #15
    Super Member quiltnut4ever's Avatar
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    After 23 yrs of marriage I was divorced in jan. of this year. I myself don't want to remarry again because I do not ever want to go through the hurt and emotions this has brought me. If I were ever to meet someone it would be like this (in ghetto terms): HE IN HIS CRIB AND ME IN MINE! Somehow that works better than being in each other's space. Besides I'm not giving up my sewing room :lol: :lol: :lol: Do what makes you happy not what everyone thinks u SHOULD do. :)

  16. #16
    Super Member Harmony's Avatar
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    I'm going on 34 years of marriage. We have 2 grown daughters and I still adore him, but if something happened to him I doubt if I'd ever get married again. It would be nice to have only myself to take care of (and clean up after!) The difference between now and when you were 20 is that now you know you can take care of yourself, and frankly, your relationship is probably better with a little space between you. Contrary to the opinion of many 20-year-olds, marriage is definitely NOT like one big long date!

  17. #17
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    I'm happy in my 35-year marriage, but if I were to find myself alone, alone is how I'd live out my remaining years. Most of my older friends who re-married wound up having to take care of the spouse instead of enjoying life. I also don't intend to have to worry about my kids and grandkids maybe not getting all my estate as intended, and we found with a great-aunt who re-married at 74 that pre-nups aren't entirely effective.

    A companion would be nice, but so is solitude by choice, freedom from legal hassles, and financial independence. Even a happy marriage takes a lot of energy, and I just wouldn't want to spend that much again. Too much to do for myself, friends and family without being weighted down!

  18. #18
    Community Manager PatriceJ's Avatar
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    i think the question answers itself. :wink:

    you won't be doing either him or yourself any favors if you talk yourself into it and drag yourself down the aisle.

    if your gut reaction to the imagined proposal sounds anything like "i'm not sure", then the answer must be "no". ok. add: "i adore you. it tickles me pink that you feel that way. but ..."


  19. #19
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    Like many others have said,

    If you have doubts, then DON'T.

  20. #20
    Power Poster Ninnie's Avatar
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    You should always listen to your gut! If it says RUN then run.

  21. #21
    Super Member Chele's Avatar
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    Track shoes and new socks! LOL!

  22. #22
    Senior Member Dorothy of Kansas's Avatar
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    I lost my husband of 24 years last November and I'm now at the point that I don't want to share my space with anyone. I sleep in the middle of the bed, eat crackers (lol) and no one complains. I like being able to spend my money without checking with anyone else. I can stay up and sew to the wee hours and not feel bad because he went to bed without me, etc. I do miss the companionship, but not the disagreements. Don't get me wrong, I loved him to death, but...I can have a companion without being in the same house with him. Hope this makes some sense. I don't have anyone in my life right now...not ready yet, but I do hope to have someone in the future...preferably far enough away, that they won't just "drop" over all the time...like quilting too much to feel guilty!! :lol: :lol:

  23. #23
    Super Member Mplsgirl's Avatar
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    I got married again (for the 4th time) Ladies don't diss me! We have been married for 19 years and I wouldn't trade him for the world! We waited 7 years to combine our financial accts and he is my hero and best friend. Follow your gut - you are asking good questions, and if you're asking the questions - wait.

  24. #24
    Super Member SaraSewing's Avatar
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    One of my biggest regrets is not RUNNING fast, in the opposite direction with my first marriage. I was too scared to back out, and had no support to do it. I've enabled myself to do that now, and my children also. Unless you are absolutely POSITIVE, don't do it. My wonderful husband now was certainly worth waiting for. When in doubt, don't!

  25. #25
    Super Member Blue Bell's Avatar
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    I am one happy and lucky lady. Today we celebrated 50 years of marriage.

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