Constance

Aren't grandmas the greatest gift of all?? Mine was 100% Italian and came through Ellis Island, the gifts of her wisdom have carried me my whole life. She taught me to walk again, she gave me spirit, and spunk and showed me that I would prevail regardless of illness or anything else. For that and thousands of other things, she also said a very similar thing to what your grandmother said that you relate here, never ever go to bed with that anger, but I love the pharasing "they are too heavy to hold and TOO TOO toxic to keep, the next day is always better." Beautiful and SMART. THANK YOU FOR THIS.
Connie

Constance

WOW this is another great one, these are so good, young people, or ANY one contemplating marriage should take a cue from this resource BEFORE they get married, these are absolutely great.
THANK YOU.
Connie

Constance

AMEN to this too, I lost my way for a long time, then I found it again, and ever since things have gone so much better, and I know this to be true. I was raised with God in my life, and as I grew older and I thought smarter, I strayed further and further away, I'm no goodie goodie, because no one is without sin either way, but I have come full circle, now at age 63 I'm a lot happier and a lot more blessed then I ever was before. Marriage number 3 I thought what on earth am I doing? There has been some rough patches, a divorce, a death, and now number 3, but it's coming along, now with year 8 approaching. We have had the usual his kids, my kids dilemma, and the arguments over kids' behavior, especially GROWN should know a ton better arguments, and then we have to stop and say, HEY we did the best we knew how at the time, and STOP, it's their turn to be responsible and to take the lessons we taught them, and neither of us have to put up with each other's kids abusive behavior. That settled it right there. I'm grateful for that, because we made a deal, that WE are not US as in all our kids and us, we are just plain US, a team of two now. They are on their own. We like this better, and WE are now a smoother team. I am not at all sure this made any sense....but I hope that people stand firm and united whether it's their kids together or a combined blended family, all these kids need to see that you are TOGETHER and cannot be swayed to adopt the opinions of ANY of the kids. For awhile we had a real combat thing going, where one of the kids was doing her very best to put a wedge between us, it worked for awhile too, then it hit both of us, HOLD IT, this kid is NOT our keeper. Love does NOT mean accepting one's child's abuse or intrusiveness, otherwise why be married at all? Keep your faith about you, it will always see you through, and talk about problems if your kids are still at home, behind A CLOSED DOOR, not in front of the kids, they USE it later as ammunition I swear!! This comes from years and years in the combat zone of raising his, mine, ours etc.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Connie

2wheelwoman

Marry someone you respect. Marry someone you like as well as love. Marry someone you can trust to be there for you. Keep mistletoe hung all year long (we do). We're almost at year 28 and wouldn't change a thing. We made sure we valued the same things and were both committed before we took the plunge. And, especially, never let the laughter end.

bstanbro

"Divorce" is out of the question. It never comes up in any discussion. There is always a solution short of that. That said, some things cannot be tolerated: any form of abuse, serial lying, serial infidelity (which is the same as serial lying), unrepentent addiction of any kind. Beyond that, two reasonable people can find a way to face anything. My husband and I are married 34 years, and there were many years I didn't think we'd make it. But we got through the roughest times, and there was a great reward on the otherside. There is nothing so valuable as a long shared history with another person.

omak

James Dobson has written that the best gift you can give your children is to love their father (or mother, as the case may be).
I never think of my parents as being romantic, though I do remember lots of hugs and kisses and just holding each other in a very proper way ...
Then, my mom started telling me things about my dad and her during their courtship ... things like:
You dad would go hunting and one night I showed him Orion in the skies. I told him: Whenever you see Orion's belt, with those three stars, think: I love you, because you know I will be looking at him also, knowing you are out there, away from me (he would go for a week at time - - a REAL man's man <g>) and speaking "I love you" ... so when you see the belt, just know that the stars are saying "I love you" ...
The day they were married, after the justice of the peace pronounced them man and wife, Dad turned to Mom and said: "Hello, Pardner" ...
think about it! And, she was ... ! and, Dad was a good provider and pardner - - they were really good for each other (though, I would have raised him differently! LOL) Thank God I lived long enough to see how unique they were and their marriage was.

Yes, there are marriages where one is an abuser ... but, for the victim - - think about it ... the signals were there, we were just too busy thinking we were invincible to pay attention to the reality of the personality presented to us. We made excuses for things that bugged us or warned us and denied the red flags .. we probably even knew we shouldn't be dealing with the people we decided to marry before we ever got close to the proposal.
But, this is supposed to be a thread about marriage tips ...
I remember reading (hold on to your hats, cuz you ain't going to believe this one!) a COSMOPOLITAN the first year I was married the first time ....
They had a 10 Commandments for Married Women that I copied somewhere and don't know where, but I remembered this commandment - -
Thou shalt not expect thy husband to provide for you in a year all the things your father took twenty years providing for you.

LindaM

When our little ones were little, we had planned 'date nights' - didn't matter what we did, but it was time for just the two of us. It's not so hectic now, but we still work at taking time to connect.

Rhonda

My son found out his wife of 9 yrs at the time had been unfaithful to him for about 2 yrs. My son is on the road alot and not home but on weekends most of the time. So things happened. They had some tough times and he wanted to leave her behind. He walked out the door and started to drive away. But he decided he wanted to fight for his familly and he was not letting her tear their family apart(4 kids) so he went back and they sat down and talked it out. They are still together 2 yrs later. Their marrage is stronger because he was able to forgive and needed to account for her needs as well. They still don't communicate as well as they could but they are working at it.

Things are going to happen to test your committment. whether that is outside forces or mistakes one of you make. Bad choices can cause alot of strife. But you have to make up your mind that your marriage is worth working on. You chose that person and with that comes committment and responsibility. Through all the bad and all the good you have to think of the other one's needs too not just your own.

I am so proud of my son for having the courage to forgive his wife and for repairing the damage to their family.

So one thing I try to do when I am so upset with my DH is to go and list all the things he does that are caring even tho I feel at the time he doesn't care about my feelings but he really does just not in the way I want.

My DH always checks to see if I want something before he eats the last of it. He is quick to make me lunch or make supper if I don't feel like it. He does go out of his way to make me feel better when I am upset but when we have an argument and he hurts my feelings then I have to sit down and say ok. But he is a good man!

omak

I keep coming back because the thread has made me more aware of what goes on between myself and hubby and remembering things from other successful marriages, though we do not always know the things that make a marriage successful ...

One of the things we do each time we meet is say "Hello" and deliver a kiss and hug ... every morning when each of us gets up, as he heads off to work, or I head out to a meeting, before we are about to be apart ... goodbye, kiss, hug, don't get lost, be safe ... every morning, good morning, smile, kiss, hug ... coffee <g>
and, if one of us is gone, when we get back home, we expect and look for the other person ... sometimes, he will be working on something and can't leave to come to me, but then it is my job to go find him and tell him I am home ... it is such a little thing ...
now that it is winter, we get static, and the sparks really fly sometimes! <g> And, he is an electrician, so I really get a charge out of life! LOL
anyway, as Hubby is leaving for work, I stand up to kiss him goodbye, and he reaches out one of his fingers to touch me before we kiss .... those static things really smart on the lips, you know <g> and, by golly, he has figured out how to make sure that we don't get shocked! LOL isn't that cute?
and, thoughtful <g>

Maribeth

My DH does that too, it seems like such a little thing (but, for me, it shows that I always in his thoughts), but then again it is the little things that can cause so much tension.