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Thread: When do you quit giving gifts to "kids"

  1. #51
    Super Member karate lady's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by joyce j View Post
    I have been giving to my grand kids for every thing . Weddings, babies , Christmas. an never a thank you , except from the 2 oldest. I have decided that next year they get nothing from me. I dont even get a Christmas card from any of them .Except like I said ,the 2 oldest. I have 9 grand and 5 going on 6 great grand. So this is my thoughts on the deal.
    I have 11 grand kids, and 12 great grands. (#13 due in spring) I am on social security, so quite a while ago I had to let family know I would not be buying gifts as I just could not afford it. Most of them do not mind and the others I never hear from any way. I have made fleece blankets for a lot of them and am now making quilts. At my age I probably won't get enough for everyone, but no one seems upset about it. Sometimes you just have to stop buying things and find other ways to show your love. Seems to work in my family. (I had 5 of my own, raised 2 others)

  2. #52
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    for those that has not sent a TY The next holiday that comes up and they are expecting a gift I would send them a card and inform them that a donation was given to SA/Church/Heart/Cancer/St.Judes instead of sending them a gift. it would be a good lesson to them if you send email or texts them. that way you would not have to buy cards or stamps.

  3. #53
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    If they didn't care to acknowledge the gift, I wouldn't care enough to give it! I never know if my DGD gets or likes the gifts I send her, but she's only 4. When she gets old enough to write and/or call, we will see how the gift giving goes!

  4. #54
    Super Member sew_Tracy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeAnne-Mn. View Post
    Don't know all the story, don't need to. I just try to remember that those who are the least loveable are usually the one's who need loving the most. I didn't say it was easy to do, sometimes it seems impossible. Merry Christmas to All.
    Thanks for that...guilt sets in. Merry Christmas to you too.
    From the artist formerly known as Missus Fear...Hi, my name is Tracy and I am a hobbyaholic.
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  5. #55
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    I gave a very time-consuming baby quilt to my niece's grand-daughter (my great niece??)...never got a reply or a thank you FROM EITHER THE MOTHER OR THE NIECE....so guess who WON'T get another gift with all that time invested in it? In fact, I never even heard if the quilt got there....so, ! I mean, how long does it take to email a quick thank-you?
    If you feel like you're special...it's 'cause you are!
    Momto5

  6. #56
    Super Member jeanharville's Avatar
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    We stop giving to the grandkids at 18 or when they finish high school, whichever comes first. I do have one son whose kids never write a thank you note, text, fb, e-mail or anything. I told them at Thanksgiving, that I wanted the GD to acknowlege her gift in some way. We'll see if it happens. She's 14, plenty old enough to do that. But she's a very demanding child with them and they let her get by with that too.I wish I had thought about including thankyou notes in her Christmas gift this year. But her birthday is in March, so maybe then.
    jean

  7. #57
    Senior Member w7sue's Avatar
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    My niece and nephew very seldom sent thank you notes and for birthday's, I usually had to BEG them to cash the checks so they would clear my account - the check I sent my nephew in July for his birthday is still uncashed - several messages sent via FB - he won't be getting a Christmas check! He is in college and should know better.

    My niece has said some incredibly ugly things this year so her family won't be receiving any gifts - my heart just isn't in it ... she said on FB that "some people" (meaning me) made it all about them ... this is the same child who had new clothes for school and even food on the table because of me when she was growing up - her mom (my sister) was a single mom and always struggled financially. As an adult, she has never acknowledged any contributions made by family to support them and it has hurt me a lot. I know I shouldn't let it bother me and it's not that she doesn't or hasn't said thanks, but she could at least be nice ... we have so little family left we should be nicer to each other.

  8. #58
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    Since my parents passed away many years ago, I feel some sense of responsibility to step in for my mother. I send something, usually a card with a nominal amount of money to my nieces and nephews; all ages 19-21, for accomplishments in their lives. I always receive a Thank You card from my brother's children, who have maternal grandparents. I receive nothing from my sister's children, who have no living grandparents.
    We stopped giving gifts to our children for bdays and Christmas just a few years ago. After paying the occasional utility bills, rent, gas money, car insurance; not only did it become too much of a routine, it became a financial burden for us. Economic times have been hard these last few years for DH and I. So gifts to our adult children and their wives stopped. It was hard to say that we would no longer help them out financially. We said we wouldn't help them when they married, however, when there are grandchildren involved, our perception and plan of action changed. We do not pay anything to help out with their living expenses but we do buy school clothes/summer and winter clothes for all of our grandchildren. I also make some of their clothes and each one of them has a quilt to keep them warm.
    Although none of our dil's sew or quilt, our grandchildren are aware that what I make for them is time consuming. They appreciate hand made gifts and always tell me how much it means to them to have something made just for them. We always receive gift acknowledgement from our oldest son's children and step children; even for a weekend visit away from home where no gifts are exchanged. These days, I rarely receive a Thank You card from them but I always receive a gracious and appreciative phone call; in fact, I'm happier knowing that they didn't spend their money on a $5 card plus postage with some machine printed sentiment. I'd rather our son spend the card and postage money on the kids or themselves. Our other sons know right from wrong but choose to not acknowledge or seem to appreciate what we do for them; one son chooses to focus on what he's not getting from us. Too bad for them that they get nothing from us or I'd give them a lump of coal; but we do what we can to see that their children have what they truly NEED.

  9. #59
    Super Member noveltyjunkie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hopetoquilt View Post
    . One of my biggest pet peeves is when one person gets angry at another because he/she did not live up to an unsaid expectation.
    What she said!! We do it to ourselves by refusing to communicate and choosing instead to be angry and resentful.

  10. #60
    Junior Member DeAnne-Mn.'s Avatar
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    Well said by both of you. Life is too short to waste it on anger or hurt feelings. I had to learn that the hard way from both sides of the equation.
    DeAnne

  11. #61
    Super Member coopah's Avatar
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    No thank you, no gift the next year. Period. End of discussion. EXCEPT for my son and his wife. I still do for them without a written thank you, but they sure better at least SAY thanks. (I don't want to be the mean, nasty MIL, so continue to do for them when I shouldn't. I know...I know.)
    "A woman is like a tea bag-you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water." Eleanor Roosevelt

  12. #62
    Super Member coopah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by quiltingnana1 View Post
    an

    I love this! We, too, give until age 18. If the recipient is really thankful, we might go to 21. But, I really like the idea of the the thank you notes. While growing up, our kids always found a package of thank you notes in their stockings. They weren't allowed to cash a check or wear a gift until the note was written. :-)
    I did the same thing with writing thank yous. I also gave thank yous (personalized, special ordered, nice cardstock) with stamps on them!! Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
    "A woman is like a tea bag-you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water." Eleanor Roosevelt

  13. #63
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    Warn them at age 17 that thank yous in some form (electronic, even) are required to continue beyond age 18. You can say it in a nice, humorous way and still show you mean it.

  14. #64
    Senior Member quiltmau's Avatar
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    I used to give because it was expected-then I gave because I didn't want them mad at me-then I grew up(at a late age) and said the hell with it and only gave if I found something someone would like or appreciate! Now I donate the gift money locally to help those that really need it and I only gift something if I know the receiver will like. No special occasion as I forget birthdays and anniversaries-just because I am thinking of them and I want to. That to me is the only way to gift-with your heart and mind and not because it is expected!!

  15. #65
    Super Member May in Jersey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ptquilts View Post
    18. Although if I received no TY notes for several years, their next gift would be a box of TY notes.
    Love the idea of TY notes as their next gift.

  16. #66
    Super Member May in Jersey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissSongbird View Post
    It's hard for me to really answer this being that I'm 20, but my aunts still give me gifts. Well, only one of my aunts gives me a Christmas present and sent birthday cards religiously. My other aunts will get me something if they see something I like or the "fits" me. I'm very appreciative of the gifts I recieve because for some of my family it's hard going. So when they give me something I'm very grateful. Also I love to know that they think of me in these times. I'm very thankful for my family.
    Glad to see there is one gal who it thankful that her family thinks of her. May in Jersey

  17. #67
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    ok, so maybe I'm not the normal but I dont' feel obligated to give gifts to anyone. I love to give them to my two youngest grandkids who I see every week and I'm very close to. I have more grandkids but due to the way my sons are I quit giving gifts a long time ago. I used to buy gifts every yr and then was expected to deliver them even though I only live about 15 min from them. I never got a thank you or heard from them the rest of the yr unless it was a birthday party that I would be invited to. Even then they'd schedule it on Sunday and ask if I could come even though I have worked Sundays for over 11 yrs so it should be well known I'm not able to come. I got tired buying and delivering gifts; I don't think grand parents should have to and then a few yrs ago when my youngest son was staying with the son with many kids his brother asked him to bring the gifts home to them. My youngest told him he'd have to come and get them; that came from him,not me. After a few yrs of having gifts left at my house because they didn't want to drive so far I quit buying them and said mess with it. My oldest son will come and see me which is the best gift in the world and he only lives down the street from the others. His kids don't even live on this coast. He'll buy me a gift when he can and I do the same. Last week I went to see him and he handed me a Christmas card with a check of $500. I refused but he said he'd gotten a really big bonus and he knew things were really tight with my ex taking off. I just cried and thanked him. This son has limited skills for carpentry, etc work around the house so he helped in the only way he could. I have two other sons who are licensed electricians and one a plumber (who lives with me) and none of them will help at all. They say they don't have time for that. Even the plumber who lives with me won't install the two gas fireplaces that I bought and can't afford a contractor to install. I found out after I bought them on CL, new that it was over 1000 to get them installed. We freeze, but he's young and can handle it. I'm limping right now because I have a back disease and the cold weather plays havak with my body. So, no, I quit feeling obligated not when the ones expecting gifts are so unappreciating of what you give them or the fact that money is tight. This yr I shortened how much I got the ones that I get for and only got for whom I really felt like I wanted to give too. I get for some that aren't family because they are near and dear to my heart and don't "expect" a gift from me but do appreciate what I give. I always try to listen to what they want and go in that direction. I want them to enjoy the gift and use it. I don't buy gifts from the "grab a gift isle" unless it something that they'd really want. I feel that isle is a slap in the face to ones you care about. I love Christmas and love what it's all about. If I could hve all of my family get along and squeeze them all into my house and cook for them; that would be the greatest. Since that won't happen I'd rather not have anyone around who can't share the Christmas spirit and let things go for at least a day; with no expectations other than to share the holiday and love. Merry Christmas to you all and be safe out there
    Judy

  18. #68
    Super Member Peckish's Avatar
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    I am 43 years old and still get gifts (Christmas and birthday money) from my grandparents. When I got married, they started sending gifts to my husband, who was incredibly touched. He says they don't have to do that and the fact that they do gives him the warm mushies. He lost all of his grandparents at an early age, so being adopted into the family as a grandson made him feel wonderful.

    A few years ago my uncle was murdered. My grandparents were thousands of miles away and couldn't make it home for the funeral. They were both devastated and very distraught that they couldn't be there. My husband did not think twice - he travels a lot in his job, so he turned in his accumulated miles and got them two plane tickets home. He felt it was the very least he could do, and felt helpless that there wasn't something more.

  19. #69
    Senior Member quiltmau's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Peckish View Post
    I am 43 years old and still get gifts (Christmas and birthday money) from my grandparents. When I got married, they started sending gifts to my husband, who was incredibly touched. He says they don't have to do that and the fact that they do gives him the warm mushies. He lost all of his grandparents at an early age, so being adopted into the family as a grandson made him feel wonderful.


    A few years ago my uncle was murdered. My grandparents were thousands of miles away and couldn't make it home for the funeral. They were both devastated and very distraught that they couldn't be there. My husband did not think twice - he travels a lot in his job, so he turned in his accumulated miles and got them two plane tickets home. He felt it was the very least he could do, and felt helpless that there wasn't something more.
    You have a very wonderful husband-he has a great heart

  20. #70
    Super Member Sheila_H's Avatar
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    I would say if they don't acknowledge your gift then it's time to stop, we have a lot of young one's in our family we give to them, then just our siblings one gift for the adults we set a limit on how much for the adults and the children get a game and some clothes but we always talk to the parents and ask what the gift should be. We also give to our local soup kitchen as well.

  21. #71
    Senior Member captlynhall's Avatar
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    I don't expect a written thank you, though that would be so very nice. But at least a call or e-mail acknowledging the gift and a thank you for thinking of me is not too much to ask. My son lives across country. Last year, I sent my son and his new wife gifts. I never heard from them until I called to be sure they were received. My son said oh yes, we got them, thanks. His wife never bothered to get on the phone and say thank you for hers. This year, I did not shop for them, but sent them $100 in their Christmas card. If I do not get a call on Christmas day with a thank you, then next year, I will just send them a Christmas card like everybody else. I basically did the same for his birthday this last year. Always sent checks and a card. Seldom ever got acknowledgement. So this year I sent a card with no money, and it was a few days late. Believe it or not, he actually called me the day after his birthday wanting to know if I was OK, because I never missed his birthday. I just told him I had been busy. That's always his excuse.
    When a dying man asked his pastor "How long does it take to die?" his pastor's heartfelt reply was "A lifetime." Live life to the fullest, but stop now and then to enjoy the sunset.
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  22. #72
    Junior Member DeAnne-Mn.'s Avatar
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    No special reason, sounds like a great reason. Merry Christmas
    DeAnne

  23. #73
    Super Member seamstome's Avatar
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    I do til 18 IF THEY ARE HERE. Then a verbal thank you is enough. IMO, no note is needed if you are face to face and I dont send them in that circumstance although it is proper to do so.

    No mailing since I wasn't getting even a phone call on Christmas.

    No great nieces or nephews. Enough is enough. These kids get tons.
    Last edited by seamstome; 12-24-2012 at 11:47 AM.

  24. #74
    Senior Member Traditional's Avatar
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    I taught my children from a young age if you don't have time to write a thank you note you don't have time to spend the money from Grandparents.

  25. #75
    Senior Member laynak's Avatar
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    I don't have kids of my own but generally get Christmas gifts for nieces & nephews, but lucky to receive a Christmas card from the 'boys' much less a thank you card in return. Nieces are more likely to respond.
    Stepkids (who are in mid-late 40's) have never bought their dad a gift since I've known them. But, they certainly count on gifts for annual occasions from their father, who remains way-too-nice.
    What we afford are gifts of thought for nieces & nephews, not expensive but to let them know we think of them though they live far away. However, the stepkids receive generously but don't reciprocate in any form.
    I heard somewhere that at some point, you give a gift to a charity and do it in honor of the 'recipient' you're acknowledging. Charities send thank you letters and gifts are put to good use. I need to remember to do this next year. As for stepkids, it's not my call, but it makes me angry they don't give something thoughtful to their dad for his birthday, Christmas or Father's Day!

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