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Thread: BF / marry relationship going sour fast - I must have User Apply Here stamp somewhere

  1. #1
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    Remember the BF/marry post? Well...

    He was very into it in the beginning, called all the time, always had something to say, brought flowers and cards, you get it. The last couple weeks he hasn't called during the week so I stopped calling him to see if he would call me. I asked him and he says phone line goes both ways, my life is busier than his, he's giving me space. Fine.

    Conversation a few days ago:
    me: I don't want to get married and don't want to live together.
    him: that's fine, as long as we're together it's OK.
    me: but then you're settling. you said you wanted to at least live together.
    him: well, we will probably have to in the future because neither one of us will be able to afford to live alone on soc sec (what? does he think I'm going to live in a box under a bridge? do you see the same bright red flags here?)
    me: if you can't afford your life when you retire it's the result of either bad luck or poor planning - not a reason to live together. (he currently rents a room in a huge house owned by a childhood friend and her new husband. cheap rent.)

    (Remember we work together - I see him every day and we have barely talked for 2 weeks. I have been swamped at work and haven't made the effort either, but he sure found time when he was courting me. Now it feels like he's just lazy, want's me to do all the relationship work.)

    So Mem Day weekend I didn't see him at all (my choice) and I didn't really miss him. Yesterday he texts me, after not talking since last weekend when we did get together - any plans for the weekend? Do they include me? (Your kidding, right?) This morning I get a text - morning babe, call me, love ya.

    I'm thinking my text msg to him is: No thanks, not interested in being a __, time to move on.

    Too mean? I really want to text two capital letters from opposite ends of the alphabet but the part of me that's too nice won't allow it.

    What would you text back? Or would you even bother?

  2. #2
    Power Poster Ninnie's Avatar
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    Ok here goes!!

    It's time to call it quits, and make a clean break!!!

    Don't know how old he is, but if he is renting just a room. no wonder he wants to live with you!!


    RED flags are going off everywhere, and I say that You are too good to be used!!!

    Make a clean break and cut him out of your life completely, then you are open for the right man to come along! :D

    Life is too short to waste it on a relationship that isn't going anywhere, and if he was the one for you, you would have jumped at marriage, but you know in your heart that he is all wrong!

    Good luck, and look around you, that right jperson could be right under your nose! :wink:



    Ninnie

  3. #3
    Super Member ScubaK's Avatar
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    I think you answered your own question...
    Do what "feels" right for you!
    K

  4. #4
    Super Member sewjoyce's Avatar
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    Sounds like he's trying to use you!!

    Send that text message and get him out of your hair! You deserve much, much better than what he's trying to give you!!

    When I started dating again after my 1st husband died, this guy talked me into letting him move in with me. And he also talked me into buying a house I could NOT afford. He was supposed to contribute so much money a month -- yeah, right! I listened to him for a while because no one had paid me much attention since my husband died and I was just starved for affection -- and I had never lived alone! Well, he stole from me (right out of my purse) -- he had a very bad gambling problem -- and when I insisted he get his butt out of MY house, he demanded money because he had "given up" so much for me. Then, when I was sticking to my guns and threatened to have him thrown out of my house, he started insisting that we get married! He left when I started laughing -- I think he finally understood! Please don't let your situation go this far!! I finally had to let the bank repossess the house which hasn't done much for my self esteem or my credit rating... :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:


  5. #5
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    don't text back anything rude - you work with this person and will still be working together after the breakup.


    just call him or meet and person and just explain that your feelings have changed and your hearts just not in it any longer.

    try to be kind - just because he's a jerk doesn't mean you have to be one too.

    be graceful and sympathetic but very clear that the relationship is over.

  6. #6
    Senior Member genghis khan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kluedesigns
    don't text back anything rude - you work with this person and will still be working together after the breakup.


    just call him or meet and person and just explain that your feelings have changed and your hearts just not in it any longer.

    try to be kind - just because he's a jerk doesn't mean you have to be one too.

    be graceful and sympathetic but very clear that the relationship is over.
    good advice since your working together, a guy i worked with was fired for something exactly like this. their issues spilled into the workplace and it became a real mess when they could have conducted themselves better.

  7. #7
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    He's the first guy I've dated in about 11 years, after 14 years of a cheating husband.

    I can't be mean because I'm too nice. Not in a doormat way (anymore) but in a Planet Happiness way. I hear it all the time and don't like it too much.

    First seemingly nice guy to pay attention to me, dote on me, want to be with me, but he's too inconsistent and changes his mind to what I say, so, I feel I can't trust him. He's a nice guy, fun to be around and smart, but just not the guy I want to relationship-commit to, because of his inconsistencies.

    I don't want to do things for the wrong reasons anymore and don't want to hurt people, but sometimes I wonder what the heck is wrong with me.

  8. #8
    Super Member beachlady's Avatar
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    I was widowed 8 years before I decided to look for "love" again. I found two men and it was like a school girl crush with one of them and a comfortable old shoe with the other one. The 'crush' was a smoker and probably an alcoholic and had been married 3 times before, so I made the wise decision to go with the old shoe. We have been together almost 15 years and although we are still not married (my choice) we do live together. You obviously do not want to get married or live together, so why stay together? He does sound like he wants to use you and that is certainly not a good reason to stay with him. That is my two cents! Goodluck!

  9. #9
    Super Member Moonpi's Avatar
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    Believe me, when there is a romantic ending in the workplace, the woman is the one who loses her job. Keep ALL of it away from the job, and don't let it impact your professional life in any way!!!!

    You don't have to go 11 years with no dates - put yourself out there and do things that will put you in contact with prospects you will have common iinterests with. Just because you have dinner with a guy doesn't mean you have to live together or marry. All it means is a meal! Get your priorities clear about what you do and don't want, instead of just waiting to see what sort of driftwood comes downstream. I was a huge "whacko magnet" for years because I fell for bad boys, before I realized what I really needed was someone who had been there, done that, and outgrown the experience. BTW, we met online.


  10. #10
    Power Poster amma's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Butterfli19
    He's the first guy I've dated in about 11 years, after 14 years of a cheating husband.

    I can't be mean because I'm too nice. Not in a doormat way (anymore) but in a Planet Happiness way. I hear it all the time and don't like it too much.

    First seemingly nice guy to pay attention to me, dote on me, want to be with me, but he's too inconsistent and changes his mind to what I say, so, I feel I can't trust him. He's a nice guy, fun to be around and smart, but just not the guy I want to relationship-commit to, because of his inconsistencies.

    I don't want to do things for the wrong reasons anymore and don't want to hurt people, but sometimes I wonder what the heck is wrong with me.
    Isn't dating for getting to know someone and seeing if you are compatible? You can date once, for years, but the bottom line is if it comes time to say this isn't working, you should be able to say this without feeling guilty. It is compassionate to not want to hurt someone's feelings, and caring/kind to let them know in a gentle manner.
    I do not think there is something wrong with you, he just is not the right man... the right one will come along....
    Just my opinion....

  11. #11
    Super Member butterflywing's Avatar
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  12. #12
    Super Member quiltwoman's Avatar
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    I don't want to sound harsh but.....RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!

    You are back on the dating scene and if someone truly cares about you, I honestly believe you will feel the same way. :wink:

  13. #13
    JJs
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    do you ever watch "cops"? yes, this is a relevant question....
    when two people live together they establish a HOME, an address, a residence... if you've ever watched cops then you'll know what I'm getting at - even if YOU pay the rent or YOU own the home, if the other person has established RESIDENCE in YOUR home, you can have a heck of a time getting them OUT of your home...

    so be very careful about setting up housekeeping with somebody else

    same goes for renting property to somebody or even giving them permission to stay at your property for any length of time

  14. #14
    Super Member butterflywing's Avatar
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    don't be unkind at the workplace, but run him, don't walk him, to the nearest exit! If your office has a no-dating rule, be careful. if not, don't hesitate to report harassment to your office manager. at all times, CYA.


    you are a wonderful, warm and loving woman with a lot to give. don't waste it.

  15. #15
    Super Member Shemjo's Avatar
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    Live your life for YOU, not for someone else. If this guy changes to fit your wants, he is not HIM either. You deserve a WHOLE person, not just parts! Do not be unkind because you work with him, but go no further with this relationship. Love yourself enough to BE yourself. Sounds like everyone is giving yu the same advice, which is wheat you felt when you wrote this post! :lol:

  16. #16
    community benefactor Knot Sew's Avatar
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    Tell him you don't want to make a mistake and would like to date other people to...if he wants to pay for a dinner or semething go...you said you liked him for a friend so keep it at that....be busy a lot...he will get it and you won't have to bash him...he will think everything is his idea :roll: :roll: :roll:

  17. #17
    Power Poster MadQuilter's Avatar
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    Nancy, It sounds like you are "convenient." You have your act together and he may well expect you to pull him along. How old is this guy??? This type of behavior is very unattractive for any man over the age of 22 (in the world according to Martina anyway).

    Ii wouldn't answer at all - and I wouldn't worry what he thinks. As long as there is no issue at work, just enjoy your private time. He will eventually realize that he is not part of it.

  18. #18
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    I haven't read everything posted yet but wanted to update you all.

    We talked and I told him it really wasn't going anywhere because we don't want the same things, don't have the same future plan, and really don't have too much of the same interests, and I feel it would be better to be friends rather than a couple.

    He proceeded to tell me how he felt and what I said and what we decided and that he didn't understand. (He does understand it just isn't what he wants to hear so he keeps saying that to keep the conversation going.)

    I asked why is it always about him, he said it isn't, I said -he said- I said- he said...Fine, whatever you want, fine, he says. I then asked 'you will not let me go, will you?' 'Not as a friend', he says. I didn't like that too much. I say I have to hang up. Fine. He sends me a text - You made me very upset. Sorry our dating didn't work for you, I'll try to be a better friend. I will always love you.

    This is (usually) my cue to call him and say, no, it isn't that, it's just...

    But instead, I went and dug in the dirt for 3 hours then took my son out to an early dinner.

    Much nicer.

    Now I'll go read what you all posted. Thanks, by the way. It really helps to know I can come here and talk to you all, that we all can.


  19. #19
    Power Poster Ninnie's Avatar
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    Good for You!!! :thumbup: :thumbup:



    Ninnie

  20. #20
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    You done good dude. ((hugs))

    What you really need to do is go back and read YOUR messages, not ours. The answer was in your tone, and words, plain as day.

    I agree with Kluedesigns, no need to be rude about it, it's just not working. Fullstop. No need for long drawn out post mortems (which it seems is what he's now trying to do). He's trying mind games now, using your niceness against you. Be strong, you know what you want and he is simply not it. Doesn't make him a bad person, just not right for you.

    You go girl, be strong! :-)

  21. #21
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    good for you, you did the right thing

  22. #22
    Moderator littlehud's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JJs
    do you ever watch "cops"? yes, this is a relevant question....
    when two people live together they establish a HOME, an address, a residence... if you've ever watched cops then you'll know what I'm getting at - even if YOU pay the rent or YOU own the home, if the other person has established RESIDENCE in YOUR home, you can have a heck of a time getting them OUT of your home...

    so be very careful about setting up housekeeping with somebody else

    same goes for renting property to somebody or even giving them permission to stay at your property for any length of time
    This is so true. Don't be pushed into anything you don't want.

  23. #23
    Moderator sharon b's Avatar
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    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
    You just have to be stronger than he is stubborn... its hard, but lean on your friends here and at home ! I have been there done that and it is no fun, especially if you try not hurting their feelings, but they don't seem to care about our. Its never easy , someone always gets hurt, no matter what
    Sharon

  24. #24
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    Your a very sweet, warm, kind gal kiddo and don't let him or anyone use you. If your not happy about this guy, then he's not the one for you. I'd break it off then ignore all calls, texts etc. from him. He'll get the idea. Not sure on the text, but can you put him on ignore?

  25. #25
    Power Poster Mousie's Avatar
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    whoa! he sure cooled his heels, when you said no.
    He actually put it out there, when he said, "HE" couldn't live alone on s.s. in future!
    I don't blame you for how you feel.
    I'd just let the whole thing drift right on down stream. I would't settle, for somebody wanting to scarf up my retirement either.
    My mom has had these kinds of boyfriends, and they develop health problems, and then their kids are no where around, but they get the inheritance, if there is one.
    Nope, sounds like a sponge-job, to me...that's sponge0bob, when he gets older, lol! :wink:
    tain't funny though. These types, can really soak up, your hard earned dollars, and be a burden. You were smart not to marry. He may have even been hoping, you'd kick the bucket first.

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