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Thread: I lied to my husband

  1. #26
    Super Member burchquilts's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pam S View Post
    Oh, I agree with you. i don't lie but sometimes I don't volunteer either.
    That's my policy, too... info on a strictly need-to-know basis. I'd tell him, let him flip out, remind him it was my money & then go sew... IMHO.
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  2. #27
    Super Member Neesie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ghostrider View Post
    Since you asked...
    Lying about it was bad enough, but deciding not to come clean quickly just makes it worse. Your only concern seems to be about easing your own conscience, not about undermining your husband's trust in you and the damage that can do to a relationship. Perhaps it's time to examine your priorities.
    That's pretty harsh! Seems to me, her priorities are right where they should be - maintaining a good relationship, with her dh, and preserving his trust in her. She made a mistake and feels badly about it . . . but sometimes it's better to bear one's own guilt, than to come clean and inflict pain upon another. She's the only one who knows how confessing would affect her dh's feelings.

  3. #28
    Power Poster Jingle's Avatar
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    My Husband never asks what I pay for anything, so I don't say. Some men think God put them on earth to run a woman's life. I have bought dogs my Husband didn't want me to buy, but he ends up in a short time to be crazy about them. Money isn't the issue, just thinks it is his place to give his permission, which he hasn't. I am an adult and I insist on living my life and making my decisions, after all I work also and I am the care givers for the pets.
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  4. #29
    Super Member sahm4605's Avatar
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    I am sorry to bring this bug into the room but you said that its your money and he thinks that it is both of yours. Maybe its time to set up one bank account. I have found that having two accounts can damage a relationship. I and the rest of us don't know the home or financial situation, but maybe its time for the two of you to sit down and have a very frank and loving discussion about your marriage and about the finances and bank accounts. When my hubby and I married our concealer said that no matter who makes the money it is always best to talk about how it is going to be spent and have only one account to keep both parties from feeling like the other has more power or more control in the relationship. and if you think about it when you get married two become one and everything is shared. money, chores, love, work. if you have a "safety net" as one lady in a good relationship but ready to bolt at a moments notice said that she needed to have her safety net to help her if her relationship failed. I told her that unless it was an abusive relationship where he verbably or physically hurt her then maybe she was hoping that it would fail. anyhoo I digress. I say talk to your hubby, not specifically about the purchase but about the separation of the money. and why you feel that it is just your money and not his too. hope this helps.
    when life gets you down go and talk with a little kid. They will help you work out even the worst problems with their simple logic.

  5. #30
    Super Member Crqltr's Avatar
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    I would also tell him the truth..but in doing so I would also point out why you fibbed..I have told my husband if he talks down to me when explaining something to him I will no longer tell him anything .. It made him more understanding and I tell him more because he won't be yelling about it.

  6. #31
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    Good luck - whatever you decide to do.

  7. #32
    Super Member QuiltNama's Avatar
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    I have my own account and we also have a household account, so if I would like to purchase something there is no reason for permission to be granted, I just go get it. My husband has the same option. If the money is needed for household expenses it would be used for that first. Does he tell you what he spends every dollar on? Is this a control issue for him or are you just worried about rocking the boat? Is this money you could not afford to spend? Either way, you have to figure out if $29.00 is worth a big fight or if you can live with the decision you made to purchase the Quiltcut and not have to answer to anyone for spending your money.

  8. #33
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    I wouldn't have out and out lied, but I sure wouldn't have volunteered any info, either...especially if I knew this was how he'd react. This is a good argument for separate checking accounts...then you don't HAVE to explain yourself!
    Good luck!
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  9. #34
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    So what else is going on in your life?

    For those that really jumped on her - have you ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS told the truth, the complete truth, and nothing but the truth?

    There are times when saying nothing is the best way to go. Especially when telling the truth would do more harm than good.

  10. #35
    Super Member Chasing Hawk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SUZAG View Post
    Does he have any hobbies and/or tools that he buys? Do you question the price? Does he always ask you before he buys?
    Doesn't this seem a little petty as well as ridiculous?
    This argument is a lot like casting the blame on him for her spending money out of her own account.
    Is this how your house is? I know mine isn't, my husband has his "tools" and I have mine. We discuss what we need then save for it. It's always been this way. No asking if I can have something. Or you got this and I now want something of equal value. LOL

    I find it amusing how some of you are acting like you condone such behavior.
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  11. #36
    Super Member Stitchnripper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sahm4605 View Post
    I am sorry to bring this bug into the room but you said that its your money and he thinks that it is both of yours. Maybe its time to set up one bank account. I have found that having two accounts can damage a relationship. I and the rest of us don't know the home or financial situation, but maybe its time for the two of you to sit down and have a very frank and loving discussion about your marriage and about the finances and bank accounts. When my hubby and I married our concealer said that no matter who makes the money it is always best to talk about how it is going to be spent and have only one account to keep both parties from feeling like the other has more power or more control in the relationship. and if you think about it when you get married two become one and everything is shared. money, chores, love, work. if you have a "safety net" as one lady in a good relationship but ready to bolt at a moments notice said that she needed to have her safety net to help her if her relationship failed. I told her that unless it was an abusive relationship where he verbably or physically hurt her then maybe she was hoping that it would fail. anyhoo I digress. I say talk to your hubby, not specifically about the purchase but about the separation of the money. and why you feel that it is just your money and not his too. hope this helps.
    May I respectfully disagree with your opinion? We are married almost 30 years and have never merged bank accounts and we never have money issues over what we spend. Of course we are both reasonable people and know what our financial limits are. It has always been "easy peasy" to divide household expenses - in the beginning of our marriage I was working and had a house. Later, his salary outranked mine and we bought a house together. Now he pays most of the expenses. It has never been a problem either way. And if he forgets to write something in his checkbook I am not annoyed!! I guess everyone has to figure out what works best for them. The other thing I want to add is I hope none of us is ever "afraid" to tell our spouses anything because of their reaction. If you get my drift.

  12. #37
    Super Member Pat625's Avatar
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    Call me a bitter divorcee, but my attitude is that if I spent MY money it is none of his business...NOONE tells me what I can or cannot do, even when I was married. He never cleared it with me when he spent money..He might not have spent such a large amount, but he spenmt enough smaller ones tp add up to more than I spent

  13. #38
    Super Member karenpatrick's Avatar
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    Confess. It's good for the soul.

  14. #39
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    I can relate - sometimes one is disappointed in oneself for not doing/being as good as one knows one should be.

    I still feel bad about an incident where I allowed myself to be talked into doing something that I 'knew' wasn't quite right - and the $ amount was about $2.00. And this happened about 40 years ago!!

    I made restitution, apologized, etc. I also learned to NOT trust a couple of people that I thought I could.
    Last edited by bearisgray; 05-09-2012 at 04:14 PM.

  15. #40
    Super Member Weezy Rider's Avatar
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    I worked, have my own accounts and spent what I earned on what I wanted. He finally realized that I was the one responsible for all the technology, computers, cameras, etc. in the house - not to mention my telescopes and eyepieces that he enjoys as much as I do. He also realized that I don't buy fancy household stuff, designer sweatshirts, etc. I MAKE them.

    Neither one of us cares about style - if the ARC has what we want - we'll buy it there. I like my truck. I don't want a new truck. We'd rather save and spend on a nice trip to Red Rock country for scenery and stargazing. I've played with some of the things mentioned here and don't care for the articles for me.

    He leaves my sewing stuff alone but he thinks I can fix anything. I worked for my sewing machines and sergers.

  16. #41
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    Jeanne, I sympathize with you, but I never lie to my DH about anything. There are times when he doesn't get information, but that is mostly because a) he doesn't REALLY want to know or b) knowing something would upset him and there is usually nothing he can do about whatever it is anyway. He understands that and trusts my judgement.

    My guess is he would have been upset at any price you mentioned. But if this will show up on a credit card statement or a bank account, then you have no choice but to tell him. If it were me, I'd also tell him that I have worked hard for this money (leave out the 'my' word) and see no problem with spending up to $X - fill in the "X" with a number - occasionally.

    If you're really hard up for money, that changes the discussion entirely. Then you have to agree on saving small amounts each week or month to pay for 'special' stuff, and each have your own little 'petty cash' stash to use.
    I toss my change into a bank when I come home from shopping; it adds up quickly, and is used for when my grandkids visit. Over the course of a year I usually save from $125 to $150 for them to use while visiting.

    Good luck with this dilemma.

  17. #42
    Member kpross's Avatar
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    Confessing will only make it worse. I never understand the emphasis on confession when it hurts the innocent party. None of us is in a position to judge your actions since we don't know the situation. So my advixe is this: Learn from this. Try not to lie next time. And most of all try to reach an agreement with your husband about what is your money to spend on your hobby and what is joint money that should be discussed before being spent. If you can do these things, move on ... The guilt isn't doing anyone any good.

  18. #43
    Senior Member hensandhollyhocks's Avatar
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    If you have already told him a price, you should fess up and tell the truth. Next time, just don't mention it.

  19. #44
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    It's not to justify the lie, it's to justify the purchase. Agree that a lie to a spouse is never a good idea.

  20. #45
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    Couldn't edit previous post, but wanted to add:

    I also learned to NOT listen other people, when I know what 'they' are suggesting is 'not quite right'

  21. #46
    Super Member Neesie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bearisgray View Post
    Couldn't edit previous post, but wanted to add:

    I also learned to NOT listen other people, when I know what 'they' are suggesting is 'not quite right'
    Amen, to that!

  22. #47
    Super Member Mitch's mom's Avatar
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    Don't bring it up to him again. When it arrives, don't show it to him, take it to your sewing area and enjoy it. He has already moved on to something else. You should too.

  23. #48
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    It's a shame you're in a tizzy over $29.

    Many have said that only you know what/how your husband will feel if you tell him about your lie and that is true. We don't know what else is happening in your life that $29 can make you worried about his reaction.

    You can say you made a mistake or mis-spoke and that the actual cost was $XXX and just wanted to clarify the amount so he won't be surprised when he sees the receipt or bill on it ( because it was a mistake to lie (IMHO) ). If he is going to have a fit over $29 and make your life miserable for several days, you KNEW this when you lied and also knew you were taking that chance.

    Oh well, nothing we say or suggest can sway your decision. Read your tag line in your signature and go from there... good luck and best wishes.
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  24. #49
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    Oh dear, I can't offer advice because I don't know your situation but I can offer my sympathy.

  25. #50
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    Sahm, as a woman who was in a 'good' marriage (or so I thought) and had no savings of my own when the marriage fell apart, I disagree. Every woman needs to be able to 'fend for herself' if the need arises. Saving money for one self is critical.

    I've been married to a wonderful, loving man now for 30 years. We do happen to have a joint checking account. But it was a HUGE act of trust on my part to do that. But we both decided when we married that, no matter how bad it got, we were not divorcing. And we both made sure it never got bad. I also went back to college and got a bachelors and masters degree in Computer Science so that I could support myself and my kids by myself, if the need arose. That was/is my 'insurance policy' against bad stuff happening.

    My husband fusses about money now and then; I never do. We have enough for our needs, plus most of our wants. In any event, long ago I 'assigned' him the job of worrying over stuff. No need for both of us to worry for nothing.

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