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Thread: I lied to my husband

  1. #51
    Senior Member Rubesgirl's Avatar
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    I would not have lied. It will hurt you more in the long run than an irate moment or two at the outset. Now you not only have to shoulder the cost of the equipment but you have to either confess and deal with it or bear your guilt silently, knowing that you'll remember the lie every time you use it. There's also the possibility that he will find out anyway. I don't always volunteer info, but I will tell if asked. I believe that lying breaks trust and without trust, life can be a living he--.
    Wendy in FL

    If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted I wish I had some ice cream.

  2. #52
    Super Member sahm4605's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cathyvv View Post
    Sahm, as a woman who was in a 'good' marriage (or so I thought) and had no savings of my own when the marriage fell apart, I disagree. Every woman needs to be able to 'fend for herself' if the need arises. Saving money for one self is critical.

    I've been married to a wonderful, loving man now for 30 years. We do happen to have a joint checking account. But it was a HUGE act of trust on my part to do that. But we both decided when we married that, no matter how bad it got, we were not divorcing. And we both made sure it never got bad. I also went back to college and got a bachelors and masters degree in Computer Science so that I could support myself and my kids by myself, if the need arose. That was/is my 'insurance policy' against bad stuff happening.

    My husband fusses about money now and then; I never do. We have enough for our needs, plus most of our wants. In any event, long ago I 'assigned' him the job of worrying over stuff. No need for both of us to worry for nothing.
    I think that you having a degree and a way to provide for children in case of a spouse not being there is the way we as women should go. Not having a seperate account. I just wanted to point out that it just seems to be trust issues there already and things that need to be discussed. I have a degree and a way to provide for my children should in the event of my hubby passing away or him forcing a divorce. There is a running joke around my family that we don't believe in divorce but spouse-icide. Having separate accounts and dividing up who buys/gets what just seems to me to place a wedge in a marriage. It seems to end up being more of a roomy situation than a marriage which then seems to open a door to splitting up. I am not saying that this is the case for everyone and anyone who does this, it is just my experience and view. I don't want to offend anyone with this, only just wanted to help get jcrow thinking about sitting down and having an honest and frank conversation with her hubby about money and the accounts. maybe not confessing about the lie but talking about what seems to be underlying issues that could be between them.
    when life gets you down go and talk with a little kid. They will help you work out even the worst problems with their simple logic.

  3. #53
    Super Member LivelyLady's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by QuiltNama View Post
    I have my own account and we also have a household account, so if I would like to purchase something there is no reason for permission to be granted, I just go get it. My husband has the same option. If the money is needed for household expenses it would be used for that first. Does he tell you what he spends every dollar on? Is this a control issue for him or are you just worried about rocking the boat? Is this money you could not afford to spend? Either way, you have to figure out if $29.00 is worth a big fight or if you can live with the decision you made to purchase the Quiltcut and not have to answer to anyone for spending your money.
    We, too, have a joint household account and our own accounts. I'm trying to convince a good friend of mine to do the same. If we go shopping, she leaves her purchases either in my car or hers until she can sneak them into her house. She just tells me, "It's easier to ask forgiveness, than ask permission". LOL!
    When you sleep under a quilt, you sleep under a blanket of love.

  4. #54
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    JCrow, in your first post you said that your husband already thinks you spend too much on quilting. Maybe its a good time to sit down together and establish an annual budget for each of you to spend on hobbies. Then trust one another to stay within the budget.

    I've been in the situation where DH spent many, many times more than $29 on his hobby when we couldn't afford it. Because he is self-employed and was making good money before the economy went south, I didn't question how much he was spending. We never had the discussion about how much we should set aside for hobbies and sports. Because of the tough business climate, we'll both be doing without fun things for a long time to pay off these debts.
    Elizabeth

  5. #55
    Super Member Dolphyngyrl's Avatar
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    Your money, why should you have to explain how you use it. Enjoy, I'm sure he has a hobby that takes his money and time , does he give you all his receipts for his purchases.

  6. #56
    Super Member RkayD's Avatar
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    make him your first masterpiece just for him..then tell him. =)
    A bed without a Quilt is like a Sky without Stars..Sew On!

  7. #57
    Super Member auntpiggylpn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DogHouseMom View Post
    I don't and can't lie about things like this ... not just because of the ethics of it, but hubby and I share the same pay-pay account

    In fact, yesterday he said to me "I can't believe you spent $99.00 on fabric this weekend" (an online purchase). I argued with him VEHEMENTLY that I most assuredly did NOT spend $99.00 on fabric.

    I spent it on thread

    It was a really good sale!!
    Hahahahahaha!!!
    No one has ever become poor by giving. - Anne Frank
    Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

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  8. #58
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    I think it would make you feel better to fess up... and maybe that could open a discussion with your husband about spending money. Does he have any hobbies that cost money? My husband and I each have our own hobbies, and we long ago agreed not to get into arguments about what each of us spends. If the cost is over an amount we have agreed on, then we discuss it. I think it's important to respect each other's wishes about finances, but not to put constraints on the other or make them feel guilty about spending - unless of course it's something you can't afford, then that's another story.

    That said, my husband's hobbies (golf, restoring old cars, hunting) are so much more expensive than my quilting that he better not ever complain when I come in the door with a bag from the quilt shop!!
    Last edited by spokanequilter; 05-09-2012 at 07:28 PM.
    -Chris-
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    It does not do well, Harry, to dwell on the dreams....and forget to live. - Albus Dumbledore

  9. #59
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    Fess up. If it comes to light later he will be even more antagonistic toward your hobby. We have alreadybwornout one cutting mat on our Altos. When we got it I asked DH to help me cut strips and now we almost always cut everything out together. You might explain the angle feature might eliminate the need for purchase of specialty angle rulers.
    Cheryl Robinson
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  10. #60
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    If it is YOUR money, it is YOUR money and you decide what to do with it. If it is disposable income, not needed for anything else, you can allow yourself to spend it on items of your choosing, or put it in the bank for something else or gift it or whatever. Noone else can tell you what to do with your own disposable income. If it were jointly-held money, then this is a different story altogether...

    If you feel badly about the price you paid, don't divulge it to anyone else. It really isn't anyone else's business, when we come down to it. if you want/need it for your hobby, you bought it. Use it with pleasure!
    Maggie in Jerusalem
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  11. #61
    Super Member maine ladybug's Avatar
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    It sounds to me like it's already eating at you, so how are going to feel when it gets to you? If you were a person who lies it wouldn't be bothering you. Since it is, you know what you need to do.
    LADYBUG

  12. #62
    Power Poster Sadiemae's Avatar
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    Do whatever is best for you and your DH, ONLY YOU can decide what that is.
    Sadiemae

  13. #63
    Super Member kathdavis's Avatar
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    I refuse to lie, but sometimes they just can't handle the truth, so I don't say anything. If he ask, I tell my husband that I am just protecting him, since he has a hard time dealing with it. Same use to go with the Discover bill, until he took over paying bills a few years back and then he was shocked. Still recovering! LOL
    Kathleen

    Remember, people will see your quilts long after you are gone....NOT your housework!

  14. #64
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    For us, separate checkbooks has worked out well. Actually, both of us can write checks out of any of them - but I still think of 'our' money as 'his/household' money and 'my' money.

    We've been married for 52 years. Most of the time this works for us.

  15. #65
    Senior Member kapatt's Avatar
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    My husband and I use to argue about money. We have finally found a system that works for us. His retirement is put into one pot each payday where all of the bills are paid and where we buy our food. We put our gas money in a separate account. We also pay ourselves. Both of us get the same amount of money for spending. The rules are that neither of us has to account to the other one for how we spend our money. If I want to go out and burn the money in the front yard, he doesn't say anything. (Neither one of us have problems with hurtful things like gambling, alcoholism, or drugs so we don't worry about how the other one is spending his/her spending money).
    My spending money is what I use for my quilting (and for going out to lunch with friends). He never makes comments about how much money I spend on quilting. I don't make comments on how he spends his money. We don't always get a lot of money for spending, but we try to make sure that we get some money.
    I would hate to lie to my husband and I would hate for him to lie to me. It is a trust issue for us.

    Edited to add...I agree with the poster who said that only you can decide what is the best thing to do. You are the one who will have to live with the consequences of what you do or don't do.
    Last edited by kapatt; 05-09-2012 at 09:34 PM.
    Kathyj


  16. #66
    Super Member Sandygirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nhweaver View Post
    It is hard not to stretch the truth, and what is done is done. My suggestion is not to dwell on the issue, and own up to telling the truth. Let him know that using the quilt cut 2 will prevent the rotor cuff damage that happens with regular cutting.
    I agree. Since she feels guilty for lying, take care of that by just coming clean and apologize to him. While I agree. About the expense of hobbies, his and hers, she will feel better getting it off of her chest . Sounds like the issue is that she may not feel comfortable making buying decisions without his "blessing". We don't know.

    Hopefully he is gracious about it and wishes her hours of fun!
    Sandy
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  17. #67
    Super Member grann of 6's Avatar
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    Remember when you were little and your mother said to you "Let your conscience be your guide." ? Won't say any more about it.

  18. #68
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    Just read your signature and I think you will know what to do. Lying never is a good thing and when it does come out the distrust will be an awful thing to deal with.
    A friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway.

  19. #69
    Super Member QuilterMomma's Avatar
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    The additional cost of the difference was the shipping right? Get right with God on this one and then let Him tell you what to do. That is my answer. I find myself sometimes in the same situation and have resolved that I want to enjoy myself in my quilting and if I am right with God about my purchase first then the husband will fall into place. My husband smokes so he does not have much room to say on spending on quilting. THis is a moral issue to me rather than a spending issue. If you could afford it by adjusting the budget then there is no issue there. You just did nto realize the postage was more than you thought and that will apease the difference in price and no more going this direction and all is good. Check with the Lord.
    Life is short, live it while you still can. QuilterMomma

  20. #70
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    I agree with neesie....it is over, forget it...this is not medieval times....it is something you wanted, found a good price, did not take food out of your children's mouths.....all that stuff.....be an independent woman!!!!!! I have done that all my married life.......a long one......always knocked off a few bucks if asked........or did not tell at all, when noticed..."oh, I've had that a long time." No trouble.....our theory about buying stuff is if it is not taking money that is "needed" for other things...go fo it.....Of course, large items were discussed and agreed upon - either yeah or nay, but everyday purchased are left to individual judgment.

  21. #71
    Senior Member pinkberrykay's Avatar
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    I always tell DH how much I SAVED him, not how much it cost him. I don't work outside the home and as a SAHM certainly dont bring in a paycheck that you can see in our bank account. DH has always been supportive of al my hobbies and encourages me to purchase what I need when I need it. It breaks my heart to hear stories of those women who much "ask for permission" to spend money they have learned.

    You need to do what is best for you and your financial situation~who are we to judge?

  22. #72
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    In my situation I am the bread winner in our family. I buy what I want, and tell him nothing. If he needs parts for his truck or tractor he knows to go get them. We very seldom discuss how much we spend on things. He also has no clue what is in the bank or what the bills run. That makes it easier to ''treat'' myself here and there.

  23. #73
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    It sounds like you got a deal, I paid $209.95 for mine in Jan . an still havent used it. joyce j

  24. #74
    Super Member coopah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neesie View Post
    I wouldn't have lied, in the first place, since I don't believe in spousal allowances. If I want to buy something, I have the sense to know whether or not we can afford it; my dh feels the same way. However, since you did lie about it, I'd weigh my options very carefully. How much harm will it do now, to tell him you lied? Forget about "clearing your conscience" and think how it will affect his feelings and your relationship. Will he forgive and forget . . . or will it cause him to have trouble trusting you, in the future?

    Another question - Is there a way he'll find out about your lie, if you don't confess? If he's going to find out, it's better coming from you. If not, I'd keep quiet and try to forgive myself for fibbing.
    I agree with Neesie, although lying never works. Now you feel guilty and won't enjoy it as much as you would have if you'd discussed a way to save up for it. Be honest. It's better. Would you want him treating you this way?

  25. #75
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    Buy wise and buy once. I guess many of us are in the same boat when it comes to the cost of our addiction--in this case fabric, and tools needed to feed our quilting fever. I don't believe in telling lies either but agree that unless asked I don't give details. If this is something you really wanted and will be using regularly than guilt is not an issue. I will forgo other pleasures until I feel I have paid for my treasure. That may mean less trips to nail salon, movies, eating lunch out, etc. for a while, but will be worth the trouble if your conscience is clear. Tell hubby what you are willing to do to pay for this and get it out of your mind so you can enjoy your find.

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