The Creative Seamstress

I've got to be honest with you here and say that I can understand both sides of the picture here.

However, I feel there is a bigger issue that shouldn't be overlooked, which is what this issue should really be about to begin with (on both your sides).

I think the most important thing here is that you both remember how crucial and critical communication is - not only in general but particularly in marriage. Also - that it is a two way street and that both sides have to give to get it in return.

Regardless of why he kept it from you and why you know you'll get over it (without saying anything) - bottomline is that regardless of your workplace situation, he should have told you. Notwithstanding that fact, you also should also have no qualms and feel completely comfortable with asking him directly (a more than reasonable question) as to why he didn't tell you and why someone else's Wife made his contribution. (On a side note, I personally don't find that to be acceptable for the record). However, if you withhold how you feel and your thoughts on it from him, and furthermore don't get an answer as to why directly from him... than it does make you just as culpable for perpetuating the lack of communication between the both of you just as much as he is actively doing to you himself right now by not willingly addressing it.

Two individuals who are partners should be able to tell each other the good and the bad (essentially everything) no matter what. I know and realize that it's not always easy or that clear cut in many relationships, but if there's anyone on this entire Earth that two individuals should not only trust but confide in - it is their spouse (with each other).

So long as you stay silent, and suffer over it quietly, you are being both unfair to yourself and unfair to him. If he somehow has forgotten what both communication and honesty is between the two of you, than before being legitimately mad at him, you need to remind him what that is and how it feels (i.e. by calmly sitting him down and asking him why he did what he did and also telling him how it made you feel). But, we must remember to be calm and unabrasive when we do it, otherwise inevitably he will feel you are searching for a fight. It may be hard to believe, but men can be reasonable and since they are "fixers" by nature... if you tell him there's a problem, he will usually be willing to "fix" it, but by themselves they will never be cognizant of it - it has to be brought to their attention. If you really love someone, you don't want to hurt them, and in the particular case of men, they often lack the foresight and ability to analyze the big picture as to exactly how their action (or inaction) will affect their partner. However, most reasonable men (if the issue is addressed and brought to their attention) will do their best to resolve it and/or learn from the experience to never repeat that same mistake. In the end, in doing this - not only will you get the "why" of his actions, but your actions also (if done correctly) can bring you both closer together. You also will be able to unburden yourself. Regardless of what he may tell you, the real truth is better than whatever could be going through your mind right now, and closure is required so it won't fester. Most importantly, it should help avoid it from ever happening again between you in the future. If two spouses don't have honesty, communication and friendship as a foundation - than really what exactly comprises the fibers of the fabric that weaves the time spent together "till death do us part"?

And as a side comment so as to satisfy our gremlin moments as women when our man really ticks us off... just because I like to be funny (although this is more sarcastic)... you could always cook something really good to send over to that friend's Wife as a "thank you" for doing you a favor, since you were too busy to do it yourself... ;) LOL.

Oh please, please do cheer up! I'm sending you hugs and well wishes for the holidays!

Maride

Your husband is in a very difficult situation. I can tell you, because I was in his shoes. Exact same situation. Jorge was laid off after 8 years working for a company. They relocated us, found us a house, gave us a mortgage, even sent movers. we didn't have to touch a thing. His job came with a job for me too. That is how much they wanted him. Eight years later he was gone and I got to keep my job. I stopped attending company functions because I could not ask him to come with me and face the very same people that laid him off, and I could not go by myself and leave him home when a few years back he was an active participant. I suggest that if it bothers you so much, talk to him. He probably didn't want to make you feel bad. Is very important that you two discuss how this kind of situations will be approached to prevent misunderstandings and heart feelings.

Our situation went on to get worse when the company was sold and I ended up loosing my job too. He still felt rejected, because everyone else was laid off after the closing announcement but he was gone before.

Please talk to your husband and be on the same boat. Even if you find another job your feelings about this place may not change. even if the decision was not personal but business, is hard to see it that way when you don't have a job. I hope things go on better for the both of you.

Maria

trisha

I totally agree with the last two relplies!!! Don't "suffer in silence"...won't do either of you any good,,,especially this close to Christmas. You say it doesn't matter and you will get over it, but obviously it does bother you, because your anger is coming out in your posts. You need to clear the air dear, or your resentment is just going to get bigger and bigger. You need to find out what his reasoning was on this and the answer may be a very simple one. Good luck, hope you work it out, and if you really feel the need to punch something, punch a big bag of batting so you don't hurt your quilting hand!! LOL

Born2Sew

I feel bad for both of you. I'm sure he hated to ask you to prepare something for him to take, knowing you wouldn't be present. At the same time, he shouldn't have asked another person to make something for him either. Now that would send me over the moon. It's a bad situation for both of you. He needs to understand that he made it all worse for you, by his handling it the way he did. Unfortunately, I don't think this is a win win situation.

I'm sure he really had no intentions of hurting you although he did.

wanna be quilter

I am sorry you are hurt by your husbands actions, I think I would be mad too if my husband did this, he went behind your back and asked another woman to do what was your right to do, so I am not surprised you are very hurt, as husband and wife, and the deep love we have for one and other, we expect to be the first one to be told of anything the other is doing or involved in.
If it were me I would get it of my chest by asking him why he asked his friends wife to do the dish. It may cause a row, but at least you will feel better when you have have an answer for his actions. Don't let this spoil you Christmas by letting it fester.
Forgivness is in all our hearts, you will feel much better when you get it sorted.

God Bless, Happy Christmas !!

leatheflea

Thanks you to all that listened to my whining. I slept on it and I feel much better. We didnt talk, I just let it go. Whatever his reasons doesnt matter whats done is done. It left me more time for sewing. She can wash his undies too if she likes! The more he asks others to do the less I have to do, I guess thats a blessing, leaves more play time for me!

leonajo

Ahh Lea, glad ur feeling better :) Just a thought, if u bake over the holidays? be sure and bake the things YOU like to eat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Merry Christmas Sweetie.

lvaughan

Just think of this coming from a guy, we know how important their jobs are to them, maybe he was thinking about this from his perspective if he had been the one laid off. I think he is trying to be sensitive to your feeling. Truthfully, the last thing I would want to do is cook for for this get together.

After reading your update after sleeping on it, I agree there are a lot of things we just have to let go. I've been married 32 years and have found as the years go by that I can get to that place of letting go quicker than in the past.

gypsyquilter

I'll take a different angle. He's a man, he probably forgot about the pitch in until the very last minute. then he confessed to his buddy he forgot and he buddy guilted him into bringing something, and the buddy said, hey, my wife made these really terrible cookies/pie/casserole and I can't stand even the smell of it in my house. So, the buddy says to your husband, come on pal, we'll being doing both of us a favor if you just agree to take this really horrible pie/cookies/casserole, my wife feels better because she things we like her cooking, your wife doesn't have to be bothered because you forgot about this until last minute and no one will ever know and we'll both he heros.

men! geez!!

dewie45

There is much in your situation that seems familiar. I think we have all experienced these kind of hurts now and then. I know I have felt hurt the most when someone tried to "save" me from the truth. It took a lot of years but I believe my own DH has finally gotten the idea, but I had to let him hear bout it or he would still be taking that approach. It absolutely hurts the most when someone else is told but you are not. Try to remember that his friend's wife probably did not enter this on her own. I wish you peace and love.