Gabrielle's Mimi

It sounds to me like there is something else really going on, like some underlying problem. You really don't need to waste time worrying about moving a glass from the table to the sink...use the time for something more productive. Move the glass or the trash and don't put emotional value on it. It's just a glass or a bag or whatever. How about trying this: with a sincere smile, just say, "here, let me get that for you." Treat her with kindness and don't look for slights where none may be intended. (If it were intended, you will disarm her with your kindness!)

Quilterfay

In my mind I'm questioning what your relationship is with your MIL? Is your relationship such that she doesn't feel comfortable opening your dishwasher? There are many things we don't know about the situation. But just be happy she comes to visit. Life has many other issues that more serious. Like someone said "don't sweat the small stuff"

mimom

my whole point was missed, I dont mind that much. I was just wondering if this was something that was proper to do back in the day. Like I said I would never think of leaving anything behind for someone else to clean up.

As far as any other underlying problems. My husband is an only child and MIL is divorced, very overweight and lazy. The only reason she comes over is to take one or both of my sons home with her so they can clean her house and pick her weeds. She is lonely, I understand but that is her own doing. She gets mad at people and punishes them by not talking to them, including us at times. My husband has been told several times by her that he HAS to come over and change a light bulb or plug in her microwave, etc... His fix for all that is to piss her off so she stops calling. lol I try to get along with her the best I can.

Again I was just wondering if this was a back in the day etiquette thing.

mythreesuns

I am the kind that NO ONE works in MY kitchen. I never let guests lift a finger. Even if they are overnighters. I will attend to their every need. Now it is a different story if we should be having a party for my MOM or MIL, then I expect help from our siblings. I will never forget the very first time I invited my in-laws to supper.. (they were both super fantastic cooks), I go so sick from fright, I couldn't cook the meal, my other guest had to... my lovely mother. lol Much has changed since, and it is funny, because she now claims I am the best cook in her entire family (16 kids). lol Enjoy life with your MIL and treat her like a queen...after all she did raise your husband to be the love of your life..

bearisgray

As far as 'etiquette/manners' go -

I think 'the nitty-gritty' things - such as how to hold one's fork, how to set a table, etc. - do have their place.

In my opinion - the circumstances surrounding an event do influence some of the nitty-gritty things (and some of those things - in my opinion - are as 'important' as a F**T in a tornado or hurricane)

W

bearisgray

(I was timed out on my edit of the above post)

I think most of the responders DID get what your question was -

As far as 'etiquette/manners' go -

I think 'the nitty-gritty' things - such as how to hold one's fork, how to set a table, etc. - do have their place.

In my opinion - the circumstances surrounding an event do influence some of the nitty-gritty things (and some of those things - in my opinion - are as 'important' as a F**T in a tornado or hurricane), But, as the saying goes, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do" It's useful to know some of those things so one doesn't look like an idiot or boob.


There may be a book/author that says something like:

MIL shall call before visiting DIL

When MIL visits:

DIL shall invite MIL in and offer her a seat
DIL shall offer MIL a beverage (You did say that she ASKS for a glass of water)
DIL shall bring MIL beverage to where MIL is seated (or maybe the book says: MIL shall bring own beverage from home or go to well and pump her own water?)
MIL graciously accepts beverage that DIL offered

While MIL is visiting:

Does DIL offer refills the beverage?
Does MIL need to ask for refills?
Should MIL expect/get nothing -(unless specifically invited for an event)?

Before MIL leaves:

MIL shall ask DIL: "Where shall I leave this glass? On the table? By the sink? In the dishwasher?"
MIL shall ask DIL: "I have this trash. What shall I do with it? May I leave it here for you to dispose of where you want? Please show me where you would like me to put this? Shall I take it home with me?

This could get really silly - but I could run this on for another page or two.


There are some people that act more at home in my kitchen than I do - there are some that don't touch anything. It depends on our relationships.

We have one friend, that when she was younger and able-bodied, acted like we were royalty - now that she has more physical problems, she accepts help. (Last time I loaded the dishwasher, her comment was "That's not how I would have loaded the dishwasher, but the dishes are clean." ) Circumstances have forced changes in how things are done.

Interpersonal relationships can be so 'interesting' !!!!

AlienQuilter

My family did not go to restaurants when we were kids. Both my parents were from large families. Our entertainment was eating at each others houses and since we were family - all the females cleaned up (I know - not fair!).

When DH and I were still newlyweds, we stayed a few days with a friend of his and his wife. After they left for work, I cleaned up and did a load of towels. I overheard his wife complain to him about me doing the dishes and towels, she could not understand why I had the gall to do that! When I was a teenager I was the favorite babysitter in the family because I would not only feed the kids, but I would make dessert and clean up the kitchen and do any laundry that needed doing. Plus I would spend the night so the parents could sleep in the morning.

I always take my dishes to the sink and in some cases put them in the dishwasher at my MIL's or SIL's houses and they do the same at mine. If at at some one elses house I ask where they want me to put the dishes. I will leave them alone if they tell me to.

I have never read a Miss Manners book - I just do what I feel is right.

On another subject about manners, DH and I always made the boys sit on the toilet and not treat it like a urinal. But I could always tell when someone else was in there because I would have to clean urine spray up - really hate that. I remember one boy who must have played fireman in the bathroom - he never got invited to spend the night again - took me an hour to disinfect that bathroom!

Wintersewer

ube....you are a SAINT 100 times over!!!!!! HOW did you stand her??????????????


QUOTE=ube quilting;6190817]I may be more old fashion than this modern world can handle. People in my house are guests. Unless they are here for a prolonged stay, They are treated as guests.

My DMIL, who lived with me for about thirty five years, always took your dishes before you were even finished eating and stacked everything froms a little thing. Just be happy she visits.
peace[/QUOTE]

BellaBoo

Dinner guests are not suppose to remove dishes from the table after a meal. I was taught to give the empty cup or glass to the host when visiting with a Thank You and compliment on the beverage. I don't expect family or close friends to use company manners though.

Wintersewer

That would make me mad. You are very easy going. I would change the locks on my house! I would NEVER go in someone's house and leave a mess.

. I hate when I go to work with a clean house and my kids come over while I'm at work with thier kids and I come home to a mess. Thats life and we can find lots of things to get upset about. It's hard to let go of the little stuff but its not worth the stress. I chose to count the blessings and try to ignore the things that upset me, I don't always succeed but I try.[/QUOTE]